My husband left me 4 months ago. Only been married 2 years, he said he did not love me anymore. My world fell apart. I had postnatal depression, and alot of the time did not show him any affection or love, I didnt mean to, but have now change anti depressants and feel better.<P>For the last 2 months we have been meeting each other once or twice a week as "friends" his idea, to see if his feelings will return. I am finding this so painful to do, as I cannot show him any affection, and he does not show me any. We get on great as friends, we really enjoy being with each other, and have a great time. But nothing is changing his feelings are still the same. He is getting frustrated because nothing is happening. I have been texting him 2 or 3 times a day to tell him I love him and miss him. I write him poems once a week. I dont know what else to do. After a day out with him and our daughter he goes back to his place, I come home and sob! I am hurting so much he doesnt miss me anymore, and if I didnt text him, he wouldnt even ring me for a week. I keep asking myself why am I putting myself through all this pain. Should I just let him go? so I could get over him. I cry because I miss him so much, and to love someone so much and not have that love returned really hurts, especially as we get on so well, like we used to when we first met each other, except without the affection.<P>How can I handle the pain so I can cope with seeing him. Because to be honest I get so upset I really dont know if I can do this for much longer. Then I know we will go back to no contact and realise its all over.<P>Can his love ever return, as I hurt him so much with all the lovebusting when we were together. As he lost it forever?<P>I would be very greatful for any advice given.<P>Lynne

Ll<P>Can his love return? Possibly...it depends on a lot of factors. <P>If affection is an important emotional need for him then that's what you need to try to provide.<P>One of the suggestions made here and in some of the books I have read is that you need to act "as if"...that is "as if" you are more than friends "as if" you are still lovers. <P>This is not as easy as it may sound and you may do it without reward for a while but it is somethign YOU can do...it might be worth a try to see what kindof reaction you get from your H.<P>MY W (WS) & I are trying to make our way thru recovery and this is oneof the suggestions our counselor has made. Although, as I said it isn't as easy as it sounds.<P>good luck <P>E<P>

Read up on Plan A and Plan B and get individual counseling. Take care of you. Love yourself. I am sorry for your pain - It is real. Keep posting.

Lyndilou --<BR>Read His Needs Her Needs.<P>You say you are texting him messages and writing him poems. That may be a great way for you to express you love, it might not be a great way for him to receive it.<P>You need to understand what his needs are and HOW to meet them. Notes, poems, and messages might be turn-OFFS to him.<BR>That might be why you feel you aren't making progress.<P>Good Luck

Lyndilou,<P>I think you have not been quite honest with yourself. And therefore not very honest with him. You stated that you used to LB him a lot. You showed him no affection. You stated that he instigated the getting together but when you do meet with him you show no affection because it hurts you to much. You then puzzle why he is withdrawn although still trying to meet with you. He wants to know if you love him. He wants to know if you can in fact show that you love him. He wants to know if life with you will be one constant LB.<P>Are you showing him the answers to these questions? Unless the answer is that you don't want to be married to him, I would suggest that the answer is no. You are focussing on your hurt and pain, perhaps you should take awhile to ponder what he sees in this marriage and in your actions.<P>It is my opinion that you are so focused on your self that you are missing the obvious signs he wants it to work. He had the idea of meeting. He meets with you. He is trying but how could he fall in love with a woman that cannot show affection whose words don't match her deeds??<P>If you want this marriage to work, you need to take a critical look at yourself and decide what it is you want. If it really is the marriage and not just someone feeling sorry for you, then change your approach. I appreciate that there are two sides to this story. I appreciate that he is probably not a "model" husband, but you and only you can change your approach. What you are doing now is not working.<P>Now, I'm sure this sounds harsh to you, especially since you probably came here for comfort. I will offer you the one thing that should comfort you most. You marriage can be saved. It happens around here frequently, but it takes honesty with yourself and your H.<P>I would like to recommend that you read some of the material around here. You can find a general greeting in the "Just Found Out" section of this board. It is actually posted by two people NSR or Onegoing. Please read there especially about Harley's 4 rules and even plan A although it is designed for people recoverying from an affair, I suspect that some of the ideas and approaches may be of use to you.<P>I am sure more people will come and post. I do wish you the best, but remember one thing. You can make your marriage much better, just give it a try.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you all so much for your replies it means alot to me.<P>JL.I think you misunderstood my post. I cant show my h affection because he wont let me. He says it makes him feel awkward as he does not want to do the same. I would love more than anything to be able to hold him, touch him, kiss him, this is why it is so painful for me when I am with him. I know affection is top of him emotional needs, but how can I show him affection if he doesnt want it?

