How do u move on when your H doesn't want you? I mean I'm giving him his space away from him that he wanted right now.. he told me to leave and here I am miserably back home at my parents 2000 miles away..I called him earlier and it's like he resorted back to when he found about my A and when I found about his...After the d-day we were back and fourth but he decided that he wanted to give it a fair shot and try again with our new life (move) ahead of us..<P> WHY did he take me with him if he didnt really want to work on US??? He says he tried, that he tried just for the sake of me being there after what I did to him..what about what he did to me?? I was so open to trying new things.. did everything I could to show him I wanted to be with him, to show him that I was willing and wanting to build a better marriage with him.. Heck we've only been married little over a year and this is the first time we've spent the whole two months under same roof due to military and then his separation from me when he found out...<P>I KNOW i hurt him, something I regret soo much...It seems as though this distance between us in miles in under a week has put more distance from us..WHAT do I do? Do I keep trying or should I just give up?? He was so cold on the phone to me telling me he doesn't want to talk to me.. I got upset and told him that he hurt me.. his response "oh i'm sorry i hurt u, u don't think you hurt me for what u did?" I meant by the way he was talking to me..I told him he doesn't know how I'm feeling right now..he sacarasticlly says "o i don't know" ..I know he's hurting too but why does he have to be so cold about it? Why can't he talk to me about his feelings instead of being hateful? I'm so upset and torn right now over what to do... I so badly want to hop on the next plane to him--I feel though that that may make him hate me more... I guess I have to face the fact he can't get over what happened no matter how hard I try.. <P>I keep bringing up counseling with him and he says it's a waste cause he just doesn't want to be married.. tonight he told me that he knows it's a waste because "no counseling can tell me what I already know--me and you can not be married" I feel like all the progress we had came to is just down the drain.. I am going crazy here, everything triggers memories of the first weekend we met..<P>How do I move on? He said you being gone is for the best... the best for him.. it seems like everything lately if all 'for him".. I would be able to understand this position bettr if he hadn't had an A also, AND if he hadn't said he WANTED to take me to California to try...sorry for rambling but I have no where to turn to right now...

Hi PC,<P>Why? Because this has put a great riff in your M. Such a young M at that. It has been a week. This is your hard time. You can either continue to cry and be hurt or do that but learn to pick yourself up. Wipe off those tears and work on showing yourself to be the woman your H fell in love with. <P>Your words may not mean much, your actions will mean more. Maybe not right away but later. Even if he never takes you back (worse case scenario), you will have learned to become a better person. On the other hand this could also make you attractive to him. Either way, you will have the positve benefit. <P>Work on your actions. Stick around here, you will find that this stuff takes time. 1 week is a relatively short time. However, if you spend your time working, reading, studying, your personal phone counseling. Then the improvement to yourself will be visible to others, yes even your H. <P>Right now, don't focus on the fact he does not want to be married. Is there a guarantee that he will never change his mind? No. So don't act like it and don't LB that way. <P>What I am outlining for you is hard. But many have gone through this. Listen for their experiences and words of wisdom. You will get through this. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Thanks Orchid...I know this takes time it's just being here seems to make the time drag by not being able to share a simple smile, goodnight, or everyday things like even watching tv together...I know my biggest thing I need to work on is not LB...I always have a good mindset not to, but it seems like the first time he says something that hurts me my defense goes down...this I know I need to work on with myself not just with him...I appreciate you replying to my posts--THANK YOU!! I think I'm going to go away in a couple of days and be around old friends--the drive will do me good to 'clear my mind'... being at home is harder for me I believe cause family tells me it's not my fault..look how he treated you this/that time... blah blah blah --i'm tired of trying to explain to them the situation and defending him... and the thing is they KNOW what I did--ugh!! One more thing.. I sent him the pages of all my posts so far.. do u think that is being to "pushy" or just wrong to do at this time? thanks again

PC<BR>The only thing that you can change is you.<BR>There is really nothing that you can do to get inside your H head or try and change the way he is being. I know that his coldness hurts you, BELIEVE ME. Just remember, your H does NOT hate you. He is struggling with a lot of pain, confusion, anger, hurt. That is going to take time to get over. You're going to hear this repeated so much here, but its because its the truth. The bottom line, if he decides to get a divorce, there isn't a thing you can do about that. But there is something you can change, you. You can look inside and start to work on the things that cause you to react the way you do to him. You can be kind and gentle and have a calm confidence. I am looking at myself right now too. You know you preach best what you most need to know. Use this time to get into touch with you. Don't allow your self worth to be attached to what he does. They are different. He's going to respect that in time. Plan A as much and as hard as you can. Don't beg him for anything. Don't call him as much. Just be, just be you. Start loving yourself, changing yourself and watch him come around. <BR> He's going to look for any excuse right now. Anything you do is going to be turned into a reason why he doesn't want to be around you. Is he still seeing OW? This is also something that can cause these feelings that he's expressing. He's going to tell you that you just don't get him, that you don't understand him. Get you frustrated by trying to deter your efforts, you hang in there. This is all part of the healing process. The truth is, he's not going to have it any better on his own, or with someone else, the pain, the hurt, it all will follow him. So you do the only thing you can. Work on you. <P>

Dear PC,<P>How are you doing today? I am bumping this up so your can see Missingher's response. It is very good and gives you a lot to contemplate. <P><<<hugs>>><P>L.<BR>

Orchid and MissingHer... Thanks so much for 'calming" me down.. last night after I wrote this I felt so much at ease and was able to sleep finally...I'm doing better today.. he called me today and asked me what i wanted to talk about.. i told him just to talk to him... we had a nice conversation actually.. he said that i need to quit bringing up things that does not "concern me" now.. and that quit arguing situations that are not to become... I told him i realized the way I was.. and he admitted that he too was being a jerk.. he called again to ask about the bank card that he can not find.. I seriously think he thinks I took it.. (which I did NOT) I just answered his questions and didn't tell him that that was the way he was making me feel.. no sense of starting something that he will turn bitter on for no reason....I know I didn't! By the way, the big D-day weekend was April 7th.. since then he has talked to the OW for a while and saw her again after that... the end of June he saw her but it was on the street and I'm taking it she wouldn't talk to him... the only other contact is when he called the OM and the OW to "make things right" with everyone... she is in a different state so I know it's impossible to be seen.. I really don't think he would see her like that anyway because he has told me that she is someone that he could not be with in relationship...the only thing close to another OW is his internet friend that they have known each other way before me, but she is the one that he calls constantly and talks to for hours... <p>[This message has been edited by patientlyconfused (edited September 24, 2001).]

hanging in there.. thanks for the hugs!!