Hi to all, I was wondering my WH said something to me that really bothers me, he said even if he wanted to come back home he wouldn't because once he walks out the door he said he is never coming back.Would a S not come home to his family if he really wanted to because of stubborness or to keep his word or pride whatever the reason , Is this the fog talking?? I really don't understand this kind of talk. Also he has these walls up that I can't seem to pentrate won't let anybody in, I stopped trying as you know he moved out, I was just curious about certain things WS say. I am still holding on to hope that he will come back to his senses. Some things he says really bother me its very hurtful and scary. Love Sally

I think a lot of being in the 'fog' is acting out on your emotions. And we've all been in some sort of fog or another.. saying things we really didn't mean (for the long term). Once the emotions calm down, we can be more logical, or at least understand ourselves better, and THINK about what we really want.<P>What your H told you, I would bet he felt at the time (and probably still feels). But whether or not he will feel that way in the long term is unknown... even by him.<P>My H told me numerous times that he wanted a D. In fact, less than a month prior to the start of our recovery, he told me that without a doubt, getting a D was his final decision.<P>To put it bluntly hon, you're focusing on the little things that are only hurting you. Try and look at the big picture. Keep working on you. The sooner you can feel better about yourself (by being the best you you can be), the sooner you can stop over-analysing every little word or phrase your H tells you. That will lessen the pain you feel. <P>Remember.. plan A and B are for you! <P>Karen<BR>

Thanks Karen, I think your right,I am focusing on all the little things he says, I am trying to read everything he says to see if it sounds like he wants to work things out.I am trying to work on me but can't seem to get him out of my mind. He has been such a big part of my life, I hope I know how to live without him. Co-dependent thats what I am and def. need to change. Thanks Sally

My H said MANY outrageous out of character things when he was in the fog of his A. I've been mentioning some of the more hurtful things he said to me when we go to therapy now and sometimes he cant even remember saying them or says he was out of his mind at the time and doesnt mean those things at all now. For instance- he said, 'our marriage was over in his head before the A became physical' that he was 'out of love with me and counseling could never help,' that 'divorce would be less harmful to the kids than living in a house without parents who love each other' that " he didnt know if his feelings for me would come back' that he 'didnt know if he might not have an A in the future' that divorce would help me be more independent and be GOOD for me'! LOL Yes he was in HEAVY HEAVY fog and tried his best to make me so mad at him that I would divorce him to relieve his guilt. All these things he said I had never heard him say before the A- and now he sees how far fetched they ARE! I even made a list at one point because they were so outrageous it was laughable when it wasnt hurting me. I got great advice from my pastor who said to think of my H as temporarily insane! lifeismessy

Thanks lifeismessy, H has said many things like that, I will try not to let these statements bother me. love Sally

You know what...I went through that too, EACH time my husband had an affair. <P>But I am wondering now, did he really feel that way? Is that why he continues to have affairs? He would seem happy till he met a new mistress and then it would start over. <P>Now he is saying it is definitely over. We are totally incompatable and he has met the love of his life.<P>A year ago he was telling 200 people that he loved me and wrote me the most beautiful love letter.<P>What is the truth. I feel so rejected. I don't know what to believe about our marriage anymore. Was he really that unhappy?

DITTO what Topie and LifeisMessy said!<P>Time, patience, consistency....<P>Focus on yourself!!!<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Sally, I know what you mean...before H started coming out to the fog....it was like we all have said....the alien being that has taken them over is responding to everything....When my H started coming around..the morning he started out of the fog.....he went to bed when he came in from work and was the same alien being he has been for almost two years now but when he woke up that afternoon, I could tell immediately he had changed...it was kinda scary....but very welcomed....<BR>I guess what I am trying to say is that when they finally come to thier senses and it takes different ones longer time than others to snap out of the fog....it just seems to happen, like a miracle....I pray your miracle will come very soon and your H will realize his mistakes and come home to you and your family......God's blessings to you.....<BR>Dianne

Hi Sally/Debbie,<P>Well, for what's it's worth, during my H's first A he told me he'd never come home .... 13 mos later he was home.<P>WS say so many crazy things, you just can't listen to it, it will drive you nuts trying to make sense of it. They are so confused themselves that when they finally do come out of the "FOG", they themselves don't remember saying the things they've said.<P>When I experienced my H's memory lapse at the end of his first A, I thought he was deliberately acting like he didn't remember things, but he truly didn't. It's a very bizzare thing, but quite typical. Just like the rest of this A crap .... TYPICAL.<P>Jo