So many of your posts sound like mine...as bad as it may sound, it is nice to know that someone is in the same boat as me and trying as hard as me. I don't feel like such a fool But that is a good question, how can you show him affection (one of my husband's top emotional needs) if you are separated and when you do see him he is stiff and standoffish. Should you just hug him or kiss him goodbye anyway? My husband will allow it, just won't respond. And he knows I am sincere, he just never wants to get my hopes up because he really doesn't think we can work things out (this meaning he doesn't want to try because he is too tired and too hurt to try and have it fail).<P>I haven't seen him in 2 weeks face to face, not sure when I will see him again, hopefully soon. But when I do I know I will give him a big hug and tell him it is so nice to see him. I know that hugging helps alot so I hope it doesn't backfire.<P>But does anyone have any ideas for NON PHYSICAL affection since I can't be with him much right now because he wants time and space?

I am going to answer your question with a question: Have you been taking care of you? What I mean by this is have you been sleeping enough, eating properly, exercising regularly, seeing an IC, meeting with friends, developing a hobby, indulging in something just for you?<P>I think this is one of the keys to dealing with the pain and hurt, and one that many of us forget about or leave to the end of the list of priorities.<P>If you look after yourself well, I mean really well, then you won't have to live every moment of everyday wondering whether his feelings for you will changing and hanging on how well last meeting went and when the next will be. You will start to feel better, irrespective of whether your H's feelings are changing.<P>It is strange how some WSs only start to feel that there is really special value to their BSs when their BSs start to feel better about themselves.<P>Of course, I am speaking from the "do as I say and not as I did" school, as I spent 10 months in the ultimate of Plan As. Only when I reached the end of my rope, told my H that I wanted him to leave, concentrated on taking care of me and our children, did my H actually start to tell me how special, precious, and amazing he thinks I am. Now that I don't hang on his every word and gesture, he really wishes he took notice all those times I did.<P>But, taking care of you cannot be fake, a game to get your H to notice. Make your priority you and truly feeling better. Then whether your H's feelings towards you warm is going to be far less important to you, seeing him will be less painful for you, and then you can start to heal. Don't forget that true recovery of a M actually requires three recoveries: your recovery, your H's recovery, and the recovery of your M. The first is necessary, no matter what; the second is up to your H and out of your control; and the third won't really happen without the first two and both of you working together to rebuild.<P>My answer to your question, genuinely, is work on yourself for a while. Focus on what you need to feel better, that is outside of your relationship with your H. Take a break from the M and its problems. You deserve it, you need it, your M needs it.<P>And keep posting here. We truly understand.<P>OneDay<P>------------------<BR>Never give up. Never, never give up.<BR>~ Winston Churchill

Oneday.<P>You are so right. No I havent been looking after myself. The trouble is I am at home all day and night with my baby all my friends work full time, and I end up sitting here like a zombie on my own, thinking about my H every minute of the day, missing him and wishing he would love me again.<P>I am trying to look for a part time job, I know what you said is exactly right. I have to think of me first and I must start doing that. My problem is I havent any motivation to want to exercise or go out and do anything. I feel so lost and lonely sometimes.<P>You were also spot on about my H.We had a long talk the other day and he told me he has no self esteem, no self worth and he doesnt think I deserve him anyway, and he thinks I mad being friends with him. He said he needs to sort his head out before he can sort his feelings out for me. He doesnt like who he is, he says hes got nothing to offer me, so you are right hes got sorting out to do as well.<P>I know if I could fill my days up, it would get easier I wouldnt have the time to think about him or miss him. But at the moment its so hard to do, that is why I am hurting so much.<P>Do you think I should back of with the texts etc. Not discuss our marriage when I see him. And just enjoy our day out once a week with our baby?<P>Thank you so much for posting. It totally hit home.<P>Lynne

