I had an affair over 10 years ago. My wife found out and it ended immediately. I never planned on leaving her, I have always loved her. <P>This past spring, mutual friends of ours marriage almost fell apart due to his infidelity. The wife leaned on my wife and my past came back to haunt us.<P>My wife started asking lots of questions, questions she didn't ask then. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt her, so I didn't admit to anything.<P>She fell into a depression and moved out for a while. She is back, but still has a huge wall between us. I want to get us back to where we were. She refuses. I tell her I love her and she says "yeah, right" I tell her how much she means to me and she says "If I meant so much you wouldn't have cheated on me." I feel like she is giving up on us and I don't know what to do.<P>I did give her some answers and it made everything worse. I had never admitted that I had the OW in our (old) home, but my wife kept asking so I admitted it. I wish I hadn't. I think it killed her spirit. <P>She went to counseling for a while but stopped going. She is good the kids, the dogs, the neighbors but not me. She has asked me to leave numerous times, I won't. I think she is still depressed. <P>We went to joint counseling and were told to focus on the good. I thought we were doing just that, then she slipped into her funk again and says we have a fake marraige and that she can't stand being with me. Then she starts in on the questions again. If I were to answer some of them, I'm afraid it would be the end of us.<P>What should I do?

A husband:<P>I would recommend that you tell your wife the complete and total truth. I think it would be good for the two of you to be in a marriage counseling situation that would be supportive of this approach, and also deal with helping your wife through the aftermath. If your current counselor isn't able to do this, I highly recommend using the phone counseling provided by Steve and Jenn Harley here at MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639 for appointments).<P>You won't make any progress until you've told your wife the complete truth---because she's aware that you're holding back. It may cost you the marriage, but it seems to me that NOT telling her will definitely cost you the marriage.

You are crazy to think that a BS ever gets over being betrayed. Give her a break. Would you be so forgiving if she had cheated on you. You were lucky when she did ask any questions, stop fooling yourself that you didn't ever expect the "horible" truths to surface one day.<P>Ok, after that blasting, I commend you on not continuing with the OW & fixing your M right away. Most of us hear can only dream about that "what if". Even though you cheated your W is lucky. Suggest that she join MB just to see what a good thing she really has. (I am assuming that you only had that 1 A & it ended as you said)<P><BR>Good Luck...Sorry if I sounded too harsh.<P>I am a BS who doesn't like too many WS right now.

I am a betrayed husband. I can understand your wife's feeling exactly. It is very hard to imagine why a spouse would cheat if they really loved their partner. I expected the complete truth otherwise I would have ended the marriage. Your wife deserves the complete truth no matter how much it hurts. It is impossible to live with a liar. Only if your wife cheats on you can you ever understand her feelings. I have no idea how to get over this easily myself.

I agree with the others- as a betrayed wife I have been VERY upset at my H's reluctance to come completely clean with what I need to know. Our marriage was OVER when he first had the A- now its like the WTC buildings - it needs to be completely leveled and the remains examined and hauled off before we begin to rebuild. I believe my H has been reluctant to tell me all I want to know because he wants to protect HIS feelings toward OW and also because he fears I might still leave him even though we are in marriage counseling. However it angers me and makes me trust him even LESS when he wont open up to what I want to know.Its like having a sliver that you try to take out and part of it remains so you just leave it in yet it festers. When you were having your A, you were thinking only about YOUR feelings, yet you were messing with your WIFE's life and feelings this is why she needs to find out everything she needs to know hurtful or not and you must begin over with a whole new slate. lifeismessy