H is so angry that I confided to his sister that he's moving out. I didn't tell her about the A. I simply told her that H is unhappy and no longer in love. She didn't even know we were having problems. The reason I told her was because she was making SO many plans and I just couldn't bear it especially since my H has an apartment!!!<BR>He stormed out just saying, "How could you tell my sister that I'm leaving?" I calmly responded, "Because I need her to help me, our daughter and our family through this transition." <P>He's now out of control.

Exactly.. He is out of control...Try to regain your own control. Don't let him control you. I know that this is very emotional, believe me this is almost the same script I went through about a year ago when I told my BIL that my H was cheating on me. My WS was so angry that I told. Hey, I needed support from family, especially on his side, who could testify (not in court but to in-laws) about the whole history if we were to divorce. We didn't. We're hanging in there and working on it. Please don't freak that he's leaving tonight... Tomorrow or the next day could bring a revalation to him, or it could take months...not making promises. Please,read, think, work out, whatever makes you happy. Let your daughter know this has NOTHING to do with her - that you and WS just have some things to try to work out. I know you are angry. Try to think good things too.<P>I gave you my email if you want. I am always up late...<P>Debbie<BR>

HI T,<BR>I know you are angry and looking for some support. I understand your position. <BR>But I caution you to not confide in his family or friends and to be very careful who you talk to in your family. This is addressed somewhere in the MB initiation package, and maybe some kind person will help us locate the chapters.<BR>Simply said, confiding in people that will have future interactions with you and h will bite you in the butt. <P>Back up....be careful, stay calm and think things thru.<P>To your h this is a lovebuster. You shared private info about the two of you with an outside party. He feels you betrayed him.<BR>Let MB be your support, not family or close friends. <BR>((((hugs)))) cl

Sorry but I don't agree. Should you go insane, and let the people around you watch you go insane without some kind of explanation? Keeping it to yourself is like sweeping it under the rug. It is THERE. It HAPPENED. The BS should not also have to feel guilty for wanting to share their despair and get support. The support I got from my WS family meant everything to me. <BR>Why should the BS hide the WS adultery? It seems that the WS wants to shove it under the rug and not deal with it with the extended family? Especially where there are children and money issues involved, extended family can really help in this type of situation. Why shouldn't the WS be held accountable?<P>anoid as usual<BR>Debbie

He's doing what my H did, blame you to make himself look better. My H tried very hard to get me to hate him so he wouldn't have to feel badly for running off with my best friend. Unfortunately, I still remember all of the awful things he said and he doesn't remember a thing!

Thanks for all your replies. cl, I didn't tell his sister ANYTHING about the A. I actually blamed myself for many of our marriage problems and told her to support him through this transition. The fact is he's made a decision to go and I NEED LOTS OF HELP caring for my innocent 2-year old D. My SIL has a 3-year old D and the cousins are VERY CLOSE. I want to make sure that in my time of devastation, perhaps they can help me care for her. It's been six months since d-day and a year since my husband mentioned he may not be "in love with me anymore". I've stayed quiet for 12 months!!!! I've lost 20 pounds that I couldn't afford to lose....I do need HELP!

Hi Terrified,<P>When H and I separated (H's 2nd A), we discussed who and what we'd tell his SILs (only living relatives). H said "oh gawd, not again, what will we say" (LMAO). I said the truth, that you are not happy and want a separation AGAIN. H asked if I was going to tell them about OW, I said too late, one of them already knows. H was not surprised, I'm very close (or was before D) to SILs.<P>Point is Terrified, no matter what you do you LB in this situation, you can't do anything right. They feel guilty and want to hide what they're doing. They know eventually the separation will come out, but do their best to hide it for as long as they can.<P>Terrified, your in-laws were going to find out sooner or later that you're separating. It isn't your responsibility to try and hide the fact your H is leaving his family. Your H owns the separation, it's his idea and what he wanted. Why should you try and hide it. <P>Now as far as disclosure of the OW, I wouldn't say anything, altho you can be assured that it's eminant it will come out. The truth always does.<P>Take care, you'll get thru this.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 27, 2001).]

Once your H is living elsewhere, it is no longer something that you need to hide. It would be like trying to hide an elephant!<BR>Don't play into his guilt trip. Let his words roll off your back.

