My H and I have been legally separated since Sept. 7. He has to pay child support for our THREE children (6, 4, and 10 months) and take care of them ALL on Tuesday and Thursday<BR>nights (my two older children stay overnight) and every other weekend (again, only my older two stay overnight). My baby is still breastfeeding and sleeps right next to me, otherwise he'd be having her overnight, too, giving her a bottle, cough syrup, teething medication (!!!!) whatever her needs would happen to be. <P>Even without the overnights, he struggles. She is a very busy and needy little gal, who loves to be entertained (and fed, diapered, and dressed). My H ALWAYS left almost everything up to me in the child-rearing dept. Oh, he loves to PLAY with our children, but I do everything else. So, have a taste of reality, Mr. Selfish!! He actually used to offer me a dollar to change dirty diapers if I happened to point out the need. I often did the changing - and didn't take the money.<P>I also get a small amount of spousal support which he told me pre-trial I'd NEVER get. The child and spousal support pays the rent, and I do child care to pay for the rest of the bills except for groceries which are happily paid for by food stamps. So, I'm doing O.K.!!!<P>Do my children feel I've abandoned them, are they angry with me? No, and they enjoy their time with their father; my daughter struggles. But, I tell myself that it's like having them with a babysitter whom I completely trust (except for the visitors that may stop by). He doesn't have the OP stay overnight or spend time with the kids.<BR>I NEED the time off - to clean, run errands, spend time with a friend. Time I always should have had prior to all of this but rarely ever did, because H is soooo selfish.<P>Yeah, I still want him back, but only because I know restored marriages based on Harley concepts are worth all of this.<P>So, rethink your opinion that you couldn't file (for SEPARATION). I am so glad I did. My H wouldn't have left without it. And he wouldn't have to be held so accountable for the time with HIS flesh and blood that HE helped bring into this world<P>Good luck and God bless!!<P><BR>

Hey Kalise,<P>I think that in principle, and in certain circumstances it would work wonders. Unfortunatley not really an option for me at this time. Let me explain.<P>Yesterday I went to MIL to seek my H (as he has run to hide behind mommy's apron). Asked him to take a walk with me to discuss some details (my options, and how they would affect his relationship with our D). We had hardly stepped off the curb before he had started hissing at me. He was just a ball of rage. Venom spilled forth. Asked him why he was so angry with me...nonsensical reply. <P>By the time we had reached the local park, he was screaming. He said that we wouldn't work out, though he still doesn't want a divorce, but couldn't elaborate on it. Asked him if he could try to discribe my feelings and the position he's left me in. He ranted on about all our discussions always being about me, and that I just couldn't get it through my thick skull that he needed time to think. Blah blah blah.<P>By the time we got back to MIL I told him that if he treated me with disrespect one more time, that i'd walk and file myself.<P>When we got inside, we decided to work on some of the practical problems. MIL works from home and was in the room the whole time. She kept quiet. So I bring up the subject of child maintenance...he tells me he'll work it out and tell me. I then tell him my idea of giving D 3 days with him, 4 days with me, and then 4 days with him, 3 days with me idea. He said that if I couldn't cope, or didn't want D and all the responsibilities it entailed, that he'd take her and that I'd be forced to pay him maintenance. I tried to explain that I wasn't saying I didn't want D, but that I was trying to find an equitable solution to sharing the responibilities, and at the same time ensuring that both parent-child relationships remained strong. He poo-poo'd the idea, saying it was the worst idea in history, that it would only confuse our D. It would not provide her with any routine or stability.<P>MIL then butted in, and boy did she give me a lecture about being unreasonable, difficult. She BLEW ME UP BIG TIME. I got up and walked out. I had an appointment to keep anyway with the social security office.<P>After the appointment, I returned to MIL house. I grabbed the stroller, collected all of my D's belongings, placed them in the nappy bag, and collected my D. All of this done without saying a word. I then proceeded to leave the house. MIL came into the garage chasing me. "where are you going?" "home" I replied. "you can't. You two still have so much to discuss...." I turned around to her (fuming at this stage) and said that I had copped enough of her sons cr*p for the last two weeks, and that it was I who kept coming back trying to work things out. She then yelled at me "You need help in coming to terms with this, Can't you see its over. No use, divorce is inevitable." I angrily reminded her that I had asked H on a number of occasions for a divorce, only to be told that he wasn't ready for that, that he wanted more time. I also pointed out that she had told me that herself on more than one occasion. H then joined us in the garage. The garage roll-a-door was open. <P>H started saying a few mean, spiteful things, and MIL joined in, blaming me for a failed marriage, and for the affair. I know that she means well, but she just can't accept the fact that it was her son that screwed up. Well, I lost it. Major love-buster I know, but I let it rip. I threw a few colourful remarks at H and then some at MIL. MIL told me not to come into her home and fight with H. And not to do it with the neighbours listening. I walked out.<P>Today, H rang and asked if he could come over to discuss things. Well, I'll be damned. He was the old H again. No anger, no venom, no sarcasm. He was respectful, and kind and thoughtful. <P>Don't get me wrong, he didn't apologise. But then again, he never does. What he did, and the way he did it today was all the apology I'm going to get. Oh well. <P>So once again I bring up the 3 day/4 day idea. I wasn't threatening, I wasn't demanding. I explained my concerns and asked him his opinion. He explained that he thought that I should go ahead and do what's best for me at this stage, and let him worry about his relationship with D, as it's his fault he won't be around as much. He said that it's up to him to make the effort, and that he will, at every opportunity. He told me to go ahead and move inter-state, and study. He even said that he might change jobs himself, and move to Queensland too. (It appears that news of the affair has already reached 2 locations in the company he and OW work at, so he might be uncomfortable staying. The 3 day/4 day plan would be if I didn't leave to study, but remain for the sole purpose of being close to him for both D and my sake.) He was being honest, and totally supportive of my needs, and accepting responsibility for his actions and their consequences. How could I remain mad?<P>I have spoken to my lawyer. She advised me only to file if we couldn't make arrangements in a civil manner. She warned that filing would probably inflame the situation. Today, while my H was in a sane state of mind, he advised me that he would never consider filing for custody, as he truely believes me to be the better parent, more patient, loving etc. And that he wants to go to counselling on his own to work his head out.<P>He also said that he's told the OW that they shouldn't see each other anymore, that he doesn't want to. He said that their relationship wouldn't work. He told her that if they still wanted the relationship in 6-12 months, then they could try, but just not now. <P>What does your H think of your arrangement? Does it impact on his lifestyle at all?<P>Wishing you well, Raenbow.

