Everyone talks about insisting upon no contact. Of course, I tried this too - but with no success. Then, reading more on this site, it said not to make demands. So, which is it? <P>I told my H he could keep talking to the OW, if that is what he wants (and he has). He says they are just friends - and over time, I believe that is what their EA became. Now, they hardly talk - it still feels like a threat to me. However, if my marriage is strong and if we are both happy together, then I believe that is the only insurance. Also, making a demand that he stop contact was a hugh LB.

I don't know the answer here, but continued contact IMO, is a huge lack of respect for you and your feelings.<P>"Just friends" should give you the answer you need. WE have all been told that....<P>I would tell your S how you feel and that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and to please respect your wishes.<P>I did that months before my H had his A with OW....I could see it coming from a mile away---I asked H to not speak with OW, but he refused on the grounds that they were "JUST FRIENDS".......<P>I think you have a right to ask S to not speak with OP..<P>My opinion, Krystal

I think that with respect to no contact, if you believe in the MB principles, it shouldn't be a demand, but a condition to recovery of your M. I never demanded the no contact letter from my H, but I knew (and still know) that I could not recover if he continue(s)(d) contact with the OW. ANY contact is, as Faith in Him said, a total lack of respect for you. I do NOT believe that they can be fully committed to the M when they are continuing contact with the OP. My H knew this, but continued to lie to me and contact her. It inhibited his ability to want to work on things with me. He has now (I THINK) stopped contact with OW. We are separated again, because I want time to see that contact is in fact over. The only way I will know that is if my H can continue to agree to my conditions (not demands) for our recovery. These are: continuing our individual counseling for our own issues; eventually, filling out the EN, LB, POJA, questionnaires. Without total honesty, I cannot recover. My H has yet to show me total honesty. I pray for the day when he can. Just my opinions.<P>MOM

Hi smile,<BR>I to am struggling with NO CONTACT....my H's OW works directly for him 10 to 12 hours every night....when he leaves to go to work every afternoon, it is the most hurtful pain I feel.....knowing all night they are together, before work, at work, after work, breaks, supper, on and on....this drives me NUTS!! Just today, we have had the NO CONTACT talk again...yes, I contiue to LB big time everyday because he won't go to work and fess up to his bosses that he is involved with this THING that works for him (these people have eyes!!it's not like they don't know it!!!) and tell them his marriage depends on him moving to another location and ask for an immediate transfer .... I believe most major employers deal with this type of issue far more frequently than we wish and I bet that if he told them, for the sake of his well being....they would find someplace to move him away from her....he doesn't want to mess up his record (yeah right!) I too think it is a big L buster but a necessary one....I know what pain it causes me and I am just about at the end of my tolerance level for this type of disrespectful continued treatment of me....H told me weekend before last that he was through with OW (5th 0r 6th time..) and that the fact they worked together didn't mean anything and I shouldn't let it bother me....I say, insist on NO CONTACT and LB is you have too to get him to agree to NO CONTACT......<BR>Dianne

Smile,<P>I agree with both Krystal and MoM. I am going through something on the same level that you are. You do have a right to ask S to not speak with OP! I didn't say that you have to demand it. That is what I did and WS has pushed me away for demanding it. You have to let him know about how it makes you feel when he talks to her. Ask him what OW can do or say that you can't. Jesus, your his W! You have to also find out what he is scared of. There is something that you are missing and I don't know what it is but your H knows. It will be hard but get his attention, however you have to do that without upsetting him. I have found that after sex I tend to open up and talk about things that I don't talk about other times. For him it might be different but you have to do it in a non-threating way.<P><BR>best of wishes<P>Roughneck

Have you read some of the threads on "In Recovery" about what continued contact can do and has done in many cases?<P>Having lived with ten months of continued contact and not "demanding" that it come to a complete end immediately, I could not recommend this arrangement to anyone! My H had me convinced that no contact was just "insurance" and "unreasonable in our circumstances". But his change of attitude since all contact ended has been nothing short of amazing. As far as I am concerned, any kind of contact keeps the WS from "getting it" that much longer. I realize that I was only getting the "crumbs" from H all that time; perhaps wanting the "whole loaf" is a demand, but why would I want to be so undemanding that I settle for the "crumbs"?<P>Just my two cents.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Never give up. Never, never give up.<BR>~ Winston Churchill