I would have taken the fact that he doesn't want you to announce this to friends and family as a GOOD sign that he's unsure of what will happen in the future.<P>If he was sure of what he wanted, he wouldn't care who you told.<P>My H recently "spread the news" so to speak. For me, it was a very significant step. The more people he told, the less possible it is/was for us to keep working together. I'm no longer interested in counseling or anything else about working on our relationship. I'm going to be filing soon. He cut the ties for me with friends and family, and now I'm looking forward to my new life. <P>

Dear Lex, I don't want to "spread the news." However, how can I explain his absences. His sister wanted me to plan Christmas parties...I just had to tell her that her brother was leaving me. I have no intention of telling anyone else until his departure is official which will give me no choice. <P>I know he is unsure but he has an apartment that is being paid for by our joint account. <P>Lex, you're hinting that telling his sister was a bad move but I have a 2-year old to protect. How do I do that alone?? <P>You also sound very angry with your H. He is hurting and has decided he wants the world to know. Is it wrong? Maybe, but the reality is that he still loves you very much and wants your love back yet you're not ready to profess your commitment. This little detail makes us WS's insane. <BR>Unlike your situation, I was never a WS. I loved him and only him for 18 years. <P>I love hearing from you because your advice can be very grounding. I also worry about you because you're still too angry. Don't file. Wait until your emotions calm.<BR>

"To your h this is a lovebuster. You shared private info about the two of you with an outside party. He feels you betrayed him.<BR>Let MB be your support, not family or close friends."<P>I disagree with this. In most situations the WS has "shared private info" and THEMSELVES with an outside party!! and the BS is the BETRAYED one.....<P>In my case, I told my parents what was going on two days after D-day, and the morning after my H came home drunk telling me he was moving out....at that point I was SURE my marriage was over and I wanted my family's support. Since that time I've told my youngest brother whom both I and H are very close to, my two best friends (one is my H's sister) and a neighbor/friend. I told H IF he moved out he could expect that I would tell the rest of my family and his family, because I'd be damned if I was going to cover up for his behavior. <BR>I am MUCH more comfortable around people who DO know than those who don't. I know that I don't have to pretend like everything is hunky-dory which is a lot of pressure and stress off of me. <BR>To me the BS needs to do what is best for their own self-preservation. Yes I love my WS; no, I don't want him to be miserable. But until they show you the same care, you HAVE to find support. I like this forum a lot...I've been reading it since about two weeks after my D-day...but it can't supply me with the support/hugs/love/regrouping of self-esteem I get from my "non-virtual" support group.<P>my opinion,<BR>LLL<BR>

Thanks for worrying about me T, but really I'm not angry.<P>I think that your H not wanting anyone to know is possibly for a couple of reasons. One: pretty obvious, the world is going to turn against him and he wants to avoid that at all costs.<P>Two: as long as your friends and family don't know, he could at some time return to your life together. <P>I hope thats how your H is thinking.<P><BR>As far as my H telling people, I know that he's done it because he's seeking support. I'm not angry with him for that. He's talked to his mother and sister and brother. This is a family of talkers -- I'm sure by now the entire family knows. No way am I thinking that spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with them is a good idea.<P>He also told a crowd of his friends. Who will go home and tell their wives and girlfriends. Every year we host a big party in October for these friends. Not gonna happen this year.<P>So this is what I mean by my earlier comments. Its just so much less likely for this to work. I'd rather just walk away than face this. BS has every right in the world to talk to who they want to, tell what they want to, etc. I'm not angry about it. It just kinda shuts me down. I just feel rather alone and hopeless. And its another way for me to grow closer to OM.<P>

Hi Lex, Good to hear that you're really not angry. I just came back from my individual counselling session and my C suggested that he help us with a plan of how to tell everone of the separation and what to tell them. This is probably a good idea so that my H doesn't feel alienated and alone, enough to drive him towards the OW. Interesting that my counsellor suggested a mutual front be coordinated to prevent alienation of my H...<P>Thanks to all for your support.

