I broke down badly tonight. The threat of his departure coupled with the reality of his affair was too overwhelming. He went looking for a comforter tonight for the new mattress and I just lost it. I know that I should have stayed quiet and accepted the fact that this is what he wants but I am SO HURT. He kept saying that he was leaving because he no longer loved me and I reminded him that he fell in love with the OP or else, he would have been gladly willing to work on our "problems". I ran to find cards dated Feb and May of 2000 indicating how much he loved me unconditionally...I asked my H how was I to know that he had been feeling unhappy for so long. Why didn't he let me in on the secret instead of writing me declarations of love. He replied, "I didn't want to raise any suspicions???!!!!" <P>He's turning everything into such a lie and I just couldn't take it. I almost fainted from the sobs. <P>What am I doing to my daughter???? I'm just so scared.

terrified -<BR>I'm here for you honey. Please take a deep breath. This is such a long and hard process. Really, he doesn't know what he is saying. Lostva, you out there? You wouldn't believe this woman's story...small town in the northeast, the WS left her for PT (long story) and yet, he came back and they are better than ever. And there are more stories out there like that, just that people get better and don't have to come back here. I'm in the middle, almost healed, but not quite. Give it time. Work on yourself, ignore him. It seems to me he is craving attention at this point. Nothing is going to be settled tonight or tomorrow... everything takes some time. Even if you decide to divorce, it takes time. Take a deep breath, and if you want to email me to either tell me to take a hike or for some support, I am here DHMinett@aol.com.<P>Prayers,<BR>Debbie<BR>

Dear T,<P><<<<hugs>>>> You are feeling dejected and rejected. But are you? Well, your H sounds angry and confused. Maybe he needs time away to comtemplate what he is really doing. This will hurt you but you will learn how to cope with this. <P>Keep posting here. We will be here for you.<BR>You are not alone. <P>Take Care,<BR>L. <P>

Hello EWO and O, Yes, I'm feeling SO ALONE, it's terrifying. I looked at back at the chain of events last year (when the EA had started) and wondered if I missed something. If I had checked his cell phone bills then, could it have made a difference to where we are now???? I trusted him so IMPLICITLY, with OUR love, OUR dreams, OUR savings...now he's mad because I'm not agreeing to telling people this is a MUTUAL decision???? Doesn't mutual imply agreement and common beliefs??? I just can't pretend that it's mutual. <P>I just can't pretend anything anymore. Sometimes I wake up and pray that this is just a terrible nightmare. <P>Sorry everyone, this is just not a good time.

Wow Terrified,<P>I did the exact same thing, My H told me our marriage had been dead for years. So I went into storage and pulled out all the cards he sent me thru the years, lots of them as recent as '99. He looked at them and said, I gave them to you because I was supposed to and I was trying at that time, but I still wasn't happy. Ughhhhhhhh!<P>I'm so sorry you're having such a terrible time. I know how you're feeling. You can make it thru this. I'll pray for you today, Terrified. <P>Love,<BR>Jo

Hi Jo, I'll need your prayers today. Thanks SO much for understanding and for posting despite the pain you have experienced. <P>Some days just seem worse than others. I'm glad I found MB and you.

