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#2920252 09/23/01 09:05 PM
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I wish I knew how to get out of this mess without hurting so badly.

I wake up in the morning thinking about him, I go through our daily activities thinking about him, I go to bed thinking about him.

When will this end? Why can't I let go? He wants me to. He wants to be here for the kids, but is still determined that the OW is his soulmate. It is really breaking my heart.

I am going to a Divorce Recovery class, using the book by Dr. Fisher. I have counseled with a number of people that have been through this....but I can't move on.

The events of the last two weeks--the terrorist attacks and my daughter's robbery at Sonics has made me feel even more vulnerable. I want him home with us. This is too hard. Megan could have been killed the other night. How can he not be here loving and protecting us?

Oh, I hate this so much. My neighbor came over tonight to show me their new Tahoe. We were going to buy one of those this year. Will everything always remind me of our life together? Oh God, this hurts so bad. Why doesn't he hurt? We had an inservice day on Friday and I went out to lunch with a number of teachers. A few of their husbands showed up and they seemed so happy. They didn't look like perfect marriages...but they seemed happy. Two of them were talking about going scuba diving. Jim and I got certified...and now we won't get to go. We have never been on a vacation just he and I. It makes me so sad. All these broken dreams. How can he not stand to raise the kids with me? I am really heartbroken.

Sorry for the vent....I have to let it out tho...or it is going to kill me. I read some of the posts here from WSs...do you know what kind of pain your behavior inflicts on your spouse? I don't think you do.


#2920253 09/23/01 09:15 PM
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Hi MM,

I think you are right. I honestly don't think the WS knows what horrible pain and anguish they place on us. It all seems so very unfair. I'm really sorry for you , Hon. I've been in your pain and felt it to the 1000th degree, over and over.

The best advice I can give you is it will take time, and you will go UP and DOWN. AT first it's nothing but DOWN, but I told myself I HAD to go thru this unbelievable hurt to heal. And I was right, you just do, there is no quick and dirty way to bypass it unfortuntely.

People here helped me and without them I KNOW I wouldn't be here today to talk about it. I was in the darkest place you could ever imagine. And look, MM ... here I am. I am here and I can even lend support to others now. I've come a long way and so can you.

Keep posting and tell us how you're feeling. Ask fo help, and vent as much as you need. You are loved and we care, sweetie.

Love,
Jo

[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 23, 2001).]


#2920254 09/23/01 09:27 PM
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MinM - Resilient beat me to it. I also want to add my hugs and prayers. I've been there. It takes time. I'm so sorry also for your daughter's horrible experience. As a teen,I was robbed at gunpoint at a movie theatre that I worked at and although I wasn't locked in a freezer, it was terrifying. She may need counceling for post traumatic stress disorder... especially with everything else going insane in this world. MinM...now is the time to center on you. You are what is important. It doesn't matter what he thinks now, of you or anything. Work on you and your interests. We are here to listen and offer what advice we can...all given with the best intentions. Focus on you and the kids...I send hugs and hugs...

#2920255 09/23/01 09:30 PM
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misery, I really debated posting this, but I will. Your circumstances break my heart, ws are just people like you, not uncaring unfeeling monsters. I suspect your H cares too. This board is very difficult for me cause of so much pain, and unfortuneately I am one of the "enemy", makes me feel lower than dirt. The trouble is this is the risk we all take when we marry, that it won't work out, in effect one can say it is cause one chose the wrong spouse, regardless of the reason the marriage failed. Marriage is not a gaurantee, can never be, it is always a choice, every day...for that risk we stand to gain a lot, security, happiness, children, friendship....but the cost is we may be unhappy, abused, abandoned, estranged.....while we try mightily to gaurantee the outcome with vows and promises, peer pressure, and counseling, you just cannot get certainty with human emotions. Some spouses will still stay, they won't be able stand your pain, they will martyr themself to you, and bravely try to hide it, bury it deep inside them....but you will know, you will know there heart is not really there..... I wonder if that is even worse than leaveing....I guess for some yes, some others would settle for that anyways. I don't know what the answers are, or why we marry people we are not going to be happy with, but humans do it all the time, maybe if every marriage worked we would not be human, we'd be some other lifeform. I know it stinks big time to be on the downside, but we cannot have happiness without unhappiness, otherwise how would we know we are happy? The end of any relationship brings grief, but it seems to have a season, and you will recover, somewhere (although you probably think no way) there is a man who will be able to love you as you need, you will be ok. For what it is worth, your H probably hurts too, if he doesn't, you probably wouldn't really want him anyways.

