(Repost of topic from In Recovery. Need more input, please.)<P>What are your feelings about telling close friends and family members about your spouse's infidelity?<P>My husband didn't want his or my parents to find out about his affair, but when I found out the extent of the affair I knew I had to have their support. Also, I felt very strongly that his parents should be told. I wasn't having some situation where I was acting weird because of what he did and being criticized and blamed by his parents. My husband understood my need to be honest about his actions, and both sets of parents have been wonderful--sympathetic to me, disappointed in my husband but willing to forgive.<P>However, none of our siblings know, which is fine with me as far as his are concerned. But it is causing me a lot of heartache that my sister is ignorant of the problem. The original idea behind not telling her (and her husband) was that this would save her from the struggle to forgive something which I know I would find practically impossible to forgive if it were her husband who was unfaithful. We do feel very protective of each other. Also, for several years our whole family (grandparents, parents and grandchildren) has rented a condo on the beach for a week each summer. This is such a wonderful time, and we all look forward to it every year. (Not to mention Christmas, Thanksgiving, July 4th when we all get together.) My parents and I are concerned that these happy family times may be over if my sister has to struggle to be around my husband.<P>I know she's as forgiving as I am, probably a lot more, but she won't have the benefit that I have of recovering with my husband. She hasn't seen him tell me how sorry he is, what an [censored] he is, while tears well up in his eyes.<P>On the other hand, I'm beginning to struggle to be around my sister myself. When I see her, about once every couple of months, I can't stop thinking about the affair. Every minute I'm thinking "Don't let on about the affair! Act naturally!" when what I want to do is not to have to act. I don't have the energy to get excited and bubbly like we usually do together. The effort of trying to be upbeat around her is so taxing that I'm beginning to not even want to be around her at all.<P>Did you tell everyone, or keep it a secret? Were your family members able to forgive? Did the infidelity destroy future family get-togethers?<P>Rose Red

I told! I am not saying that it was right, but I still told---You can get so much support from family, and I needed all the support I could get. My Mom knows a lot--she is upset with him, but continues to love him anyway. I cannot hide my feelings, except to my kids! <P>I guess do what you think is right!! My brothers, and parents continue to care for him, but I think he should have to live with the consequences, too. Matter of fact, my Mother was here when we walked in my house, and OW was here----so, everyone knows! H was supposed to be out of town----i was staying the night with the kids at their house---had to come home for an emergency----I will never forget it!<P>My opinions only!<P>Krystal<P>

At d day no ne was told for 2 months kept under raps from every one , Kids found out. After that she would not stop seeing om. I gave her the boot Her mother found out that she was out of the house she went to talk to her, w/s had no problem telling her about om. After that every body knew in her family ml loves to talk, siblings tried to talk to her, they got shot down by ws right away. By her answer to her siblings she pretty much burned 6 bridges in a matter of a week.None of their opinions are positive towards her and om , she just shrugges it off and says what do they know about relationships. Short lived support for me , tons for kids.

My H has had five A's that I know of. I told my mum about the current A...big mistake because she HATES him and keeps going off about it. I have told a few close friends and they are very supportive.<P>I haven't told HIS family, but I think they know anyway, just from the way they act...but I don't think he said anything, cos he couldn't even tell them he left me. My son had to let that one out of the bag.<P>Only one person knows the full history.<P>

I am the WS... and H did tell his parents right away. Of course this makes it very awkward for me when I am around them. They are sweet and trying to be supportive, but I just can hardly face them. I'm not sure if his siblings know or not.<P>I have talked abit to my sister... she knew of our troubles... he used to have a temper and anger problem...and she had witnessed that pretty often. My sister is helpful...however she has her own life..and I hate going to her too often.<P>I could NEVER tell my mother. (My dad passed away 3 yrs ago)....I just couldnt bare for her to know......sigh....<P>i know, i KNOW....... should have NEVER happened. I believe the fewer people that know, the better... and I'd feel that way even if HE were the WS. Because since we are working on making things better... people won't judge us, etc.<P>I talk to a few longdistance people who have gone thru similar experiences and that seems to help.......but i'm mainly reading the books, going to counsellor and talking to H... I think those are the places I need to seek most support from.<BR><P>------------------<BR>..climbing the rainbow..