T -- <BR>How you let the news out has a lot to do with your perspective.<P>If you are still hopeful that your marriage will work out, and are committed to working on it, it could be a big Lovebank deposit for you to let him keep his dignity. Just make sure he knows that you're doing that for him.<P>If you are done -- no recovery....then go get your support. Tell people so that they'll all be on your side.<P><BR>Know what I mean?<P>

T,<BR>Well, I agree with most everybody that YOU have nothing to hide! You did absolutely nothing wrong by telling your SIL. When he asked, "How could you tell my sister that I am leaving?" Your only response should have been, "because you are."<BR>What is wrong with these people who cannot handle the truth. He made the decision. He ought to be grown up enough to live with it.<BR>Stick to the truth. It really will set you free.<P>------------------<BR>Reality<BR>It's not what you think

What if the truth is that I didn't know how to fulfill him sexuallly and never really got any help until now, as he puts it, when it's too late? Honestly, I'd be stupid to say that I didn't realize that he didn't feel fulfilled. I should have known but until last year before the EA went PA, he told me he loved and would love me forever, unconditionally. Now, he wants to tell the world that because I was unable to fulfill him sexually, he is leaving me. Is that the real truth? The man I married and loved for 18 years would never have left me UNLESS he loved someone else. He was fulfilled by someone else sexually and had not allowed me to touch him since. <P>Help me with your advice on what "truths" have to be told. I told him that it would be cruel to tell everyone about my sexual issues after being together 18 years. He says, "but then, everyone will truly understand that my reasons for leaving you."<P>Boy, do I need help.

Hey T,<BR>I understand where you are coming from with the questions about "truth" and just what to say to people. Also, your concerns about is what the WS says while in the midst of the fog really the truth? Probably not. But, what I meant by my post had more to do with his getting upset with you for telling his sister he is moving out. <BR>The fact of his moving is a simple truth. When he ranted about "HOW COULD YOU TELL HER...", that is when you say, "well, you are moving out." And leave it at that. There is no reason to lie about what is actually happening. He is wrong for trying to make you feel like there is.<P>About the much larger issue of why all this is happening - I do not feel you owe anybody any explanations. He is the one making these decisions. Just say something along the lines of "Apparantly, WS has had some unresolved issues for some time that he never shared with me. He has now made some decisions about our future and is acting on his impulses." Tell them if they want to know why he is leaving maybe they should ask him. <P>People will understand when they see him with OW. They will put it together and no one will think it is your fault.<P><P>------------------<BR>Reality<BR>It's not what you think

Hi Wiffle, Thanks for your insightful response. My counsellor indicated yesterday that if I do tell people that my H had some issues with me that he never shared, it will place blame on him. This will force my H into an angry fit, which in turn, as Lex warned, alienate him from his family and friend and force him into the arms of the OP. My counsellor also advised that by placing all the fault into the hands of my H, my H could become very cruel and lash out at my sexual problems (i.e. tell the world) forcing more devastation and embarassment. <P>I guess it comes back to being right or being married? I'm not sure anymore. <BR>

Just a note to you... I see you have a lot of messages here already.<P>Perhaps it's because he really wanted, hoped or thought somewhere in the back of his mind that he really didn't want the marriage to end and this to some extent makes it almost hard to back out of.<P>As the WS, shortly after DDay, my H decided to share my affair with EVERYONE - all our mutual friends, his entire family, down to the cousins. We had just started trying to work thru any of the mess and had no plans at the time of separating.<BR>His words to me were.. well, it goes with the territory.. you had an affair so of course it now becomes public information. <BR>Well, I am a VERY private individual.. I share NOTHING intimate with my family.. and believe me over the course of the years, there were times that there were problems that were hard for me to bear alone. But I refused to talk badly about him in front of our friends and family because i didn't want him to look badly or be judged in the future... I protected him and his feelings as I thought (think) a spouse should do.<P>So when he shared this with all, it was a HUGE LB for me.. one I still haven't gotten over I might add. It is one of the things that I am not sure I could ever get beyond. <BR>We've had to end all socialization with all our old mutual friends.. I couldn't bear being with them and experiencing the odd silences and knowing looks, it took all the fun out of seeing them.<P>We haven't seen the family, other than at a party or something outside the homes, since that time (over 2+ yrs). And when we did see them.. OMG.. it was just horrible! His mother now thinks I'm just the worst person on earth and believe me she is one that CAN'T hide her feelings. She now never calls me or the children, only calls her son on his private line. It's really a bad situation that we can't ever deal with as far as I can see. The family will now be forever divided from us unless I want to be subjected to snide remarks and avoided all the time.. which obviously I don't.<P>Anyway... that's my take on it.. big LB that I could never get over.

Waiting2 --<P>How does your H view telling everyone now? Does he regret it? Does he have to defend you to his family? Really sad that a grandmother would separate from her grandkids over that.<P>I see this happening in my future too. I won't be around old friends and family anymore. I don't think anyone will reject my kids. <P>