I realize that by comparison, my situation is probably minor. However, I am truly confused, and am hoping someone out there has seen a simiar situation.<P>For the last year or so, my job has been very demanding. I did the best I could to be with my wife. We truly enjoyed and enjoy each other's company, but I now readily admit I let her down for six months the early part of this year by not paying enough attention to her.<P>In the mean time, an ex-boyfriend that broke her heart 15 years ago (who had, by the way, been very aware of where she had been for the last 15 years) began e-mailing her. He is now married, but unhappy with his choice. He told my wife for six months how much he loves her, how much he screwed up by dumping her. What he loves about her and why. And I believe he actually means it. He has children, and so do we. They even met once for lunch (he lives 1000 miles away) at one opportune time that was so painful to both of them, they didn't communicate for several weeks.<P>My wife says they did not cheat physically, and based on what I know, I believe her. But she has told me that he is the love of her life, and that even though he will probably never leave his wife or children, that she will never really be able to get over him. I am, she says, her pal and friend, and she loves me. But he is "beautiful from the inside out," and regardless of what he does to her, she will always really want to be with him.<P>I love my wife, and want to be with her, but I feel not only like I have been cheated on, but that regardless of what I do for the rest of my life, I will always be number 2. The pain has been unbearable at times, and she didn't even do anything physical, which I know is what most of you have to deal with. Am I stupid to want to stay with her? Am I stupid to worry about this? Is it natural for people to begin to want their "true love" after 10 years of marriage to someone they thought was a great friend and partner? I know about the emotional credits theory talked about her, and I agree. But I find this to be a different situation. How can I compete with a perceived true love?<P>Thanks

No, you are not stupid, you have seen a number of legitimate red flags...your wife should cut ALL contact with this guy if she wants it to work with you.<P>And it IS an affair...if no sex occurred it is called an emotional affair(EA), if it did it is a physical affair (PA).<P>You need to talk to your wife about some boundaries.

Your not crazy. Your situation is not different then anyone elses here. This is how Physical affairs start. She has to stop all contact with him. Make her choose him or you. Put your foot down. If you love and respect yourself to know you deserve better than this treatment she will either love and respect that in you in return or she will leave. This can go on and on for as long as you allow it to. Nip it in the bud! Consider contacting his wife. Admit your wrongs of not paying enough attention to her and then move forward to showing her more attention. Don't dwell on the passed. I am sorry, it is hard. Keep posting. Read the material here especially about Lovebusters, Plan A, Plan B, Emotional needs... <BR>

Thanks for both of your input. We have already had the "no contact for the rest of your life" talk, and she has agreed. She is just very, very sad. She has already said she would leave, if that is what I want. She doesn't believe she can have him because he won't leave his kids. But she's convinced he is her soulmate (they went out for 6 months 15 years ago), and that no one can ever replace what she feels for him, including me. She says she would rather leave and live alone than cause me more pain. I have said I don't want that. Sometimes life really sucks.

Jose - run, don't walk - to Barnes and Noble and pick up a copy of Surving an Affair by Dr. Harley.<P>You'll see that with some work, your wife can and will love you as #1 again.<P>She's sad, because she's going through withdrawal. Eventually, if you work hard at meeting her top emotional needs, and avoid love busting, she'll begin to see that she loves you.<P>Hang in there, and keep posting. There's lots of help on the Recovery board - because thats what you are doing - recovering your marriage from an emotional affair.<P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

They went out for 6 months!? <BR>And you have been together 10 years?! <BR>I think that she doesn't know him very well - she only knows the good things about him - the things he wants her to know. You can't know a person in 6 months. She is not seeing the reality of it and that is a shame. Most relationship are wonderful at the beginning. Had she dated him longer and got to know who he really is she would've gotten over him. Instead she has this fantasy that her whole like would've been like those 6 months had they worked it out. But NO... if they would've worked things out then then she would be the wife that he would've been unhappy with and he would be emailing another woman. I wish should would open her blind eyes and see that!!!<P>Is she open to counseling? She has hurt you deeply and she has had an emotional affair by the words you say she expressed. This needs to be dealt with and can't be swept under the rug. <P>Read the post about "soulmate" you should enjoy that. <P>

Thanks Bramblerose and notheard. I really appreciate your suggestions. I will get the book, and I did look at the Soulmate posting. I just keep thinking that regardless of the fact that she says she will stop contact, her heart is still with him, and may always be, as dumb as that sounds. She thinks he's perfect, and since she never got very far in their relationship the first time, he always will be in her mind (unless she spends a few years with him!) She has already lied to me about her relationship several times. How do I ever believe her again when she says she loves me, or wants to be with me, especially in light of some of the stuff she was saying the other night?

Jose. You need to make decisions but with children it gets a bit harder. True loves are simply relationships that did not have an ending. If they had I'm positive she would not be feeling this way, she was also the one not chosen by this OM so many years ago that adds fuel to the fire. You need to be her soul mate and you need to try and touch her in a way she can't be touched by anyone else.<BR>The e-mail’s must end and the OM should be warned any other communications with your wife is unacceptable. There are to many lives at stake here. Marriages are not easy and sometimes I wonder why we do it at all. But I do see older people that really love each other through out there lives and know it can be a beautiful thing when it works. <P>This really is about your wife not closing that past relationship and putting it to rest. The emails and the warning to the OM will solve that problem. Email can be very damaging to marriages because you tend to create a bond "emotional" with the other person. Bad news. I hope I gave you something to think about.<BR>

I think a good boundary to set would be: if she is in contact with OM then you will contact his wife. She has a right to know. She maybe clueless as to what is going on and think their marriage is fine.

Great ideas, Adamsol and notheard. But what about this Soulmate thing. What if they really are Soulmates? What if they are supposed to be together? She thinks they are. But he hasn't made any sort of move since I first contacted him, which leads me to believe she is much more into him than he is into her (although from what he has written, you would never believe that.) Is there a higher responsibility to this Soulmate idea. Or are they just two romantics that look at things from an idealistic position, whereas I am more pragmatic (with some romance thrown in for good measure)? Maybe I'm just too nice a guy. I should be incredibly angry, and instead I am sad, and searching for whatever it is that makes my wife truly happy.