Hello...This is the first time I have posted here. I truly hope that someone can give me some advice. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have 3 children ages 14,11, and 4. Our life has been pretty near perfect until 2 years ago. Husband was away at school and got to be good friends with a younger lady. They kissed once, but talked to each other all the time and became friends. I found out...he said she meant nothing...cut ties and that was that. Two years later and I think our life is wonderful and he says...I don't know if I want to be married any more. There is no one else...he just says he is happier away from home. So he has been sleeping at the office and coming home occassionally to see the kids. He will not go to counseling...says he doesn't want someone making him feel guilty and forcing him to come home. He says he still loves me, but doesn't know if he is in love with me. He loves our kids and is a wonderful father. He will not open up...I think he is afraid to committ one way or the other. He says he does not want a divorce. He just can't be at home all the time right now. I told him I thought he was being selfish...having the best of both worlds...his freedom and getting to come home to a loving family whenever he wants. I am at a total loss here. Do I let him keep coming home whenever he wants...I feel like he is using us. Or do I tell him unitl he is willing to make a decision he should stay away from us. I'm trying to be understanding...I really want to scream at him to wake up and see what all he is ruining!!! I am so confused...I really hope you all have some advice for me. I have been reading the posts for about 3 weeks now and some of you realy seem to give good advice. Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi HP,<P>Welcome to MB. <P>You need to start Plan A with your H. I would start by finding out what his top 5 ENs are and try to meet those needs. You can find the EN questionaire here on the forum. You can do a "Search" to find it, Hon.<P>I would say "yes", for now you should allow your H to come and go. It would be the Plan A thing to do. The idea your H wants to be a "cake man" is pretty typical behavior. <P>HP, I truly don't mean to raise suspicion in you or hurt you, but I have to say that I wouldn't discount that your H may very likely be having an A. If you have read SAA, it states that a high percentage of WS use the "time away" excuse to facilitate one. You may very well be the exception, and I hope you are and I apologize if I am wrong. Regardless of the reasons for separation, you should start a Plan A effort as soon as possible.<P>Good Luck, Hon.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 27, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by help_please:<BR><B>I told him I thought he was being selfish...having the best of both worlds...his freedom and getting to come home to a loving family whenever he wants!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good Morning. People with more experience on these boards will be able to offer more advice. I just wanted you to know that I share your pain - mine has moved out but refuses to talk to me or mc.<P>Hang in there. It would probably help you to talk to a professional and possibly get some meds. I'm going to see counselor this morning - and had to get up at 2am to take pill because "it" wouldn't let me go back to sleep.<P>You'll find a lot of support and advice in here. Good Luck.<P>Teresa<BR>

Hi HP,<P>You are new, so have you read up on Plan A and the love bank and Love Busters? These things are really helpful, and may give you a plan of action. <P>My H says exactly the same stuff as yours, except that he has only said he wants a divorce once, during counseling...at this point he can't even say what he wants.<P>Now I have had this experience once before, so I knew the signs of an A...so I suspected a second one. Did he say he was doing it? No, he said he needed his space. They all do this; they will not admit to an A.<P>I also hope I am wrong, but you need to be aware of what you could be dealing with. Forearmed is forewarned.<P>I have been separated for 12 weeks, and the first few are the hardest. Then it goes up and down...the roller coaster everyone talks about here. But you find a way to get through, and you do what you have to do, and especially when you have kids, you have to function, so you do.<P>I would suggest that you allow him to come home, but to try to get him to commit to a regular schedule, so that you are not caught unawares...let's face it you could be in the middle of sobbing your heart out when he walks in. And this does not present a good image.<P>You want to show him the best YOU there is whenever he comes around...attractive, wearing what he likes, smelling good, being responsive...and you just can't plan ahead if you don't know when he's coming.<P>Also, I would try really hard not to ask him if he's coming back, etc because he is clearly unwilling to talk. If you try to make him, he won't like it. Keep it general and stick to talk about the kids and business.<P>Not an easy thing to do, especially at first, bt I have been Plan A'ing for 6 months on and off, and consistently for 12 weeks more, and soon it becomes second nature to NOT do or say things you know will tick him off. In his state that is important, because he is blaming YOU in his warped little mind right now, so the idea is to make him think you weren't so bad after all.<P>Hope this helps,<P>Nina<P>PS: Don't answer if you don't want to HP, but are you from Australia or New Zealand? Just curious!<p>[This message has been edited by Nina too (edited September 27, 2001).]

Hi- I have been married 15 yrs and have 3 kids very close in age to yours. My H too wanted OUT of our marriage- on Valentines day he told me our marriage was 'over in his head' and that he was leaving me for OW. Talk about a shock! I had no idea he felt this way!!!! We are now in recovery but its been a long hard road to get there. H said his affair didnt start till after he decided to leave me but that was not truly the case- it was a huge FACTOR in his thinking process. OW was manipulative- a single coworker who convinced H she was his soulmate and that he would be better off without me. So he turned on me with anger blaming me for every last darn thing he had been mad about for years and years. We went to counseling at first but it did no good because he overemphasized all our problems and re-wrote our marital history to make it sound worse than it was. All as part of his justifying to himself why it was OK to continue his affair. Men dont usually leave a long a marriage with 3 kids unless they are involved with someone else who is strongly influencing them. My H ended up moving out for 6 wks to live at OW"s condo while lying to me about where he was staying- yet still coming home to see the kids alot. He then filed for divorce on me, then cancelled it and came to his senses and started counseling for real with me. He went thru a long withdrawal process from OW where he was confused and slept on the couch. We had no intimate life for 6 mo because OW insisted he not touch me and due to his guilt and confusion. He was having the mid life crisis of all time- ( he's 43). How old is your H? I am happy to report now though that we have been in therapy for 5 mo and our marriage will probably end up being stronger than before all this happened. Take care- lifeismessy