#2920256 09/23/01 09:35 PM
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Hi MnM How are you doing? I know it's hard and I know what you men about seeing other happy couples or they at least look happy. I find myself constantlylooking at couples and the first thing I do is check out the ring finger to see if they are married. I to am in that spot where you feel as though this pain will never go away. there are so many survivors here at MB that I know it has to get better. Hang there we are all here for you. I'm so sorry to here about your daughters experience that is scary in itself but when it happens to your child even worse. You're right as a parent it's hard to believe that even though you and H are having difficulties that he is not there for his child. That makes me so angry that's the worst part of this. Sonics huh? I use to live out west a long time ago in Kansas and there was a drive-in kinda fast food place called Sonics same sort of place? You and your family are in my prayers. Take care and let us know how you're doing.
C

#2920257 09/23/01 09:49 PM
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SNL - were you ever betrayed by thinker?

#2920258 09/23/01 09:51 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by miserynmissouri:
I wish I knew how to get out of this mess without hurting so badly.

I wake up in the morning thinking about him, I go through our daily activities thinking about him, I go to bed thinking about him.

When will this end? Why can't I let go? He wants me to. He wants to be here for the kids, but is still determined that the OW is his soulmate. It is really breaking my heart.

I am going to a Divorce Recovery class, using the book by Dr. Fisher. I have counseled with a number of people that have been through this....but I can't move on.

The events of the last two weeks--the terrorist attacks and my daughter's robbery at Sonics has made me feel even more vulnerable. I want him home with us. This is too hard. Megan could have been killed the other night. How can he not be here loving and protecting us?

Oh, I hate this so much. My neighbor came over tonight to show me their new Tahoe. We were going to buy one of those this year. Will everything always remind me of our life together? Oh God, this hurts so bad. Why doesn't he hurt? We had an inservice day on Friday and I went out to lunch with a number of teachers. A few of their husbands showed up and they seemed so happy. They didn't look like perfect marriages...but they seemed happy. Two of them were talking about going scuba diving. Jim and I got certified...and now we won't get to go. We have never been on a vacation just he and I. It makes me so sad. All these broken dreams. How can he not stand to raise the kids with me? I am really heartbroken.

Sorry for the vent....I have to let it out tho...or it is going to kill me. I read some of the posts here from WSs...do you know what kind of pain your behavior inflicts on your spouse? I don't think you do.


I feel your pain. Though we are not getting divorced, I feel the same way about going in certain parts of town where I know my W went with the many losers she committed adultery with. I have found that the pain lessens with time with God's help. The key is to rely on God to give you the answers you seek. It hurts God as well and much more so because of the things we continue to do to hurt Him.

It is good to think about it all because it helps you to understand the ludicrousy of what he has done. It still would feel great if they would ask for forgiveness for hurting us. I just know that when I die she will have a really hard time because my W is a professed Christian. You would never know it by her actions. I pray she finds Jesus so that she can know what real love is. I want her to know that all that I have done for her is because God asked me to do it for her to include asking her to marry me.

I've gone offf on a tangent. Thanks for your post. I needed to share these feelings that crop up from time to time.

