Last October, I cheated on my girlfriend (we live together). The reasons, and specific actions, don't matter. I realized that I want to marry my girlfriend, but I couldn't ask her without telling her about this. Our marriage would have a lie at it's foundation - teaching our future children about honesty would have been hypcritical. She asked me to leave while she thought things over.<P>My question - what can I do to prove my love for her is true? I want this to work out - I realize now (too late?) that she is the only woman in this world for me. It's been a day since I told her & spoke with her, respecting her wish for time to think. My God, what have I done?<p>[This message has been edited by The Insensitive Jerk (edited September 24, 2001).]

What have you done? I presume you mean, what have you done by telling her?<P>You've set the stage for a long, honest relationship. It's now out of your hands to see if she wants to perform on that stage.<P>WAT

<BR><<<My question - what can I do to prove my love for her is true? I want this to work out - I realize now (too late?) that she is the only woman in this world for me. >>><P>Keep telling her this, keep reassuring her. But most of all SHOW her! Be patient if she doesn't trust you. It takes a long time to regain that trust. Dont' expect things to be back to normal for quite awhile, but it can and does happen. Be there for her, be patient and keep reading and posting on the board. Best of luck!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B>What have you done? I presume you mean, what have you done by telling her?<P>You've set the stage for a long, honest relationship. It's now out of your hands to see if she wants to perform on that stage.<P>WAT</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How can I support her during this time? I feel like my mere presense causes her pain. I want to help her, but feel powerless to do so.<P>

fairydust gave good advice.<P>You need to be totally humble and non-defensive. Lay all your cards on the table, and your head on the chopping block. Admit to being a flawed, imperfect creature, with other things likely to be learned. Hopefully, your honesty will make this easy.<P>After that, be the guy she fell in love with and do not try to convince her of anything. Let your actions speek louder than words. Put into practice your new found realization that a relationship is a journey, not a destination.<P>WAT

Consider going to counseling. Either alone, or with her. It is VERY hard to overcome an affair without professional help. Your willingness to do this will show her your commitment. Good luck

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by The Insensitive Jerk:<BR><B>Last October, I cheated on my girlfriend (we live together). The reasons, and specific actions, don't matter. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Actually, I think (and the MB principles and lots of affair literature take this approach too) that the "reasons" do matter. Your girlfriend, like most BSs, will probably think it matters too.<P>You see, unless your girlfriend understands why it did happen and how the two of you together keep it from happening again, how can she actually believe that you would not cheat again?<P>So, do what all the others have suggested - definitely. But also do some reading and thinking about the "why" behind your cheating and what you should have done differently and the changes that you will make. If you girlfriend is willing to work this out, then she will want to understand the "why" in addition to having you take responsibility, make reparation, and work with her to build a relationship that will be impervious to temptation in the future.<P>You did the right thing by telling her. Do not doubt that for a second! If you learn from this, share with her, make changes, and work at rebuilding your relationship together you can overcome your cheating.<P>------------------<BR>Never give up. Never, never give up.<BR>~ Winston Churchill<p>[This message has been edited by OneDay (edited September 24, 2001).]

please help, please. i swear im dying

should i have waited until after we were married to tell her? would she be more willing to work it out? i didn't want to decieve her, to have her accept my proposal without knowing what i did. i'm terrified that i did the wrong thing and now i've lost the chance to make her happy. can she ever be happy with me?

Jerk - I believe you did the right thing. The truth will set you free. Waiting would have been worse.<P>You cannot be in a hurry now. I suggest you post on the Recovery board to get more insight from those who may have direct experience with your situation.<P>WAT

<BR>>>>You cannot be in a hurry now. I suggest you post on the Recovery board to get more insight from those who may have direct experience with your situation.<P>WAT [/B][/QUOTE]>>>><P>Right. This is a long, slow process and you have just begun. Give her a little time to get her thoughts together.<P>

You did the honourable thing by telling her before you were married. My h had three A's before we were married and he STILL hasn't told me the truth. I know, for reasons I won't go into here.<P>However, if he had, I would have almost certainly NOT married him...because my dad was a cheating spouse for many years and I saw what my mum went through. Of course he knew that, so he didn't tell me.<P>And now we are here 17 years down the track and he has done it two more times, and that's only the times I know about. He now says he doesn't trust himself. <P>Tell me. Do YOU trust yourself, to NEVER, EVER, EVER in a million years do this again? Because I'll tell you something...there are three children in my house who should never have been born. They should have never had to go through the pain of losing their beloved father. I would not give them up for the world, but if I had my time again, I would not have been so stupid as to believe my H's lies.<P>And this is where your fiancee stands right now. She faces a future where she will never know if you will do it again, because she has seen you do it to her once. You say it hurts you...and you know it hurts her. She now has to make a life decision based on what she knows about you...and that will not, in my opinion be an easy one for her to make.<P>I am on my soapbox here, but I'm gonna tell it anyway.. IF you are lucky enought for her to forgive you, don't you ever do this again. Cos that ain't love...it's self-gratification at the expense of another. Do not think for a minute that if she forgives you that you got off easy. For your decision to do what you did has had an indelible effect on your relationship with your fiancee.

You have shown her that you want an honest and open relationship. She may want to know details of your infidelity and you must be prepared to give her answers. The why will be important to her and I think it should be important to you if you never ever want that to happen again.<P>You will have to regain her trust again so be prepared for that as well. (WAT did a good job of telling you what to prepare yourself for!)<P>I'm thinking that some nice flowers with a mushy card might be nice right about now - it's only a gesture, but I think she'd like it.<P>You will have a rough time, but, man - when you work this out you will have the best, strongest, most open and honest, safe, secure marriage!!! Hang in there! How about sending her to this site??

Thanks for all the input, it's really helping!<P>I'm new to the whole "examine yourself" thing & it's pretty scary. We spoke yesterday & she has decided to try & work this out (whew!). There are no guarantees, but the mere fact that she wants to try makes me feel great (selfish, I know).<P>Actually, I told her all about this site & suggested she jump on in order to connect with people in similar situations. Speaking with people who have tried different avenues I'm sure will help her (and us) out a lot.<P>I'll keep you posted. By the way, I will in no way attempt to figure out who she is when she's on this site. I'll tell her who I am on here if she likes, but I want her to be able to engage in conversations and rants that she may otherwise be reluctant to get into if she knows I'm reading them.<P>Is this how most couples approach the issue of using the same website for help?

She loves me, but I can see in her eyes that she is not "in love" with me. It feels like I'm having a constant heart-attack. I can't even imagine how she must feel. If I do everything it takes, is there a chance that I will see love in her eyes again?

Of COURSE there's a chance. If she has said she is willing to try to work on things. There's ALWAYS a chance as long as both partners are willing. Be ready for ups and a lot of downs though. This is SOOO damaging to the BS. I'm struggling myself today, as my H has tried to break it off several times. I always find out it's not really over. Now it's been a week since he wrote a no contact letter, taped it to OW's front door. I am finding it SOOO hard to believe, and open my heart. Give her time. Ask her to read (and you too) Surviving an Affair. With all the great endings of people on this site, there's always HOPE!! Take care and God Bless you!!<P>MOM