I filed for divorce last Friday. WH has been gone 6 months and even though he still wants to act like best friends, he has done nothing to work on our marriage. He doesn't want to talk about it. He is still living with OW. <BR>He says he didn't really want to get divorced. Duh? Why move out? Within the 1st couple of months he moved out, he would make comments that he couldn't see how it would ever get better. Our marriage was over according to him and he wasn't willing to try to get back together.<P>I told him last week that I was going to file for divorce because I needed to move on with my life even though I loved him and wanted to work on things. I asked him if that is what he really wanted. He said not really, he never really wanted our marriage to fail. But he said he understood that I had to do what I had to do. Yuk!!<P>The morning of the lawyer appt I again asked if anything had changed. No answer. He does not wish to work on our marriage but he doesn't want to end it either?????????HELP!<P>Anyway, he keeps saying things to lead me on. I asked him what he wanted for his B-day next week. He said he wanted us all to go out to Red Lobster.( our family tradition for B-Days) BTW he refused to take me there on mine this past June. He also says his employer is having a "family day" on Oct 13 and he wants us to come. <P>Do I even bother to do these things with him? I'm so confused. If he doesn't want to be in my life anymore, why is he trying to keep me hanging on. <P>I wrote up a temporary agreement about how we wanted our possessions divided. This will be attached to the divorce papers he gets next week. It took me 2 days to get him to read over it and he said he agreed with everything. I'm being very fair as I want to stay in our house temporarily for the children's sake. Anyway, he kept wanting to stall this process but I told him the lawyer would proceed without it anyway, but I thought it would be fairer and just alot nicer if we came to a settlement rather than having a total stranger divide our stuff up.<P>This morning I told him that the copies were on the table to be signed (the agreement only, not divorce papers). He said, Do I have to do this today? He asked if he could take them with him to review. I said " so your girlfriend can help you look over them". He said , "you know better than that" and came over and hugged me really tight. I almost lost it then. I just wispered "Please come home" and pulled away and walked upstairs to avoid him seeing how upset I was.<P>I hate this. I never wanted this. He says OW can't offer him anything that I can't provide and that I'm still his best friend. <P>I can't take these mixed signals anymore. Now that divorce process has begun, why is he doing this??/<P>Please someone help me understand. I just don't get it.<P>PP<P><BR>

Hi PP,<P> I don't have a lot to say. Just wanted you to know that someone is reading your pain and feels bad for your situation.<P> It does sound like your H is sitting VERY high on the fence. Perhaps he doesn't know how to come down on your side. There are some stories here of people going through with divorce and then getting back together again. I can't say this will be your case. Who could? <P> Just know that we are here for you. Post often, and ask for support. This place really helps when it seems nothing else can. <P> Here is a hug for you.<P> {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{PP}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P> Good luck, and I will say a prayer that you be comforted.<P> jd

Bumping this up because I still need advice. What should I do about my H wanting to be friends but still living with OW. He hugs me occasionally but I stopped our sexual relationship when I found out about OW. <P>Someone's motto here is that all wounds will heal as long as you don't pick at them. Well, I feel like my H is picking my wounds and pouring salt in them too. <P>Since school started he has been coming by in the AM to take kids to school. He works 3rd and gets off at 7. Anyway, that means I see him everyday M - F. He simply disappears on the weekends and makes no contact. <P>Anyway, when he comes by in the AM, he is always friendly, talkative, etc. Just like nothing at all is wrong and that I'm his best buddy. I know more about his current job than I knew about his last job of 16 years. He is normally very quiet but lately he won't shut up. <P>It is very hurtful because I don't understand how we can get along so well and how comfortable we are together but he will not leave OW or even try to work on our marriage. He is quiet as a mouse if the subject of our relationship comes up.<P>This is hurting me to see him on schooldays but it is the only time he sees the kids and it does help me out in the AM's. <P>I don't know what to do. Talking to him doesn't seem to help. It just hurts me because my feelings aren't important to him. <P>Any ideas for how to stop my pain? Thanks! PP

I dont have any real good advice. The only thing I can say is you sound like you are unsure too. If you are both confused, how do you know where you are going? <P>If you want to be divorced, then procede, let your lawyer handle it, decrease contact and hugs with your H and alow yourself time to heal. If that is your choice, then quit sending him mixed messages too and move forward. <P>If you want to be married then dont get divorced! Act as if you beleive and want your marriage, plan B him if you cant take his being in the affair and seeing you any more, but dont divorce. If you want your marriage, why do you need to move on right away? You are letting him have the best of both worlds, be with you, have you meet his needs and be with the OW too, he proabaly thinks things will be the same afer your divorce.<P>I dont know if this is helpful or not, I know its a tough situation, I just know that WS are too confused to make a decision and if you are not happy with the one you are making you should reconsider it.<BR>Lora

Hi peoplepleaser. I think you should reconsider signing those divorce papers because it seems obvious that you don't want this. I think that you should consider moving on to plan B if you think that will be more effective. My H sends me mixed messages and I fall back every time. I know that I've been allowing him to have the best of both worlds and it has to stop. My H is not living with another OW not even involved as far as I can prove. Just hang in there. Maybe if you show him you are not going to allow this behavior he will come around.<BR>

Hi peoplepleaser,<BR>I think if you continue to let him come around that you are enabling him to continue to hurt your feelings with his indecision. It sounds like slow torture. Sheesh! Obviously (to me, it seems) he doesn't want to take responsibility for the divorce, for some reason... Yet all his actions point to divorce--moved out, not willing to work on the marriage, still seeing OW?<P>Who does he think he is? He can't be coming around hugging on you and being nice and then leaving you for OW expecting to be friendly?! That is not acceptable!<P>But it's like you have been accepting it and maybe he thinks he can have it that way because it has been that way for the last 6 months. Personally, I think you should stick to your guns because he has taken no steps to move back home, right? He disappears on weekends when the FAMILY would need him around for domestic support, right?<P>I don't know peoplepleaser, you have to make up your own mind, but I don't like to hear about the way he is playing with your emotions. To me, it's abusive. I'm sure he doesn't mean to be, but you don't have to be taking his scraps and leftovers just because he's your children's daddy. It's just not right. He says things he doesn't even really mean and you are trying to plan your life around his every word! I think that's why you are so confused...<P>Now, you finally make a decision and he's still doing what he has been doing to you for all these months. Not really taking steps toward home, but not accepting any responsibility for anything either!<P>I know you're hurting but it hurts when you love someone and they take your love and stomp it into the ground. They may not even realize that they are doing it, but when their gestures don't align with their words you are taking a big risk in believing anything they say OR do! I think it's a big risk to put any meaning in the hugs or even the favors. I think what he does is for the kids mostly.<P>His actions are speaking louder than his words... Let's review: hugging you, but spending weekends with OW, taking the kids to school in the a.m.'s, yet avoiding domestic responsibilities on weekends/evenings, answering your requests with conflicting statements adding to your already confused state of mind! Leading you to believe there is hope but not making any effort to move home, seek counseling or make any definite decisions?!<P>Maybe he's putting on his little act for the kids? I'm not trying to judge your husband, just going on your one side of this story and providing feedback from my point of view, is all... This is how I see it. I could be way off and I'm not trying to tell you what to do in the least.<P>If you are still in love wouldn't you want to move to a Plan B rather than divorce? Just wondering? The contact with you AND OW seems to me to be what is killing you!<P>What are you supposed to do, keep treading with your nose just barely out of the water, & pleading for his help while he stands there watching you the entire time and telling you he doesn't want to see you drown but DOING nothing about it? Girl, do what you have to do for your own survival...