I have a question to pose here. I know it is probably meddling, but I just feel that I want to write a letter to my H's therapist to let her know I am here, still wanting to work on the marriage, trying to listen to him and figure out what he wants/needs, the fact that his personality has done a 180 in the past 6-9 months (laid back person now screams at peopel in traffic), and the fact that not only can he not communicate with ME, but with anyone else he carea about except the OW. I don't know what it would accomplish, probably nothing. But I know that it would make me feel as if the therapist had a vision of the other side. I have never met her, he has been to her about 8 times now and I have never met her. I don't know if he really communicates with her, I don't know how he paints me. I do know she suggested he read the book "Crazy Time" which is to help and encourage people going through a divorce, but she hasn't seemed to make him explore if this is the best choice. I jsut want her to see that he is giving up someone who truly loves him and some of the things he has said to me that he may not have said to her....that he feels he "can't talk to me" (which is apparently a FEAR to talk to me and anyone he is close with except the OW who always tells him he is right and should make himself happy regardless of anyone else), that he feels he is "holding me back from doing things I want to do" because of his inability to find goals and dreams for himself, that he feels that he "can't give to me what I can give to him." He told me that there is no reason to have goals, life will just hand you what it wants so you should just take that....I mean come on, at some point you have to shape your world a bit yourself or you will just drift aimlessly through life with no pleasure. He told me that if "marriage is this rollercoaster of good times and bad, I don't want it....it's too hard." <P>I know everyone will probably tell me NOT to write it, but 1) I don't see her sharing that I wrote it with him, and 2) could it really hurt? The least she would do is ignore it.<P>Some advice, I just feel like she doesn't know me, and doesn't know how much I lvoe him, and if she did, she may be more encouraging to him to explore the marriage, because he hasn't tried to fix ANYTHING since this all came out, just gave up without a fight, says it won't work, it's too hard, I don't want to try. And this from a man who has always beleived that marriage was a serious, sacred union and has shook his head at other couples that they "gave up too soon."<P>BTW, all the quotes were actual words from his mouth.<P>All advice welcome! And thanks!

BJ,<P>it's me again - sorry <P>BJ, slow down a little. Take a look at what you're saying and wanting to do. On the one side, you're proud that he's getting his life under control. You also want to give him time and space. You also admit that you try to fix him and find a solution for everything.<P>If you write to his counsellor you'll be doing the opposite of what you want to achieve. You'll be fixing him again and you'll be trying to solve his problem.<P>take care of yourself, and slow down <P>- Freddy

Thanks again Freddy-<P>I just feel a wave of hopelessness right now. That he is cutting off absolutely anyone who wants him to explore his decision more. And I am very miffed that his counsellor recommended that book. If that is the only book he is reading, if that is the only thing he is hearing, if that is it, then how will he ever return to me.<P>And I really don't think I can bear that. I know I can move on, I know that life will get better, but there will always be that nagging that it COULD HAVE worked if only I had done something different, if only he had tried, if only everything...... <P>AHHH, now I feel like crawling under my desk for the rest of the day, and I have work to do too! I just don't understand what is wrong here, I can tell that he has feelings for me, it's in his hug, it's in the pain in his eyes. He doesn't want to do this, but for some reason he is.<P>Sorry, fell into the pit again...I don't know if I would rather not feel anything and walk away or not, might be easier at this moment even though I know it will never happen, I won't stop loving him, I can't.

BJ,<P>why don't you buy a copy of His Needs Her Needs for him. Send it to him with a nice card and say something like you'd like to explore it with him. Then he's got a choice to work with.<P>As to feeling helpless - we all feel that and we all have to fight it. It's a gremlin. Sits on your left shoulder and naws away - I know these feelings only too well. If these little tikes are getting to you come on here and let us know - we'll help <P>- Freddy

Would buying the book and sending it to him be pressure? If he wants time and space he wants it from me fixing things....would that be trying to fix things or trying to help him? As a friend I would do that for my friend, and I want to be his friend as well as his wife.<P>I just am so confused, I need to give him time and space, but what is TOO MUCH time and space. I need to still let him know I care and am open to him anytime.

BJ, writing a letter to the therapist might not be a good idea. Doing something behind his back like that would probably be a big LB.<P>Have you offered to go to a therapy session with him? Do you know if his therapist ever suggested that he ask you to come to one? Mine strongly encouraged me to get my WH to come to one. My WH wasn't interested in coming for MC, but just to help me by explaining to the therapist what was wrong with me. His other interest in coming was to find out how I'd been painting him during my sessions. And he found out that I hadn't been spending all my time complaining about how crummy he is and that I really was focusing mainly on getting to the root of my problems.<P>As for OW being so supportive of him, that's that nature of the beast. She's going to tell him whatever she thinks he wants to hear and say it in whatever manipulative way she can to destroy your M. OW is telling my WH that his happiness is what is important and that our M is so horrible that he should remove himself from the situation for his own sake.

I have thought about asking himif I could attend a session. I am afraid to ask, afraid if it would be stepping on his toes, afraid of being rejected, afraid of him freaking out because I haven't accepted the fact that he wants a divorce (hard to accept the fact when in all apperances it looks like he was forced to make a decision -- I told him I couldn't handle him and the OW, one of my close friends, even if they were only friends -- and said that he loves both of us, but can't stop talking to her so he is choosing divorce). I won't accept that, I will still try to work for the marriage. <P>Maybe I will try to feel him out if he ever starts to communicate again, right now I am at a very long arms length. He did say a few weeks ago that he wanted to take a break from BOTH of us, to figure himself out. I know he is taking abreak from me right now, and I hope he is from her. Last I knew he was not. But he was nice for a few days and is now back to crabby and annoying, so maybe he is NOT communicating with her and is ina bit of Withdrawl...we can all dream right?? <P>So the point of the post is...I have thought about asking him if I could come, but scared. Maybe the right time will pop up soon and I will see it, until then I don;t know if I want to try that, it could be a good thing, or it could be a major LB right now. I wish I kenw what were LB's for him or not....I feel like I am walking on tiptoes all the time.<P>Thanks for your advice, I am not doing the letter...at least for now