------------------
God Bless,
Rob

regilmor@swbell.net


#2920259 09/23/01 10:07 PM
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Dear MinM,

This is a man's point of view but I think it might make a little difference to you. Your H is not thinking of anyone but his self right now. But in time he will start thinking of the life that he has chosen. All of the OW's flaws will start to show in time and will make him think of how good he had it with you. The blinds will come off and he will see that he has made a mistake. How could you feel good about hurting the one's that love him the most. In my eyes, not only has he betrayed you but he has betrayed his children too. It might be a month, it might be a year but sooner or later it will hit him right in the face.
The question is how are you going to feel when the walls start tumbling down around him? For now all you can do is try to forgive him for the things that he has done and try not to be angry with him when he's around you. Anger and outbursts will do nothing but push him away even more. I know it is going to be hard but you have to be strong for your sake and his.

My heart goes out to you!

S.E.


#2920260 09/23/01 10:11 PM
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Thanks Roughneck! Wise words. May I ask, are you a WS or a BS?

Jo


#2920261 09/23/01 10:24 PM
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Check the tread about 5 or 6 down for Roughnecks story - how do you stop an internet affair.... Wish I had something to say to help but hugs to all...

#2920262 09/23/01 10:39 PM
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BH

#2920263 09/23/01 11:03 PM
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ewo, no my w has never been unfaithful that I know of, nor do I have any such suspicions. Why do you ask?

#2920264 09/23/01 11:17 PM
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Thank you all so much for your replies. It really helps to be able to talk through some of these feelings...I don't know what I would do without all of your support.

My MIL called this evening because H had told her about the robbery. She was so cold to me on the phone. She was anxious about Megan...but so distant to me. That hurts so bad...we have been so close for 23 years. I have only heard from her twice since H moved out. This is such a nightmare.

Perhaps I did marry the wrong person...we obviously had problems. But I just think this divorce is wrong....we have 4 wonderful kids that deserve their mom and their dad....warts and all. I still love my husband even after all the pain and hurt. That is my reality. I am working on trying to get "over it" but gosh, this is hard. I always envisioned us growing old together, watching the kids grow up, graduating from college, getting married, having their own kids. I wanted to do that with him. We were embarking on this new career, this new lifestyle where for the first time in our marriage--he would have more time to be with us....and we would not have to worry about finances.

It is just such a mess now...just broken dreams. What is life if it is not about honoring your family, your commitments, your marriage vows? What could possibly be more important than that? I wasn't happy all the time in our marriage. We didn't know how to fulfill each other's needs. WE just kept plowing through stuff.

I think he feels like you SnL. I think he has finally found what he wants and he is willing to give up everything for it. That is sad to me. He also states that I will find "someone better suited to me". Unfortunately, I did find him. I fell in love with him 25 years ago. I had 4 kids with him, I supported him in his career, and I cheered him on in this new career. He is the one I chose to marry...Oh well...as they say, it takes two to want to stay in a marriage. He left awhile ago. Probably ten years ago after his first affair. When I look back through my journals--it was from that point on he felt that I was disposable. I think he needed me for his AF wife tho...because I fulfilled that role well.

I hate that I sound like such a victim. I chose to stay with him. We had kids involved and I was afraid to go on alone. I am still afraid of that. I know I am capable--I just don't want to do it. Guess I don't have much of a choice this time.

Thank you again so much for your thoughts and support. It means so much to me.

I am anxiously waiting to see Meg. She is coming back from a tournament in Tulsa. She left Friday. I thought it would be better for her to be out of town for a few days. She sounded a little stressed on the phone. I hope she is handling the robbery ok. I am so thankful she wasn't killed. I feel so helpless about that situation...it is so hard when you can't protect your own kids. Better get ready for school tomorrow. Have a great SAFE week everyone!! MnM


#2920265 09/23/01 11:48 PM
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Just a note....Meg just walked in the door. They won the Tulsa tournament. She is ecstatic. Probably was the best move sending her to the tournament. She doesn't seem quite as upset about the robbery. Yeah!!! Something good has finally happened. Night!!


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