During the 3 months since my d-day I have been Plan A'ing my behind off. No LB's at any step of the way. I think that we've made significant progress and I think that a re-committment may be close. My WS and I have numerous meaningful and honest conversations about where we are and how we got here. However, one issue is still a problem. My wife has admitted only to having an EA, not a PA. However, during the early days after d-day I snooped and found a log that she kept of her dates with the OM and it lists a series of days in which "encounters" occured. I know that she used to take "products" with her on many occasions. I have not pushed the issue yet for fear of an LB but I have asked her to take an AIDS test. She responded that "nothing happened but I'll do it if it will make you feel better...". Each time the topic comes up she repeats that "nothing happened". I have been able to leave this issue alone up until now but it is eating at me. We have both been extremely honest with each other recently but it is bugging me that she is holding back here. Is she trying to protect me? Is she embarrassed about it? Am I putting too much importance on this? Should I press for an explanation? Should I just drop it? Should I just tell her what I know and risk the backlash against having snooped? We seem to be so close to a breakthrough that I don't want to blow it but I'm having trouble viewing her as being completely honest knowing what I know. Can anyone offer any suggestions that are consistent with Harley's principals?

For the sake of your health you have a right to know.

Thanks very much for the reply, Nina too. FYI, she has ordered, and received an "at home" test kit but I'm not aware of any results. She knows that I am insisting on her taking the test. However, what if she takes the test "to make me feel better" but still doesn't admit to any kind of PA? I may then be safe from a health standpoint but I would still have the issue of her being totally honest hanging out there.

StillHangingInThere,<P>You have the right to know for you mental and physical health. Have you and your wife both read the books "Surviving and Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Love Busters". They stress the idea of total radical honesty.<P>I can only tell you what I did with my H.<P>In the first week after D-day was going on with someone about whether or not I would ever be able to trust my H again. This person pointed out to me that I also needed to be concerned about whether or not he could ever trust me. This was a real wake up call. <P>After some contemplation I told him that I know that people make mistakes and bad choices are times. I needed him to be totally honest with me so that we could work on recovery together. I promised to never use anything he told me against him.<P>I also told him that I felt he was lying to protect me. But that his lies did not protect me they only served to prove he was still lying.<P>Then I put all of the evidence I had in front of him. He could no longer refute anything. It was a difficult time. He was ashamed and in pain. He was afraid that I would use this as an opportunity to further hurt him. Yes I cried and told him how hurt I was. He told me that he caused the pain so it was his job to help me heal. I tried very hard to make it safe for him to tell me the truth. I tried very hard to let him know how I felt without love busting. I was not always successful on the no love-busting goal but he understood that I was not trying to extract a pound of flesh. <P>He held me, reassured me and answered my questions again and again. We spent untold hours talking like this but in the end we are closer and happier then we ever were before.<P>I hope this helps you in some way.<P>Z

Hi STIT,<P> I have been, pretty much, one of the most outspoken proponets of truth and honesty in every aspect of WSes affairs. If I have a question I feel it should be answered honestly and completly. I do still believe this is so, however.<P> You know the truth. Simple as that. Do you really need for her to say it? While it is most important that you be protected from desease, how important is it really to hear her admit to a PA with the OM?<P> I, like you, snooped and found much information that just plain broke my heart and set us back to square one. I confronted W with the information. She admitted to more than one affair. It was a HUGE LBer to disclose the fact that I snooped. HUGE. I have since found out much more information.<P> My first thought was to confront wife again with this new information. However I have done much soul searching the past few days. I keep asking myself WHAT will I do when she admits the new information? My answer is that I want to put this behind us as well. So I ask myself WHY confront W and go back to square one AGAIN? <P> The answer is that I have decided NOT to confront her. Not to commit more LBers. Not to make her admit to anything else right now. The end result would be the same for me. I want to work on my marriage and to do a REAL Plan A. I want to forgive W for all. Even that which she hasn't admitted.<P> Peter asked Jesus, "Should I forgive someone who sins against me, seven times"? Jesus answered, "No. You should forgive them seven times seventy". Thats 490 times we are instructed to forgive someone, ANYONE.<P> Some think in order to forgive, the person being forgiven has to ask for your forgivness. This is not the case. Jesus asked God to forgive those that put Him to death for, "They no not what they do".<P> Those at Calvary certianly did not ask Jesus for forgivness.<P> I tell you to get all/any tests that you need to assure that you are/will remain desease free. As for the information you know....FORGIVE with NO strings attached. That is VERY hard to do. Believe me, I know. <P> jd

Thanks Nina too, zorab, and jdmac1 for the kind words. Obviously there are conflicting opinions but you all made your cases so eloquently. It really helps to see sound reasoning behind both sides of the issue. This has been a really tough week for me. As I said before I feel like we are on the verge of a breakthrough. I'm hoping that it's a committment breakthrough. However, since last Monday I think that she is finally realizing that "no contact" has to happen and the grieving process has begun. It's so humiliating to see her in tears over leaving the OM. On one hand I'm hugging her and telling her that it's going to be allright (NO LB's) while at the same time I want to tell her that "If he's so damn great than you can have him" (I know, major LB). Don't worry, After coming this far with Plan A there is no way I would LB on this one. Watching her cry over him, however, has made feel strangely pressured. I'm feeling like if she decides to re-commit I have to be that much better than what she gave up or she is going to feel let down again. Am I crazy here? Is this normal? I don't know how to react to this one.