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lyndilou:<P><B>Do you think I should back of with the texts etc. Not discuss our marriage when I see him. And just enjoy our day out once a week with our baby?<P>Thank you so much for posting. It totally hit home.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My answer is YES. (Althogh, you might want to keep reading the texts, as that may be helpful to your recovery. Your H may not be ready. Mine still won't do the reading "thing".)<P>In fact, between now and your next day together, do a few things just by yourself or with your baby. Find a "mom and me" group to go to; around our place, there are even "mom and baby in stroller" exercise classes, that basically consist of walking at a good pace, while pushing a stroller and chatting with the closest person doing the same thing, and sometimes stopping at a park to stretch, smell the flowers and chat some more. Other variations are baby swim or "swim and gym" classes, baby music classes, baby play groups, depending on the age of your baby. Another possibility is to find a painting, pottery, stencilling (you get the idea) class during a weekeday that you would like to join. You could also start a postpartum swim, low impact aerobics, yoga, or tai-chi class (or whatever postpartum exercise class might be available). If none of the above are organized in your area, you could organize one for a few moms whose names you could get by "word of mouth" through friends and neighbours. Any of these activities will get you interested in something and put you into contact with other women who have some things in common with you: a new baby, a need for company, a bit of extra time on their hands, and a new past-time.<P>So, next time you see your H, you can "just enjoy your day out" and ALSO tell him about the new activity you are trying. (My own variation of this is taking tennis classes. After my tennis class, which I take during my lunch once a week, I sometimes meet my H for a quick bite of lunch. I am guaranteed to have something interesting to talk to him about, such as how my forehand is coming along, or the technique to use for just the right lob.)<P>If you think a part-time job would help, then go for it. If you can afford not to work, I think IC would be a better investment. (I did not think I "needed" IC for nearly a year after d-day. I might not even "need" IC now, but it sure does help to talk to a professional about some of this stuff.)<P>Another idea is to volunteer in a support network for pregnant women or any other group you think you would have a little time for. (Our area has a local nursing support group, with a drop-in centre for new moms to come to for help. The group actually trains the volunteers to be helpful both in person and over the telephone.) I sometimes find giving just a little help to someone else, in something I am comfortable with, helps my self-esteem.<P>I am sure you can think of all sorts of ideas that will help you feel better about you. Of course, don't forget about the basics - eating well, sleeping enough and regularly, and getting fresh air, daily. Spending just a few days cooped up indoors, forgetting to eat (or continually eating), and not sleeping enough or regularly is a recipe for losing one's perspective. Having spent far too many days like this, I can attest to losing perspective from first hand experience.<P>Check in frequently here. You will always find a supportive MBer.<P>OneDay<P>------------------<BR>Never give up. Never, never give up.<BR>~ Winston Churchill<p>[This message has been edited by OneDay (edited September 24, 2001).]

Yes I understand exactly what you are saying. I dont eat for days on end, Im not sleeping well, so it is hard to get motivated. But I know I must start looking after myself. I have not texted H for the last 2 days it has been really hard not to. Of course I havent heard from him. i will not be seeing him now untill Sunday, he said he would ring me Sat to make arrangements.<P>But as my days are so empty I do miss him terribly. I know I have got to change that for my own good.<P>I live in the UK so the only thing similar is Mother and Toddler, its just hard to go to these things on your own. I have suggested to my friend that we start playing Badmington, so that will help. I just find it so hard to get motivated to do anything!<P>Thankyou again for your advice, I will start taking it and start living for me.<P>Lynne

Let us know how you are doing, okay?<P>------------------<BR>Never give up. Never, never give up.<BR>~ Winston Churchill

Lyndilou--<P>I've been keeping up on your post but haven't posted to you..your post has also been helping me..<BR>Gosh I so know how your feeling... For the last 2 months I've been living with my H as we were "trying to work things out"... I wanted so much to reach over and touch him constantly or hold his hand.. I would get upset when we went out and saw couples kissing and cuddling... it showed on my face and reaction and in return would upset him...I would live for the times when he would come up and hug me give me a peck and said he loved me... <P>He asked me to leave so i'm at my parents house (2000 miles away ) It was awful leaving.. I so much want to be back there everyday.. the first few days were hard because I wanted to be on phone and talking to him.. ended up fighting.. the weekend went with no contact and when we did it was late Sunday night about 1:30 and he was a jerk and I was awful doing lot of LBing... he called next day and apologized...I sent him my posts that i've had on here.. don't know if good idea or not.. BUT he did call me today to ask a question he already has 4 other times and then to tell me he was getting online if I wanted to talk with him.. that made me happy but not getting my hopes up<P>I feel as you do.. wanting to cry all the time and not wanting to do anything.. just moping around.. I want to email and call him all the time.. Like you when I was still there when we would go out to movies or even just sitting at home we were communicating and acting like before everything happened just not with the affection... what would confuse me was at night he would snuggle with me tell me he loved me then the next day like that never happened ..at least you don't have that confusion as much on top of it.... <P>i've been reading posts and some of responded to mine about doing things for me to make myself a stronger person.. that is the only thing that we can do! somone gave me good advice that it's not guarentee that he will want this M like I do but in the end if I'm strong then he will see that and YOU will be a better person.. this is soooo true.. yes believe me I'm there with you and know it's soo tough and you feel like why are you going through the pain...<P>I'm not "qualified" to give any advice just let you know that I am right there next to you.. and to relay some advice that I got earlier.. <P>Just hang in there and keep us posted!

