I read this book and although it is good in many respects--it definitley made me think twice about separating or divorcing from my husband after admitting my affair. Anyone whose husband or wife is thinking of leaving should read it. <P>The premise is that those who do not fully resolve their marital problems before leaving will not only repeat them and be disappointed by their new marriages, but they will also live with fear and guilt for hurting those they love so much, for such selfish reasons. Including wives or husbands they supposedly "have nothing in common with" or "no connection to" their spouses anymore. They may think they can move on, but they can't - there will be sad feelings associated with hurting someone who did not deserve it. <P>After admitting my affair to my husband and telling him I was confused, I was feeling so guilty about my feelings that I just wanted to make a choice - and it was easier to choose to leave. That's what a lot of wayward spouses must think as well. I couldn't live with the damage I had done by having an affair or live with the guilt. Heck, it is hard work rebuilding a marriage...and it seemed easier just to check out and leave. But once I left (or the WS leaves their) my lover and actually tried, the marriage can get better. It is SLOW going, but worth it. It is a totally new experience and a way to grow together. The WS has to make the important decision to TRY. Only then can it work. Maybe this book will help them decide. <P>Anyway, I am so glad I found this book - it made me see that divorce is painful (I see so many people doing it here that is seems just a fact of life, but it isn't. It can be prevented). It states that divorce is not "just a little breakup," it is a real, devastating, tragic event for kids, spouses, as well as friends and family. And according to the author who has interviewed dozens of divorcees, the guilt doesn't stop after you remarry. I would agree: If I were to have left my H for my lover, I would never have let myself live it down. I hurt him for selfish reasons, unrealistic reasons, ephemral feelings of "in love." I ignored the fact that I made a promise to love him forever, and instead of going to him for help when I needed it, I just found someone else to make me feel good. That's wrong, and that's the easy way out. Marriage is a difficult relationship that requires commitment. The first commitment is fidelity no matter how the feelings change. With that, a life can be built.<P>This book made me think logically about how good my husband and I were together. And it made me see the tragic results of divorce. I did not want to become one of those statistics. And that led me to making the best decision I have ever made: staying with my husband and finding real love with him. I would never have said it would be possible, but it is. There is hope. I am in recovery and aside from a few lingering feelings of anger for myself and questions about how I could have taken such a risk, I am doing well and so is my husband. We are best friends, and are feeling love like it has never been before!<P>Just wanted to share this book which helped me. Read it with on open mind. And have WSs, like myself, read it as well if possible. Maybe it will open their eyes.