No, you can't pretend, and you mustn't. I told people we had separated, and that it was wholly his choice to leave. That says a lot, without getting into personal things. <P>The only thing I have agreed to do is not tell his family about his A's. Only because I think that is his job, really I do. However, that point of view might change if he actually does decide to divorce me. I have told a few of my close friends about the A's. You need support from people who love you at this time, and to he** what H thinks about that.<P>This is a very hard time for you...the actuality of the separation is tough. But, it happened to me only twelve weeks ago, and like you I had some time to ponder his decision before he left, and this is what I decided:<P>I would NOT beg him to stay (do you really want him to be there if he really doesn't want to be?)<P>I would NOT LB the day he left (I didn't...just sat on another room while he said goodbye to kids, yes there were tears, but I could have screamed at him, begged, etc).<P>I would NOT do anything to make the leaving easier for him (ie: buy him extra toothpaste etc like I did when he was going on a business trip .<P>I would NOT kiss him goodbye...that's a friendly greeting, and I'm sorry, but if someone is leaving you, who feels friendly - he didn't ask me to anyway, just hugged me.<P>I would NOT have sex with him while he was gone (I did the first time, and I always felt disgusting - he had the gall to ask me for one more time the morning he left...I said a few choice LB phrases )<P>So, you know he is going, and it is a chance to decide on your Plan A for that day. You need to try to show him the strongest you there can be, because he is leaving, and it may be a while before you see him again. The last image he has of you should be the best you can be at that time. No dissolving into a hysterical tears thing like you just did.<P>(((((((((terrified)))))))))))))<P> I know that feeling, BTW. I'm not saying don't do it when he's gone, but just not in front of him...or your daughter. <P>Can you possibly arrange for someone to care for her that day, after her father has said goodbye to her, or even two days? I found it so extremely hard to care for my children...they saw my pain, and I will forever be sad about that.<P>Also a good friend came around and stayed with me all that day and well into the night, and brought her kids, they kept mine occupied...she ordered pizza, so everyone could eat (who wanted to) while I safely got totally sloshed on a couple of bottles of wine....a temporary thing, but I must admit, that day it DID help.<P>If you are not on anti-d's already, go and start your course before he goes. I did this, and I am sure it helped enormously. And ask the doctor about Egynol (?) something like that...it is a fast acting, temporary anti-d. You take it and it helps THAT day, not two weeks away.<P>Also, if you have the energy, try to prepare meals that you can freeze, so when it's meal time and you don't feel like cooking, at least you'll have something nutritious for your daughter. And you won't feel like cooking or eating, so make a big pot of soup now (it goes down easier) and freeze it in small portions. Or buy those one cup instant soups. That and vegemite toast got me through.<P>YES, I'm an Aussie .<P>Big hugs and love and light to you, and I know you will get through this terrible time. It is hard, but you will make it, YOU WILL!!!<P>Jacky<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Terrified:<BR><B>I ran to find cards dated Feb and May of 2000 indicating how much he loved me unconditionally...I asked my H how was I to know that he had been feeling unhappy for so long. Why didn't he let me in on the secret instead of writing me declarations of love. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm so sorry. I'm in the same boat. My moved out but claims there's no OW, just lots of them in the past. But he won't talk to me either.<P>Go to your physician and tell him what's going on. He might need to do tests, but can also prescribe meds that will help until the uncontrollable crying stops. They help you sleep, too - even when you have to take it at 2am because you can't get your mind off of "it".<P>Take a bubble bath, take a long walk - and my favorite: work a jigsaw puzzle. I can no longer read my favorite romance novels and don't have the attention for other types.<P>Good luck. I'll be listening.<P>Teresa<BR>

Hey billbailey...<P>I like jigsaws too...I went out and bought a couple of them in the early separation days, and they did really help. Then I got addicted to this site .<P>Another good suggestion, Terrified, find something that takes concentration to do, and DO it, especially for the first few HARD weeks.<P>Love and light, <P>Jacky.

Hi terrified- you may know my story- we are reconciling but my H 's affair was so involved he filed for divorce on me last April before coming to his senses. If your H is in strong EA/PA as mine was they are OBLVIOUS to your feelings and pain and all the things they promised you, notes they wrote, wedding rings etc. I could hardly BELIEVE how little those things meant to my H when he was still in the fog. As hard as this is and I know it is HARD try not to BELIEVE him that he has no feelings for you, isnt in love with you etc. He is blinded by OP right now believe me. Mine said lots of very hurtful things-some of which now he can barely recall and is ashamed and embarassed about when I talk about them in therapy now. If you cry easily like I do I really recommend taking meds- I take effexor which really help me cut down on my crying spells. I also went to LOTS of Bible studies during this time to help me stay focused and calm. I know you feel so sad that he has moved out- mine did too- but it aint over till the fat lady sings believe me! Take care- lifeismessy

I already posted to you but I just remember a good book that I read right after my H moved out last March- it was called Hope for the Separated by Gary Chapman. Its very comforting and deals with the possiblites of both if you end up reconciling or not. I really found it comforting and hope you will too,. lifeismessy

T, <P>If your H does leave, I agree with what Nina too said. Some very sound advice....except for that vegamite <BR>

It is absolutely fantastic on toast!!!!!

