This is a continuation of "How do I get through..." I posted last week. It's been 10 days- no OM. He stopped by one afternoon and I told him he had to leave. <P>Buffy, I replied to your insights on the other thread.<P>Clouds, 10 days and counting...I'm doing good. No regrets so far. I am trying to be patient.<P>H and I had a meeting this weekend. He said I'd be getting my divorce papers soon. But I get a hint he may be thinking about working with me . He came on MB and did some reading. We really have alot to loose by giving up. I hope he sees that and works with me on this.<BR>As for the divorce papers, I'll have to get an attorney and read them over and proceed for now.I didn't try to talk him out of it, didn't want to push too hard and meet resistance. I just apologized again and told him how I DO need help and it WOULD help me to get it. I'm not used to asking for help, this is all new to me.<BR>Thank you again for talking to me!

Bumping this up, looking for Faye/Buffy.<BR>BTW, We are moving back home with H. Everything looks great right now. Guess reading this helped H see that we have a good chance of getting past this.<BR>Thank you, everyone.

Hi 2fer:<P>Hon, after reading your reply to my last posting on your other thread I feel like I'm in over my head on this one so I'm going to start another thread and see if I can get some help for you.<P>Faye

2fer,<P>I hope you are still around tonight. I took some time to read up on your posts. I too am concerned for you, as your situation does seem scary.<P>You mention that your H is controlling and has hit you before. If you read more of the MB material you will find that Dr. Harley does not suggest that people who are in abusive relationships attempt to recover their marriage.<P>What he suggests is that the abused spouse must get away from the abuser. Then the abuse issue can be worked on first. Only after that is under control can the marital recovery start.<P>I hate to tell you this but it is very unusual for emotional and physical abusers to ever recover. It is a very deep-seated problem.<P>Please understand that when buffy and others were advising you to return to your husband and work on your marriage using the MB concepts they had no idea that your H was abusive. Your problems go far beyond the normal MB concepts. <P>Unfortunately I have a fair amount of personal experience in this area. Your H sounds a lot like my XH. If they are not willing to admit their abuses and willing to look at them selves there is little hope of recovery. <P>Please be very careful about moving back in with your H. You and your children may not be safe with him.<P>Look, you and I both know that your affair was not the right way to go. But I recognize the depth of pain you were in when you sought some validation outside of your marriage. An abusive spouse strips away all of the other's self esteem, dignity, and mental health. You are looking for a lifeline and thought you found it in another person. Unfortunately you have to find it in yourself. <P>This thing about your H letting you move back in with him sounds like a set up to me. My XH tried it too. Then once our son and I were back in our home with him, he tried to order me to leave without our son. I refused to go but ended up having to stay in an abusive relationship another 4 years before he would give me the permission to leave with my son. You are in a good position right now because you have the children. If you move back with your H he could very well use your affair and guilt to force you to abandon your children. Please protect your children from him if he is abusive.<P>There are several things you can do before you make a decision to move back with your H. Call the local domestic abuse hot line and make an appointment to speak to someone who can help you access the danger of your situation. If your H ever hits you again, breaks things, threatens you, etc. Please call 911. This is not acceptable behavior.<P>At the very least your H's response to your affair is very unfortunate and unproductive. Here is an interesting quote from the book "Surviving an Affair".<P>"I received a letter from a woman who had had an affair ten years earlier. She said that whenever she and her husband had an argument or she was reluctant to have sex, he would bring up the fact that she had an affair. Being reminded of her affair would throw her off balance emotionally and make her feel guilty. To avoid his anger, and soothe her guilty feelings, she usually gave in to his demands. <P>I [Dr. Harley] advised the woman to look her husband right in the eye and say to him 'Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, you sure are going about it the wrong way. I will not give you what you want when you try to make me feel guilty. If you want to make love to me more often, let's negotiate. But what I did is in the past. Please do not bring it up any more. I will not let you treat me this way because it will ruin my love for you.'<P>While it is true that if you and your H can ever recover from your affair you and he will have to talk about your affair a lot. You will have to answer a zillion questions for him over and over. You will need to listen to how angry he is at you for what you did. And both you and your H will have to look very deeply at each of your contribution to the current state of your marriage. But in no way do you have to put up with him treating you with disrespect for our affair. I am a BS and would never, ever treat my current H in this manner for his affairs. I love him and want our marriage to work. If I hurt him I am hurting myself. <P>If you want to clarify your situation, please do. There are many people here with experience in situations similar to yours. If you want to do this privately you can email me at zorweb@hotmail.com. <P>Take a look at this thread. It might be helpful...<P>Cycles of Abuse - DOMESTIC VIOLENCE<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011045.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011045.html</A> <P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare<p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited September 25, 2001).]

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For the record, I don't want to muddy the water here.<BR>He didn't hit me, he may have been controlling, that's what the councelor said. HE thought only hitting and verbal statements were considered abuse. He didn't think being controlling was.When he found out I was seeking counceling in a center for abused women, even though it was mainly because I didn't know where to go, he ordered me to stop seeing them. He said I wasn't abused, I had no business going there, they put ideas in my head.<BR>So the threat of being physically abused is non-exsistant. It's the controlling behavior that will need attention. He is 100% willing to go through counceling, both alone and together.<BR>Now the thought about him setting a trap for me to get the kids has crossed my mind, I just hope I'm not underestimating him on that one. I truely believe he's sincere.<BR>Thank you for your concern. You are a great help for me right now.

Hi 2fer:<P>Well, you did clear that up somewhat but I still urge you to be cautious in returning to your H and please, please keep coming here so we can see how things are going. Your H is very controlling...and even if he is not physically abusive right now...this A business will be very stressful on both of you...especially if you decide to return home as you've indicated you are planning to do....and I afraid in his present state of mind he will use the A as an excuse to be more controlling.<P>But you are seeking counseling and at least he is willing to do that...that should help if he is able to deal with what that may entail for him...probably dealing with his controlling issues. People who must deal with anger and control are not easily reached because they have a tendency to feel they are right and have a certain entitlement to running their lives and their families' lives the way they think they should go. You have decidely stepped outside the boundaries of that picture of his life...and unless he gets counseling to deal with his anger over this I think you can expect to see other ramifications in the weeks and months to come.<P>Please don't think we are trying to interfer in your life...it's just that some of the things you have decribed in your posting set off alarm bells around here....if we are wrong we're sorry...just trying to help. Only asking that you go slow and let your head do a little leading right now and not your heart.<P>Please let us know how you're doing and we'll be praying that things do work out for you.<P>Faye