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! WOW! You guys are really great! I really need someone to talk to who is not directly involved in our life. My husband says there is no one else. I am going to ask one more time and see what his response is. I think he must be going through a mid life crisis even though he is only 37. He has always wanted to be young, not grow up...I just thought all men were like that!! He started going to concerts, playing the guitar and wants a Harley. I am saddened not by the fact that he wants all those things, but that he is pusing the kids and I aside in the process. I am going to try and Plan A. I am having a hard time with that because I feel cheated. Like I am always the giver and he is always the taker. I guess that is what he needs in his life right now and I am going to stand by him until he says that's it. He says he does not want a divorce. I hope I can do the right thing to make him see that our family is the most important thing. Thank you for responding!! Please continue to write. I need someone to talk to that has gone through similar stuff.

Hi everyone! I just wanted to bump this up in case any of the night time people had any advice for me!! Thanks to you all!!! I am trying to think about myself now! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

help,<P>Are you sure that you aren't living in my house??? lol---H met OW 2 yrs ago-she was going through a tough time-----ended up divorcing. My H was there as "friends".....and now look where I am.<P>I thought my M was just about perfect, too. Nope, there is NOT another woman, but I have a "friend" that I am NOT willing to give up for you...... I would be very careful about believing there is nobody else. I don't think he would leave just like that if something wasn't going on.<P>At first, i took what I could get----crumbs, scraps, etc. Anything my H was willing to throw me at the time, but that changes after a good plan A for awhile. <P>Yes it is terrible pain, and you are being "cheated", but right now that is the way it is, and will be until you know the real reason H is sleeping at the office.<P>I know that you are having a bad time, just hang in there and take care of the kids, and most importantly YOURSELF!<P>BTW, my H is 37 also.......<P>Hugs to you!<P>Krystal

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I am at such a loss with my husband. I truly believe there is no one else...although I will definately keep my eyes and ears open. On the days he doesn't come home he doesn't call, email or anything...just no show. On the days he does come home he usually sends an email asking if he can come. I want so badly to say no we are busy, but on the other hand I want to Plan A him and let him come. Today I am going to the book store. I have a lot of reading to do and I need to concentrate on me and my kids. My husband is the most wonderful man...what happened to him!?!?!??! I am feeling a little like a door mat, but feel like I have to be here for him right now. I am not quite ready to say...ok all or nothing. I am not prepared for nothing. Please continue to write. This is so helpful!!! Thank you!!!

So give it your all, girl!!!<P>I have to go to bed now, but I will check up tomorrow. <P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Welcome h_p!<P>I am also busy being a doormat. (Or stretched on the rack?)<P>This is a great place for support. <P>Doormats UNITE!<P>My advice: Be gentle! (to yourself! don't try to fix everything at once. to your kids! they REALLY don't deserve the fallout. to your WS! so you know you did the right thing.)

h_p<P>I know your post mentioned that your H won't go to counseling, but can you give that another try? Most good counselors are not there to give him a guilt trip but to listen and help him work through his thoughts and feelings.<P>It doesn't have to be a Marriage Counselor (perhaps that's what he is afraid of) but try to get him to see someone on his own...by himself...a good counselor will listen and be a good guide to get your H thru what sounds like a MLC...<P>I have been there and had the same reservations about counseling, but it truly does help...you may not get the answers you think you want but you will never really resolve any issues without help. <P>If he won't go, consider going on your own to a counselor. It will help you too...<P>Good luck <P>E

Dear HP,<P>Here is the general welcome package. Please take the time to look at it. Some have mentioned some of the tools here like the questionnaires. There are good books to read along with the phone counseling sessions for either yourself or your and your spouse. <P>If you want to give you and your marriage the best advantage, read read and read the info here. The time you invest will be worth it. You will find that you can not control your H but you can learn to better yourself and learn how to interact with your H. <P>Here is the thread: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>Next is the 5 stages of grieving, you are hurt frustrated and angry, there are more stages to go through on this journey. This really helped me and I have already shared it with 3 others tonight. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>Hope this helps. The impact on you right now is rough. Your personal reaction may cause anxiety. Learn here how to deal with that. Post your feelings here and we will try to help you. Many have been where you are and you will benefit from their voice of experience. As hard as it may be (realize we are not professionals, just normal people dealing with abnormal scenarios), the advise here is based on real life experiences. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>

Help_Please,<P>I too feel like a doormat. My WS and I have been married 12 years. I believe the A has been going on for at least a year...probably longer. My WS was also 37 when it started. I'm trying to Plan A, and am riding the coaster. There are times when I wish we had kids that I needed to focus on, and then others when I'm so glad their lives don't have to be messed up in this also. We've been going to counseling. Basically we've made no progress except that we can talk more now. The conversations follow the same vicious circle over and over though, and nothing is resolved. One minute WS is loving and the next leaving me.<BR>Hang in there...I keep telling myself 'this too shall pass'.<P>