I told my father only because he happened to call the night I found out about only 1 of the 4 As. I wasn't thinking clearly that night and anyone who would listen I would have talked to that night. My W wasn't too happy about the fact that I told my father, but he seems to be level headed in that area and is very forgiving...so, I reasured W that he wouldn't look at her in a bad way, besides he lives like 1500 miles away in SC, so he doesn't see us much.<P>My W was very firm on not telling my mother, who tends to look down on that type of behavior. I mead she is much more likely to not be as close to my W as before. Well, I ended up opening my big mouth to my mother, only because I did feel it nececary to tell her we were having problems. My mother called me a week later and guessed something worse than an A with a man??? I had to set her streight. My W was understanding. I didn't tell my mother to what extent though, I know she would never forgive if she knew it was 4 As.<P>W's mother is another story, she is very nosy and can't keep her mouth shut, so we both decided not to tell her. Otherwise everyone we know would know.

Rose Red,<P>Im a BS and I told both of my brothers (my parents passed away some years ago). I was initially reluctant to tell them but I'm now glad I did. They have been tremendously supportive and yet understand that if I forgive my WS that they will be expected to forgive also. The only downside is that they tend to focus on "circling the wagons", so to speak, and have not been very helpful with advice about the recovery process. I look at it this way; #1, that's the sort of thing that therapists and MB is for and #2 I would expect nothing less of them that to circle the wagons in defense of their little brother. As far as WS's family is concerned they seemed to know before I did. They have been nothing but supportive of me because they know that I love and care for their daughter. On the other hand are very disappointed in their daughter and it has been difficult for my W. My advice is that if you feel that those who love you can recover and forgive along with you then give them a chance to help.

I told my mother and my sister and, unfortunately, my sister has not forgiven my husband. She will not allow him in her house and is still furious with me for staying with him.

My father in law called his daughter a whore , told me I should divorce her , If she comes over to the house he will leave or she cant come in.

Yes, I did. Hard as it was. They became my support. Even my little one provided support for me. <P>Some became bitter but most were supportive. H did waffle so much that many gave up on his recovery. It is iffy even now. But OW has lb'd (finally lied got caught and it can't be denied). <P>You do take a risk. Something each situation and person has to weigh out. For me, I would do it again but maybe not as many details. It was painful for those very close to the problem. <P>L.<BR>

I havent told any of mine or his family. I havent even told my closest friend. I just cant do it. Everybody thinks so highly of my WS. They all will be as shocked as i was. I dont think i could handle the extra pressure of some judging both of us, him having the affair and myself staying with him when im so confused as it is. The only person that ive shared this with is my Counsellor. Im too ashamed to talk about it with anyone else. As i somehow find its a reflection on how badly i failed as a women and a wife...<P>TOS

<<<Did you tell everyone, or keep it a secret? Were your family members able to forgive? Did the infidelity destroy future family get-togethers?<P>Rose Red[/B][/QUOTE]>>>><P>Everyone knew we were separated. I told afew close friends about the A, my sister, H's sister and her H. None of the other sibs or family members knew. It would have killed my MIL and I think it would have made it much harder for my parents to forgive him. I had to have people to talk to about it though. They were all very supportive. One of the friends I told later met the OW at a party and buddied up to her fo rthe evening to be my spy lol. The OW of course had no clue that this person knew us. I should also add that to this day my H never asked who knew and I never told him. I think he would rather not know.<P><p>[This message has been edited by fairydust (edited September 27, 2001).]