PatientlyConfused.<P>Thanks so much for your post. The trouble is you dont know what to do for right or wrong. I woke up this morning feeling so low. Really missing him today. Up untill last week we were meeting Mon, Wed, Fri and spending the days together. He has now got a job, so I saw him last Sunday and I wont see him untill next Sunday. It has been really hard but I havent texted him at all this week. I was hoping he may text me, but as yet nothing. I get so disappointed when I switch on the phone and there are no messages.<P>I know I have got to get a life, so I am not switching on the phone every 5 mins wondering if he has sent a message, sitting here crying because I miss him desperately. But when you are feeling so low its very hard to do. It hurts so much that in a few months, he doesnt even miss me now!<P>Yes I am like you, I want to contact him all of the time, and it is killing me, not speaking to him or texting him, but maybe I do need to back of and let him have some space.<P>I still do belive he does love me deep down, but it is as if he has gone into emotional shutdown, he has put up a wall somewhere. But I cant be friends forever its to painful.<P>Its nice to know Im not the only one going through this, and please let me know how you are doing, or anything that helped you, and I will do the same.<P>Take care of yourself<P>Lynne

How are you doing tonight? I'm ok I suppose.. yesterday was ok and today was better..Although, I haven't heard at all from my H.. at least yesterday I did here his voice.. At night when I lie down to go to bed I still have a break down because he's not there... I've been trying to stay positive.. it's so hard, especially when my mom keeps going on and on about things and why i'm not happy--I know she's glad to see me and stuff but under the circimstances I'm not.. can she not see that?! Sorry to get off on that subject! <P>Anyway, I'm going to our old post to see some old friends for the weekend.. my parents got me a new (used) car that I will be taking over payments soon so gotta try it out... it's going to be hard being therere without him because lots of things will remind me of him/us.. but the way I look at it it's just as bad here because I keep thinking about when we first met and stuff.. <P>Just wanted to let u know I read your post.. and I'm thinking of you.. as for what I'm doing.. it's just itching not to contact him.. I know last night I wrote a draft on my email.. didn't send it but I felt better and then if he 'happens' to go through my email looking for anything he'll find it! I'm with you.. I know he still loves me -wish he would just WAKE UP!!! <P>hey if you ever want to talk more u can email me..tamika7_@hotmail.com, also have msn, yahoo, aol, and icq gotta em all!! LOL<P>have a good night.. I'll post to you before I leave! <P>Be strong and we WILL make it through this!! love, tammy

Hi Tammy,<P>Its really nice to hear from you again.<P>Dont you just wish the H could feel the pain and hurt they are putting us through. I cant believe how tough it is not contacting him, Im just hoping he might miss me a little!!<P>I know my H has a problem with no self esteem at the moment, but you feel so helpless because there is nothing I can do or say to make him feel better about himself. He says untill he sorts himself out he cant think about us. When I see him on Sunday, I will suggest that going to see a Counsellor may help, but I really dont think he will do that.<P>Its hard because its all out of our control. Its trying to be patient with them, but its so hard to do.<P>I hope you have a good day today. Yes we have got to try and be strong, however hard it is!<P>Thanks for your email address.<P>Take care<P>Lynnex

Lynn~~<P>I know exactly what u mean.. u sound SO much like me.. getting ready to go on my trip but wanted to tell you thanks for the email.. I'll keep in contact with you on my trip.. hang in there!!<P>By the way, on my email I implyed that WE didn't have any children.. i know YOU do!! Just got to thinking u might think I didn't know you did... <p>[This message has been edited by patientlyconfused (edited September 27, 2001).]