I am a WS that has been given a second chance. I am coming clean with everything, and I hope he is,too. But he is the type that even when caught in a lie, he will deny it to his death. I've caught him with proof and he still denies things!<BR>We have a mutual female friend. H and her have spent a good deal of time alone partaking in a hobby they share, once even an out of town trip sharing a motel room with another woman. Through the years I just blew it all off, as he denies having any feelings towards her or any other. When I was down, I went to her and we talked, she told me she didn't believe I was still with him, he was so bad, and she told me about how all our friends were telling her about how he was such a bad person and how I deserved better. When I was down, she gave me the final shove to believe my M was hopeless.She also told me my H would come "whining" to her, and this time she wasn't going to listen to him, that she was not getting into our M but she was talking to me because we were girlfriends. <BR>When I moved out, I emailed her, thinking we were friends. But I found out she was running to HIM with my emails! Why would she convince me I wanted to leave and then run to him if there wasn't anything between them??<BR>I don't want to come off as trying to push the focus off my A, but this bothers me and may hamper my feeling 100% about my H. <BR>Should I tell her H about it, since the 4 of us are friends? My H still denies anything.If there was anything, shouldn't I know now that we are being honest?<BR>I don't want this to turn arround as me trying to get back at anyone, I just want MY M to grow.<BR>Thank you.

2fer,<P>It seems to me you are blaming your H for something your girlfriend was cooking up. From what you have posted here your A played right into her hands. You have an A on your H, you move out, you do a lot of things and you confide in her.<P>All she did was tell him what you were up to and how much you disliked him from the sounds of it. Makes recovery sort of hard. I think you now have a real problem.<P>Your H has come to rely on her in his time of distress. She and your H share a hobby and he apparently trusts her.<P>Your H has learned he cannot rely on you. You and your H seem to only share a marriage seriously messed up by your A and I doubt he trusts you.<P>The one thing you may have in your favor is that he loved you and still may. He may be attracted to her, but he didn't love her.<P>So what does all of this mean??? Well obviously rebuilding a marriage (I am presuming that this is your goal, will entail getting this girl out of your lives). This must be done with mutual consent and it will take time.<P>You will need to rebuild your H's trust. You and he will need to rekindle the love you have. You will need to spend time with H, perhaps becoming involved with his hobby. But more than anything you will need to be honest with your H about what you feel she has been doing. He may not believe you at first, but I suspect that her continued actions will convince him.<P>This is a delicate situation but it can be overcome. I am sure others will post and offer far better advice than I have given. But have hope this can be worked out.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Explain to your husband just as you explained to us...<BR>-----------------------------------------------------------I don't want to come off as trying to push the focus off my A, but this bothers me and may hamper my feeling 100% about my H. <BR>Should I tell her H about it, since the 4 of us are friends? My H still denies anything.If there was anything, shouldn't I know now that we are being honest?<BR>I don't want this to turn arround as me trying to get back at anyone, I just want MY M to grow.<BR>-----------------------------------------------------------<BR>It sounds like you are implementing the policy of radical honesty and that is great! Did you read the info about the joint agreement? not doing anything without an enthusiastic agreement? See if he can enthusiastically agree with you on not continuing any kind of friendship with this other couple. Since you are the WS, you know how easy it is to get caught up in an EA then a full blown PA. Encourage him to discontinue the friendship. <P>Good luck!<BR>

<BR>Yes, we are rebuilding our M, and we are off to a terriffic start.<BR>No, I am not blaming him for what she was cooking up, but I know he will adamantly deny she was up to anything so that they can continue sharing this hobby. I know from past experience that she walks on water.I no longer talk to her. I just want him to stop defending her if possible.<BR>We start counciling soon, maybe that would be a neutral place to touch this subject.<BR>Thank you very much!