To tell or not tell:<P>I think a brief history is important. D/D 01/17/01—W had PA’s with two guys (she is age 48 & two guys were 32 & 36) that were basic strangers –started 07/20/01 – W divulged lots of details & it was very lustful. I discovered an A 20 years ago & nothing was said to anyone. I knew it had to be different this time around. I was/am concerned she has SA issues. We have two couples that are close & we celebrated our 30th anniversary together over a weekend retreat I had planned. My W had involved our adult C in disputes & concerns I had with her prior to D/D and during the A's , like the way she started dressing & stopped wearing wedding ring & was looking for more & more activities that did not involve me.<P>I insisted she tell her Parents & our kids. One of the guys from our two couples friends I spoke of came to my rescue two days after D/D and he knows most of the lustful details. My W told the W of the other couple & we all agreed to not give much detail to other H of couple (I have question about this now, in fact). I sent my W home to her parents 350 miles away & my family live in same area. After a couple weeks I called my mom & intended to give her the generic version of misunderstanding, ECT., but she asked & I said my had a A with one guy. My Brother is a very strong Christian & I asked my M to tell him & that we needed their prayers. My W was crushed when I told her I told them, but I explained I just could not cover it up. My brother can seem very judgmental at times, but he sent me a heart felt email & spoke of the temptation presented to us by the devil & he & his W could be the next target. We were with them in August & they were all great!<P>I found out from one of my W’s cousins that she understood it was me that had the A 20 years ago. My W’s father is very protective & self-centered & I have a feeling he may have said her that so his daughter did not look bad; don’t know, maybe my W said it?? But 20 years ago my W knew I was not saying anything, so that gave her (or her family?) an opportunity to create her own story.<P>This may seem selfish, but in my situation I felt there was a dangerous pattern & I felt strongly that if she did not feel some consequences, there would be little deterrent the next time an opportunity for her to stray came up.<P>As it is, even with some detail about her A with two strangers and her pursuit of these guys & her past A, her father made strong suggestions to me that I was not much of a guy if I could not forgive & forget & that he had an A & his W forgave him & so forth. I just did not think it was fair for us to present the picture that she just had a momentary, little indiscretion (like how she wanted to explain it of course) & therefore I would be a swallow person to punish her, & not forgive & forget. Her Family still took that approach with me. I took her back on 02/08/01 & we're progressing, but there are struggles.<P>It is interesting to me how all this seems to get turned around at times (IMHO at least). Like the WS has destroyed the relationship as it was known to that point & seemingly has little real regards or respect for the BS feelings, yet after D/D the BS becomes the villian if they sacrifice their recovery & feelings, ect. to protect the WS feelings?! <P>I have a question along these same lines, but will create a separate post. <P>Hope this helps!<BR>Peace be with you!<BR>HH

Interesting point this:<P>My Ws girlfriends know about her A's - but the OMs W doesn't and she's also supposed to be a friend !!! My Ws sister knows, my brother and sister too but we've kept the boys and parents out of it.<P>As to my revenge A - nobody knows about this. Not even my W - when I broached the topic she said I could have 5 As, she doesn't want to know.<P>Oh yeah, then there's you lot out there you all know, which is ok for me just hope it doesn't depress you all <P>- Freddy

Faith n Him, Colfax Bear, Nina Too, Confused Mom, SEM, StillHangingInThere, Dana, Orchid, Tears of Sorrow, FairyDust, Hurrian Hoosier, Freddy---Thank you all for your help! I've come up with the following based on your stories:<P>1. Don't tell anyone who would consider the affair(s) so much their own issue that they would have protracted anger that would interfere with your own life. Likewise, don't tell anyone who couldn't forgive.<P>2. Don't tell anyone who is unable to keep a secret.<P>Especially since we just moved to another state, I wished very much to tell everyone we knew right before we left. I was angry to see our friends from church and our childrens' Christian school smiling at my husband and being so nice to him. I wanted to yell, "You think he's so nice!! You should know what a louse he is!" I wanted him to be confronted with disapproval wherever he went. Of course, that was me wanting him to be hurt by what he did, just like it hurt me. I'm mostly over that now.<P>I think I'll probably tell my sister, but try to do it in such a way that she'll have some time to think about this and get used to the idea before she has to see him again. She wouldn't fit either of the above criteria.<P>Thanks again! I knew GQII wouldn't let me down.<P>Rose Red

Here's what I just said about telling people on Terrified's post:<P>As far as my H telling people, I know that he's done it because he's seeking support. I'm not angry with him for that. He's talked to his mother and sister and brother. This is a family of talkers -- I'm sure by now the entire family knows. No way am I thinking that spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with them is a good idea.<P>He also told a crowd of his friends. Who will go home and tell their wives and girlfriends. Every year we host a big party in October for these friends. Not gonna happen this year.<P>So this is what I mean by my earlier comments. Its just so much less likely for this to work. I'd rather just walk away than face this. BS has every right in the world to talk to who they want to, tell what they want to, etc. I'm not angry about it. It just kinda shuts me down. I just feel rather alone and hopeless. And its another way for me to grow closer to OM.<P>So in conclusion, it depends on where you are in your relationship. For me, it pushed me to the other side of the fence.

