I have been having difficulties in my marriage and I am at a loss on what to do.<P>I have been married for 13 years, but the last 7 have almost been more of a marriage of convenience. About seven years ago, after a period of escalating problems, my wife told me that she no longer loved me. I was terribly hurt by that as I was still deeply in love with her. At the time, we decided to stay together for the sake of our children (now 7, 9, and 10), and have struggled through the last 7 years with a very lack-luster relationship. Every day I find that I love her more than the last, but she has only gone as far as saying that she cares for me as a brother.<P>About six weeks ago, as our relationship started to slip down again, I found that she was having an affair. When I initially confronted her, she strongly denied it, but later that evening admitted that she was, and that it had been going on for about a month at that point. Her explanation was that she needed to find out who she was other than a wife and mom, and that she needed to find out what she wanted in life. She said that she needed to find that she could be attractive. She also said that while she liked sex, it just wasn’t fulfilling with me anymore and by having sex with someone else she hoped she would find what it was missing, and bring it back into our relationship. She ended it with pointing out that she was coming to realize that she didn’t want to leave (first sign of improvement in the seven years) but she needed to find who she was before she could fully commit to our relationship otherwise she felt that I would continue pushing her into the mold of mom and wife. She also pointed out that she had set ‘ground rules’ ahead of time to ensure that the OM would not demand more than the ‘just sex’ she was looking for, explaining that the OM was also married with no desire to leave his family. Also that they both realized that they had too many conflicting beliefs for them to ever run off together because they both knew that there was no way they could put up with each other long term.<P>While I had many doubts about how truthful she was as she has given me many reasons not to trust her, over the last six weeks I have found that she was essentially telling me the truth. Over that time, I have went through the MB website, and read several books, all of which made me come to the conclusion that much of the original problem was my swamping her with LB’s (selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and thoughtless actions). <P>I have been trying to follow plan A, but the LB’s had went on for so long, that she still see’s them when I try to tell her my honest feelings, and in things that I didn’t even think were close to being LB’s. I am having a very difficult time even finding what I have been doing to hurt her, because I have done them so long she doesn’t want to tell me what I am doing other than a occasional extremely vague comment. Yesterday I found that I had even been making LB’s by trying too hard.<P>At this point, I’m at a loss on what I should do. The only consistent answer I get from her is to give her space, but when I have tried that, back when we first started to have problems it only seemed to make things worse.<BR>

At_A_Loss,<BR>First of all, welcome to MB. You've come to a great place for support and information. I'm so sorry you've found yourself in the position so many of us are in. I think that you've been willing to read and come here is a great start. Have you and you W talked about counseling at all? I believe it is essential to any kind of recovery. My H and I have been in individual counseling as well as joint. It sounds like your W is in need of some outside help. For you, the self-esteem has got to be a big concern right now, so individual counseling will benefit you GREATLY. One very important thing for you to hold onto as you take blame for your part in the breakdown of your marriage. Both parties have gotten to a point where they are not meeting each other's emotional needs. Your W needs to at some point take responsibility for her part in the breakdown as well. We are here for you. I'm not much good at advice at this point, but I am SURE you will get all that you need. Just keep reading and posting. You are doing a VERY good thing for your W, yourself and most importantly your children. My prayers go out to you...<P>MOM

Hi AaL,<BR>You sound sooo frustrated. Have you guys tried going through the Emotional Needs and Love Buster Questionnaires together? That is an excellent place to start and you don't have to go through it all at once, you can plan several informal meetings or dates and get through the information together.<P>I think that is the best place for you to start, if she's open to it?

Thanks<P>My W absolutely refuses to do counseling due to some issues from when her parents divorced. I sort of get counseling durring my regular appointments with my psychologist for ADD, but I feel reluctant to say anything more than that we are having marital problems. I probably should next time I see him since I found out that he does a lot of marriage counseling after my last appointment.<P>Fustrated isn't quite strong enough, I'm not very patient to begin with, and the failures and lack of progress only make it worse. I've tried to get her to go through the LB and needs questionairs, but she only fills them out half heartedly really only indicating what bothers her and what she needs in a very general way, and has no interest in mine. Thats one of the places I've been running into problems from the trying to hard part - I try to meet her needs too hard, and end up turning them into another LB.

Gosh, she must be in love with her OM...<P>My heart goes out to you. You have been putting up with a lot just for the sake of your kids. Don't think those kids can't feel it, you know, what's really going on between mommy and daddy. {{{HUGS}}}

Hi- by all means get some counseling for yourself either with the counselor you already see or Steve Harley from this site who does phone counseling. You are in for a long road I suspect- my H was in an EA/PA that I discovered at the 2 mo point and it was so strong between them that it nearly led to our divorce. It took months to work out our marriage even WITH counseling. Your W is not able to see you in a realistic light as long as she is involved with OM. Take what she says to you with a grain of salt as long as she is still in her A. My H said our marriage was over in his head, he was leaving me, he didnt love me anymore he loved HER, etc etc! If I had really believed all that he said during his A I would be a basket case still but I chose to think of him as temporarily insane. I recommend that you read some books by Emily Brown- she really understands what is behind emotional type affairs.They can be ordered online thats how I bought mine. lifeismessy