Hi Terrified,<P>I dont usually post here (I am on the EN). Put I have read your posts the last couple of days, and it pains me to hear such pain in your posts. My first H cheated, he had a 2 year affair, when my children were 2 & 5 years old. I felt everything you are feeling, totally alone did not want people to know in case we reconsiled family would not judge him. There were no boards or internet to go to, I thought I would die. after d-day he stayed to work on the marriage. I know alot of people here were able to "overcome" the indiscretions, and by the standards I guess I kinda did too, since I stayed another 12 years before I filed divorce...truth is the love was NEVER the same for him, the fear of being alone, of being dejected, and all the other stuff was too strong and I was "terrified" of all of it. Now dont get me wrong..I loved my XH ...but like a brother, ecause he was the father of my kids...I NEVER EVER really trusted him again (with my heart), the pain was so bad, and his job required him to be gone alot, so I think I was just protecting my heart from anymore hurt...BUT it was a very lonely 12 extra years, there is something to be said for that innocent unconditional love we have when we marry...once there is infidelity it is now a conditional love. I know the stage you are in right now..I feel it as if it were just yesterday for me, I hear the pain I felt it can consume you.. Look terrified, I dont quite understand the MB principles, BUT I really feel (and it may be a LB), but what your H is doing to you is nothing short of abusive...I feel after 6 months that it is time family and friends understand WHY your H is moving out, He is a BIG boy, and he chose to have an affair, and move out He is accountable for his actions...you have already acknowledged your part in the problems of your marriage. And I dont understand this protecting of your H, why should he be so protected while he is saying all this crap to you...IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT HE IS FEELING FOR YOU..He should have respect, and the decentcy to be kind to you for the mere fact you are the MOTHER of his daughter!!!, and does he realize the way he is treating you affects the HER??? doe he "hate his daughter too"....screw the "fog" (sorry, the children is where I draw the line on fog). Dont make excuses up for this guy when it comes to the kids. I remember my XH, his behavior went back to "going out" about 2 years after d-day (he sore no A and I believed him) but his behavior , would have placed him situations for it to accure again. I remember the thing I said to him that finally slapped him OUT OF THE FOG..no LB in my opinion you see I feel that GOD blessed me with my children, and He wanted me to protect them (it was my soul purpose for being he on earth, was to be a good mother to them)..I asked XH to move out..he looked shocked (cuz he was not cheating), I said to him " I DONT WANT MY SON TO GROW UP AND TO BE LIKE YOU, AND I DONT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO MARRY YOU" because in truth that is what we do, we marry people like our parents, in my case, my XH was opposite of everything my parents wanted I dated him to get them riled..it backfired when I got pregnant. I am still friend w XH, my children are 20 and 17 ( DS is very successful athlete and student, daughter is very talented dancer and looking at colleges)..both my children understtod when I divorced , it was hard but they were very supportive ( XH and I never fought, it was just strange). the year I divorced My son set all kind of HS records, and even broke a 18 year old all star county record, daughter graduated Jr w/ honors. I guess the point I am making is as long as you keep together, and keep the kids informed, and dont point fingers...they will turn out OK, also keep your family and friends around them and you. And by the way..it is true what I said to XH, My son has broken the heart of a wonderful young lady, by cheating...I did not lecture him, but told him that she is a person and she had the right to chose wether she wanted to be in a relationship like that. well guess what she dumped him, and 2 years later he is still tryng to get her back, I love her, and they are now looking like it could work out, since they are apply to the same law schools. Daughter heart has been broken by her boyfriend over and over, he father is out raged...I laugh at him when he scolds me for "allowing" her to have contact...I remind him that she dates what she knows..Good news is she is seeing the light..and has decided not to apply to the school he is attending ( and plays football)..My current husband has been a very good role model for her , he is a very hard working doctor, and is very support of both my kids...sorry to have gone on about my situation...I think the most important people in A are the kids, because I am dealing with that now with my kids,, and how they pick mates it is a lifelong problem, you daughter is still very young...your husband really needs to wake UP..and you need to move forward, become the woman your H fell in love with again..(is that plan B?) protect YOU...and that baby of yours...it hurts to see them in pain, when they are 16-17 and they know there BF are lying and cheating, but they think it is acceptable, cuz daddy did it...NO way.. I really did not mean to write all this...you just sound so much like I did 15 years ago...lots of huggs, and luck to you...

From my sad experience, when they want to be with OW, they say awful things to ease their guilt. My H also claimed he didn't love me when he was chasing my best friend. It took him 9 mos to 'wake up'. Now he can't believe what he did and said. I just found out the truth, that it was PA including in MY HOUSE, 2 mos ago. The affair actually happened 6 years ago and they both lied and lied until now. She did the 'woe is me thing,' claiming she did nothing wrong. Yeah, right.<P>I also found cards he wrote to prove that he loved me at one time but he didn't care at that point. Now he does but the scars are sooooo deep. <P>I pray your H will come out of this terrible fog, the pain is unbearable. Take care of yourself, are you in counseling? I hope that you are. Prayers and hugs

Yes MR, the pain is unbearable...I'm LB'ing all over the place no matter how hard I try not to. He's so ANGRY...keeps repeating that he can't wait to move out of here. He keeps saying it's over for good. There are no chances anymore. He's convinced that this is ALL OVER and I'm so TERRIFIED that he's absolutely right. He said, "what are you going to do next week when I move out and you don't know where I am at night?" This is in response to me asking where he was going when he stormed out of the house. He said, "you don't need to now anymore."<P>This hurts way too much. Help me with some direction.<P>