I read this in mthhrhbard's thread to SnL and the following struck a chord:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When I was feeling so bad, I feel resentment towards W for making me stay and yeah was insensitive to her feelings by being ‘radically honest’ not with the intention to restore my marriage but simply to let her know really I didn’t want to be there. So perhaps she would just get fed up after a while and accept that things were not going to work. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>If you look at my thread "living in fear and uncertainty," you'll see that is exactly what I believe my H is doing to me...he states out lout that <B>He doesn't want to be here</B> and <B>He doesn't want it to work </B>.<P>My questions to you are these...<P>Did you and wife continue with S#X when you were home and you say didn't want to be? If so, and I know this is nosy, but was it frequently?<P>Did you talk and make plans for the future? i.e. like buying a house, getting new furniture, moving...<P>Had you broken off complete contact with OW? <P>How old are your children?<P>Did you and wife seek marital counseling?<P>Did you and wife and family go to church?<P>You sound irked that W has a close male friend now...but did you ever feel jealous about it?<P>Again, I know these are nosy questions...but your statement is so similar to what my H says...YET...<BR>We are frequently intimate. He has been taking me house hunting since d-day and is starting the preparations for buying a house, he is looking at new furniture and putting it into the budget, contact with OW seems limited...though I am practicing a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy at this time (we are not officially in recover and I wouldn't want to make a selfish demand). Our children are very young and I think he's feeling a little guilty about desiring to 'leave' them...although I told him custody would be as 50/50 as possible, marital counseling abruptly ended in June when counselor pushed him into a corner. We have been going to a new church since Mother's Day...and he seems to be renewing his faith and relationship with God...Finally, he went absolutely berserk when I told him about a male friend (VERY platonic) that invited me to go with him to visit some former co-workers...<P>Anyway...I'd be interested to see your thoughts on this...if you'd like to share them.<P>Cali<P><P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Hi Cali,<P>To answer ur questions:<P>"Did you and wife continue with S#X when you were home and you say didn't want to be? If so, and I know this is nosy, but was it frequently?"<P>Yes we had in the beginning, i thought it was something i had to do in order to try and work things out with her, you know perhaps i'll feel different. It was not because i desired to be with her. W said things like 'why don't you want to kiss me?','can i have a hug?'or 'i am ur W and u don't even want to touch me?' a lot. There was a pressure for affection and intimacy, and at the time sex was a way for those needs to be met . This was around the time when i was convinving myself that i had to try and went on for the first 4/5 mths. And no it wasn't frequent. <P><BR>"Did you talk and make plans for the future? i.e. like buying a house, getting new furniture, moving..."<P>She planned I just followed. We did move to a new house shortly after I came back. Too many bad memories. When i felt that i couldn't continue, it was weird to hear her plan for X'mas and holidays next year.<P><BR>Had you broken off complete contact with OW? <P>No physical contact with her for 8 mths, i tried to email and call her at first but she wanted me to leave her alone. Since the fallout with my W, i have started to contact her again. <P><BR>How old are your children?<P>9 and 7<P><BR>Did you and wife seek marital counseling? <P>No<P><BR>Did you and wife and family go to church?<P>No<P><BR>You sound irked that W has a close male friend now...but did you ever feel jealous about it?<P>To tell you honestly, not at all. I never was , it could be just one of her games. I am irritated if anything cause if she can easily connect to someone else then she can't be honest or serious about her feelings for me and that the last 9 months has been a total waste. Its taken a lot out of us - emotionally and financially and it wasn't neccessary. While i am happy for her, i am afraid for her and kids too. I hope she is careful and knows what she is doing, thats all. Whats weird is the presence of another man with my kids . But its normal i think.<P><BR>Most WS struggle with themselves constantly whether they should stay or leave. The kids were the main reason that i came back and try. Even at the breaking point recently, i amost felt like i couldn't do it, to dissapoint them like this. But Cali there was really nothing there, we were semi-separated for over 2 years. There was no connection at all and i couldn't be intimate with her. It was one of the triggers for the recent fall out infact. What if one day ur H doesn't want to have sex with you anymore? What would you do? I don't know what the BS wants sometimes, how can we give you when we don't have i.e emotions & feelings, its hard. It's different when we realise what a mistake the affair was and pledge ourselves to recovery like some of the WS in here. Yeah sometimes to us, being these is good enough, we came back didn't we. Maybe you would not be able to understand how hard it can be for us to stay, to try,the sacrifice we made, the constant struggle with our hearts. She said that if this is not what u wanted why did u not break it off then? DDay- 9 months ago? She probably forgotten the stuff she said to me, how she was, the threats, the persuasian etc. Perhaps the feeling can return, like JDmac's story aout his uncle, but what if you have to wait 20 to 30 years for that and in between live like this. Does it prove anything if u waited that long. How long will you want to wait? <P>I am sorry Cali , I have gone a bit off track with you here.<BR>Hang in there i suppose. I don't know what to make out of him being jealous. Is he very competitive? I was never jealous of W before but was extremely jealous of OW. Almost like i don't want any man to have or know what i had, i am so selfish with her love, don't want anyone else to feel it. SO if ur husband went beserk when he found out about ur co worker then he may feel the same way. Don't know. Take care.<P><BR>

Thanks painforever...<P>You have actually given me hope...<P>Yes SF is frequent and he often initiates...has said it is my best connection with him...said SF with her was an afterthought...(for him....she is another story).<P>Yes, he was definitely jealous...totally blew me away...but then I had NEVER given him reason to be jealous before.<P>I am totally in love and passionate about my H...most of my fantasies involve him....<P>He is the one leading regarding a new house...I am definitely following...and he's the one talking about plans for next year...<P>DO YOU ALL SEE WHY I AM SO CONFUSED????<P>Thanks so much painforever for letting me be nosy. I appreciate your candor.<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>