Well I made it through another day I did not call WH today tried not to even think about him When I came home from work went to the basement to throw a load of laundry in and there was water every where. A pipe had started leaking and I had no idea what to do. So I had to call him and he didn't answer his phone he called me right back and said he was just leaving work and he would be right over. He came and fixed the pipe we spoke briefly and I noticed that he had the earring on that I gave him for our anniversary. He didn't wear it all last week. My youngest has ask him if he would stay for dinner and he said no that he had to go take a shower. She then looked at me and said Mommy can daddy stay for dinner? I just said no not tonight only because he said no first. She persisted and then he said no mommy didn't make enough. I didn't respond. She was just clinging to him which she hasn't done in a long time. He told the kids that he would be back later tonight after their practices. My mother then callled and ask if H was coming over tonight because she needed to ask him to explain to her how to change the oxygen on my fathers tank. I told her that I would prefer if she called because I was trying to call him as little as possible. She called back and said that he said no problem that he was coming over later and would stop by their house. What's up with him. Do I read things the wrong way. When I try and stay away or do not call he is very nice and here whenever I call. I cannot fall back into the trap again. I have to move on with my life. I cannot save our M alone and he seems as though he is not willing to help at this point. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.<BR>c

It's a dance.<P>They pull away and you draw near. <BR>You pull away and they draw near.<P>The infidelity two-step?<P>The marriage waltz?<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

He's nice???<BR>Thats your problem???<P>Unless of course you take that to mean that he made a huge mistake and wants you back and everything will be wonderful in the future.<P>A WS can't just be nice huh? It has secret hidden meanings?<P>

Cybil,<BR>Being nice, or doing a specific thing or favor can also be a way to deal with guilt. After all, if he's being nice and doing the once in awhile chores/emergencies he can't be all bad...right? And sometimes, a WS feels bad because they really do still love their spouse, or miss them, or want to be where they vowed to be, so they make the gesture to make that instance ok...and then put the distance back in place...confusing the BS.<P>My H & I did that dance, over and over, until we both were exhausted. You can Plan A and set boundaries at the same time, like he needs to call before coming over, he doesn't eat (or sleep!) with you unless you've invited him over to do so, he has regular visitation with the kids, preferably he takes them somewhere, but if he doesn't have a suitable place and wants to stay at your house--you can leave or stay, it's your house, your choice.<P>Try not to sway with him in that dance, but plow more straight ahead according to the goals you set, not immediate emotion. "oh he's being nice" and you draw close he pulls away or he behaves "ick" and you draw away and he pulls close. Polite, cordial, amiable, even entertaining if you can manage it. Like to the school principal. (And not the 28 year old weightlifter who just got his masters, the old duffer principal who wears shoes that look like slippers.)<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Okay here I go. first Cali......Yes I know the dance I'm starting to learn the steps quite well. <BR>Lexxxy.....what I mean when I say nice is that my H is a good guy but when I start asking questions or want to deal with our issues he's an a**. He walks out, hangs up on me, makes me feel like this whole mess is my fault. He admits that he likes being with me and the kids when he wants it so when I start to move on or try and have less contact with him he is around more or calling more. What gives with that? He can't have it both ways. I've read your posts and you've said that you never wanted to hurt your H. In the beginning it was a thrill you never expected things to go as far as they did. I'm sure if my H would open up and talk to me we could work through this either save the M or end it and still be friends but he has to be completely honest with me about everything.<BR>Lor......I'm really trying to move on with my life either with or without him. It just seems that when I start to be more independent and not as dependent on him he wants to be around more. I don't understand the logic of the WS. I definitely need to set some boundaries.