Hi Raenbow-<P>He says he is the better parent, more patient more loving. What about MORE MORAL??????<P>Affairs are WRONG no matter what!!!!!! I tried to work it out with my H before filing also. He wanted me to stop being with kids full-time, go to work full-time, and share custody. (His motivator - not wanting to pay child support. My conclusion.) Both of our H's are doing something incredibly selfish. We can only ask for their input to a certain extent. Maybe you need to take his advice and DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. And as a MOTHER, (sorry guys who may read this) I think you may have a better handle on what's best for your child, especially since your mind isn't muddled with another person. Maybe you can stay with your family for awhile. That's another version of Plan B. YOU move out with your child and belongings, go to where your family is - even better if in a different state - or considerably far from him. Go to where you have LOTS of support. You don't need to tell him you are MOVING AWAY. Just say you are going to stay with ___________ for awhile, you are not sure for how long, because you need to distance yourself from the situation. Then quietly establish residency for you and your child. All would be better off if he was to move to where you are instead of being where SHE still is. Although, it sounds like he is leaving her. Things sound like he is really considering you - he doesn't feel ready to file for divorce, he is breaking things off with her. Maybe put Plan A into FULL FORCE - the best you can give it. It may be just what he needs to bring him back.<P>Good luck - let me know. <P>God Bless.

Hi Kalise,<P>It's Raenbow. I moved to my Mom's about 4 days ago, and as I'm using her computer, I've re-registered under a different name.<P>Since I left, my H has called everyday. He has been kind, considerate and thoughtful. He is toeing the line, which he never did <I>before the affair</I>or during the affair. I don't understand this change in personality. <P>The more friendly and nice he is, the more I retreat into Plan B. I try very hard to Plan A it, but end up keeping our conversations short and to the point. No time for friendly banter. Tommorrow I'm due to see him, but am already thinking up ways, or excuses to avoid him. I'm a <I> all or nothing </I>type of gal.<P>Funny thing is, in all our conversations H never asks after our D. And yet he keeps proclaiming that she is the <B>most important </B> thing in his life. Go figure.<P>Although friendly and nice in manner, he still does not want to re-build. My best friend says that he believes that he crossed the line with me the other day at his mothers. And that he is trying everything he can to stop from blowing it (our marriage). She says that he's already decided that he wants to make a go of it (being single that is), but that if it fails he can always come running back to me. Sort of like a safety net. She says all of this based on what I've told her.<P>She then asks me if I'd take him back? How, she continues, would I feel knowing that I was second best (yet again. First it was the OW and now, second to his new found freedom)?<P>All I know is that I take each day as it comes. Can't plan too far in advance, as I just might change my mind. <P>How are you doing? Let me know.<P>All the best, Raenbow &