I too, am one of those who have not told any family members or close friends. I fear it would create huge problems down the road. I have basically withdrawn from my family and they are not geographically close anyway at this time. H's mom is 3 blocks away and we have not said anything. The kids don't know (I don't think) I asked H if he had talked to our 15yo son and he said no. Son knows there are "problems" as I had left one Saturday--"ran away" so to speak but other than what he has gleaned from our behaviors, and we try to go for walks in the woods to ventilate about this, we have not told anyone around here. The only person I have talked to except our counselor is Orchid and my one friend from south of Chicago...over 400 miles from here as she was here at the time and has gone through much of this herself. We also live in a very small community and nothing is sacred with anyone here. (Our counselor is 45 miles away). I think my family would be too judgmental of my H and I couldn't deal with that either.<BR>Other than his mother, I am not close with his sisters or brothers so there wouldn't be any support for me there and I just wouldn't want them to be involved in judgments about it. It is often a lonely road, but I am so grateful I have found this site to ventilate on.<BR>Mikkey<BR>

Only told part of our familes. My WH's father was no help -he told my H that he should never have told me (BS) about the A. My father and his wife know, very supportive, not taking sides. One of my other girlfriends knows - needed support and prayer as A involved my now former "best friend" (OW). Did not tell my mother, she has too much of her own emotional baggage to be helpful to me. And we did not tell our siblings.<P>When I feel anger toward WH, I feel like telling EVERYONE so they will know what I'm going thru. <P>LIP

Thanks for your posts!<P>Lexxxy, I went to Terrified's thread and read that too, and as I understand it, your point is that by telling family and friends about your affair, your husband pushed you farther away. He made you less interested in working on the marriage and more interested in creating a life with the OM. Would you say this is because knowing that other people know creates such embarrassment for you that you want to escape to OM? I'm sure it does create embarrassment, but do you think this is too high a price to pay? Wouldn't returning to your husband and trying to rebuild your marriage make a judgemental person think, "Well, she's now trying to do the right thing, even if she was wrong before"? I realize it would create great stress for a WS to go around feeling like the subject of gossip, but if you leave your husband that will only increase the gossip. The only difference is that you will have run away to escape it, instead of facing it and proving your worth. I hope you won't let a bunch of wagging tongues keep you from doing what would ultimately make you glad--staying and fighting.<P>I also know that the desire to tell sometimes has roots in a desire to punish, but you say this is not your husband's case. Although at times I've felt like this about my husband's affair, I have resisted telling anyone other than my parents and a couple of close friends who we moved away from right after d-day, so he won't have to face them. At my request, my husband called and told his mother what he'd done the day after d-day. I was surprised that he was willing to accept the consequences of his actions, and this gave me hope that he had started being honest with me. So far that's been the case.<P>In fact, my husband thinks I should tell Sister because my depression when I'm with her interferes with our recovery. He even offered to tell her himself, but I don't think that's a good idea.<P>Mikkey and Love is Patient, I also so grateful for this site--if I couldn't ventilate and get support here, I would probably have had to tell every soul I ran into. Isn't it a relief to sometimes post something honest about your spouse that you wouldn't tell anyone for the world? Such as, "My husband has the emotional intelligence of a rubber plant." Whew! I feel lots better. <P>Rose Red

Rose -- yes it did push me further away. You said staying and fighting would ultimately make me glad -- I don't believe this, I don't know this. Maybe not.<P>I would much rather create a new life than forever feel critized by friends and family. I felt isolated before this happened. I felt depressed and suicidal. I just couldn't talk to anyone about my situation. Well, now there's only one person I can talk to -- OM. I'm not going to get support or friendship from any of the people H told.<P>If anything, this works more to OM's advantage because I'm more willing to walk away from my old life, and into his. One of the biggest holds H held on me was the connections and history we had as a couple. Those have all been severed.