First time posting... I have been reading material and posts on this site for weeks now... it has helped greatly but I have not found a situation that I can totally relate to my own situation, only bits and pieces. Here goes....<P>W and I have been together 13 years and married for nearly 10, we have 2 kids (7 girl and 3 boy). I have a very good income and we live well in a very tight community where everybody knows everybody and gossip is king if you can get the picture.<P>We met in our early 20s when we were both coming down off the partying years... We always got along great but I was never crazy in love with her (sounds terrible) but we had a good relationship and I cared about her very much. However, she was very in love with me... I was THE ONE. We even broke up a few times but ended up back together somehow. We agreed to get married and all the arrangements were made for a big wedding but we called it off a month before the ceremony because we both knew I had doubts (very cold feet)... not to mention some guilt for messing around while we were broke up which she does not know about. Again, we patched things up and ended up married about 8 months later.<P>I have always put alot of effort into my work, even when I was young, and I think it was easier for me to have someone always there and comfortable then to be single and looking again (again, sounds awful)... I knew in my heart that one day I would pay for being dishonest about my true feelings. I think she knew too. But there was the hope that eventually I would "come around" and be the man of her dreams... did not happen.<P>3-4 married years later it came to a head and we almost seperated... Our families strongly intervened (both families strong conserative Christians) and helped us work things out and shortly after she was pregnant with our first child.. This certainly helped and we had several good years working hard and raising our daughter.. Again, things came to head about 7 years in and almost the same story applies... family, some counseling, and a son. We forged ahead.<P>So here we are again with the same unresolved issues, only now much more complicated. I have had 2 short affairs that she knows nothing about yet. The first one was a fling with an old girlfriend (my first love)... that was purely physical. We were together 2 times during a few week period. Nothing after that. This was about 2 years ago. I felt awful for a long time about it but knew/thought I could never tell my W. I really buried myself in my work ever since... Then this summer, things went downhill again and I knew this was going to be a bad one. We moved away from family earlier in the year and I started a new postion. Thought this would help.. new house, friends.. just each other, etc... It didn't. I started flirting aroung on the Internet and met someone that was in a very similar situation as my own.. It was a great feeling. We got along sooooo well. I knew I was digging a huge grave for myself but could not stop.... We met a few times and things did get physical. I ended the relationship soon after because I knew it would only cloud judgement further. Luckily we were able to part friends and have not talked since though I would like to.<P>I really hate myself for what I have done and think there is no way I should tell my W about it. I have heard both sides of this argument and think it would only crush and destroy all of us. Financially, emotionally, etc.. If I felt strongly that I wanted to stay married to her, I believe I would have to tell her the truth because I know I will never have a good relationship otherwise. This site has help me with that.<P>Really not sure what to do or how I feel to be honest. I hate to loose all we have built but I do not feel she can or will ever be "THE ONE" for me....<P>The fog had not settled in on me, the freakin cloud has!<P>Any and all perspective/advise is welcome... let me have it!<P>

first of all <BR>welcome to MB!<BR>remember that just because your exact situation isnt posted does not mean you cant bennefit from this site<P>i am a BS so my opinion might not be the best for you but i am going to give it anyhow <P>you say that your wife isnt THE ONE.... ut what exactly are your feeling for her?<BR>i think you do love her and just havent really realized it yet.<BR>why do i see it as such ?<P>you did marry her 13 years ago ( you had to have felt something)<BR>you feel guilt over these affairs.<P>and you came here for help<P>all i can offer in words of wisdom is keep coming here. this site helps you sort out yourself as well as your marriage.<BR>good luck

My question is this...what are you looking for from marriage? My take on marriage is that it is a union where you work toward common goals, a union where you know each other and care deeply about each other, a union where the other person's happiness is important to you. It is a commitment and a promise, that is the concept of marriage. Not to remain because it feels right, but to remain because you decided to you love this person and create a life with them.<P>Your story seems the typical marriage, in the past and barring this convenience we call divorce, now. You go through good periods, you hit rocks, you work through, you go through another good period, you hit rocks again. Everything I have heard from couples that have been married for ages is that this is normal, it happens, you just trust that the decision you made was right, the life you are living is right and you stay because you love the other person. THE ONE or not, you made a choice to marry her, you made the commitment, you made it for a reason....did you settle? No one really settles, they make choices. You chose her...think back to why? There were qualities about her you wanted in a mate...what were they?<P>There are times when I think the "what ifs," but then I look at it this way...I have a good life, I love my husband, if I give this all up, to chase something that may not exist, what does that say about me, my commitment to marriage, my love for my spouse? So I stay, and the feeling passes, and may resurface later, but in the end I know it will be right.<P>No relationship is going to be right all the time. THE ONE may annoy the crap out of you, many people love each other, but can't live together. <P>So I guess what I am saying is that there was a reason you are with your wife. And she loves you...love is very important. You need to feel you deserve this love. I ahve only read bits and peices of it, but you might want to take a look at "Surrendering to Marriage." I have heard that it speaks volumes of wisdom, and heard this from long married couples.<P>Of course, I do want to let you know that I am speaking from the perspective of a spouse who has been left, by a husband who feels (at this time because he hasn't been gone long) that he can find a deeper relationship out there with his soulmate. I can see that he refuses to let me love him, refuses to let me sacrifice for him, refuses to allow himself to fully love me. I feel that it is there, I have seen it before in his eyes and his touch...he is running from it, scared to let go of the "what ifs." <P>Just make sure you are sure before you let them (the "what ifs") ruin something with someone who truly loves you. That's a big thing to give up to chase something that most people claim isn't really there, maybe at first, but after time you see that the first situation was just as good as the later.....<P>Good Luck and I pray you don't break the heart of someone you say you care about so much. It hurts, and may not be something everyone can recover from. Don't take offense, just wanted to air my view.<BR>

csinbr,<P> Hmmm, well I know you will get some quality information from others. I will only say that if you don't love your wife and can't be faithful to her...then end the marriage. <P> What you have done cannot be undone, nor does it sound like you want it to be. Decide what you want and then follow through with that. If you want your marriage then recommit to it and BE FAITHFUL to your wife. If you can't do that then don't torture her. Set her free. <P> How ever you proceed is going to be HELL on your wife. Nithing you can do to prevent that. But do not string her along. Haven't you done that long enough? Be a decent person, tell her of the As. Then either work to redpair the damage or end it. Don't give her false hope. Do whatever you can to help her through the tough times to come.<P> jd