Just returned from counseling. For those of you that have followed my posts you know W and I are considering seperating. We have become pretty good friends lately and despite that we were both gravitating to a seperation. W is still in love with OM but says she is working on that. I'm tired of being emotionally involved while this is going on.<P>OK, now to the good part. During the session we held hands, talked nice, and even laughed at some of out problems. Our counselor also has private sessions with each of us. During the session we were talking about fears and expectations if we were seperated. My fears are obvious but I want W to know that she always made the right decision for her. W wants time to be away and work on things for herself but is afraid to loose me. This is the most honest and open we have ever been and it feels great. <BR>I told C and W that I see this as the shortest path and the best way for me to know if we will make it. W said that she doesn't think it's fair for me to stay in the marriage while this is going on and thinks I have just about had it. C told her that he thought I could give her a commitment to be faithful while she worked this out. W asked how that could be fair. C said love is not fair and it hasn't been but he thinks that I could do this. Now nobody came right out and said it but it sure seemed to me that what was implied was that W would be able to work through this anyway she saw fit while I stood on the sideline. What's even weirder is that I have looked within myself and know that I can do this for a short while (2-3 months) if I had a way to measure progress at that time. That means I'm going to have to trust my W to be truthful at the end.<P>Before you bash on my C you should know that without him I wouldn't be here today. My M would have been over long ago and it would have ended badly. Even if M doesn't make it I think he is helping me in some way. He's has asked me do things like this in the past (knowing I might get hurt - I did) and I never knew why until months later and by that time I had really progressed as an individual. I can already see this making me a stronger person.<P>SNL, I think we should start a club for alternative thinking. I am nuts because I really think I can do this without LBing.<P><BR>Comments and suggestions please.<P><BR>who

I think you are awesome.<P>

Thanks lex,<P>Now from a WS tell me why. What is my W going to accomplish? I can see if she needs to be away from the pressure of the marriage for awhile but if she starts up with OM again what good can possibly come out of it? For her and for me? Maybe that's the problem I shouldn't expect anything. <P>We're going to talk about this tonight and I think I'm going to tell her that she can have and do anything she wants without worrying about me for a couple of months if she'll agree to 100% honesty about where she is at when it's over. I can't see how two months is going to do much though. Damn, this control thing.<P>Anybody, what's the difference between control and boundries?<P><BR>who

who, I think this is awesome. You can do this, and you will be the better for it in the end, regardless of what your W decides. <P>At first I thought you were giving your wife permission to go off and be with OM for a few months, and I almost flipped, but after reading it again, I realize you are just giving her the space she needs to make her own decision, if that includes OM, so be it.<P>Huh. I did that. My H was shocked that I let him go like I did. Of course, he was back with OW within a few days of soul-searching (his decree of being alone to figure things out didn't last long). Of course, in the end, I think my letting him go was one of the things that eventually led him back to me (after he realized OW for what she was worth and came back to reality)...<P>I like that idea about 100%, as long as you know the truth. That's the same thing I told my H, and oh man, did he tell me. I hated hearing that he was back with OW, but it was better than being lied to. Of course, he later lied about it going PA, but that is another story...<P>Good luck. I think your C knows what he is doing. Listen to him. You will come out of this okay. I hope and pray that your marriage does also.<P>HbH

Control is when you tell another person what they can and cannot do, and boundaries are what you will and will not accept?

Good definition of control and boundaries Marissa. <BR>who you sound happy with the outcome of your session and that's great. I'm glad to hear that things are going well. Remember anything can happen. You have grown and if you feel your counselor is helping you that's all that matters.<BR>Hang in there.<BR>C<BR>

I wanted to expand on what Marissa said a bit.<P>Control is when the OP FEELS you are manipulating / controlling their lives and the choices they make. You can be controlling w/o realizing it. The best way to avoid this is with "I" statements.<P>Ex of control: "W, we need to resolve this by the end of December or else we're getting a divorce."<P>Better way to say it: "W, I don't think I can take living this type of life much longer. I feel as though I will reach my limit by December."<P>Boundaries are what you set for YOURSELF, so that you take control of YOUR life (not your M or OP's life), and work on the things YOU want. The second statement above is setting a boundary. It lets your W know that you will not put up with this for longer than a few months. The first statement was about control, and trying to force your W to make a decision within a few months or ELSE.<P>control/boundaries are all in your head and in the way you relay your feelings to others. If you are having trouble deciding if a decision is about control or boundaries, ask yourself this:<P>1. Am I willing to go through with this, regardlesss of the actions my S may take? (yes=boundary, no=control)<BR>2. Why do I want this? What motivates me? (for myself to heal = boundary, to try and change things / to make S realize something / to try and change the way S feels = control).<P>get it?<BR>HbH

HBH,<P>No, I'm not giving my wife permission to go of and be with OM but if that'w what she chooses then I definitly move on. I think she has come out of the fog enough to see that if she goes there and is not honest about it we will have more pain down the road (and she knows it won't be to hard for me to figure out). I think C is asking me to let go, don't expect anything and give her a chance to deal with it her way. In the end no matter what happens even if W screws up again I need to forgive and not let it hurt me and ruin my friendship with her. That's the way I'm going at this anyways. <P>Marissa,<P><B>Control is when you tell another person what they can and cannot do, and boundaries are what you will and will not accept?</B><P>Sounds good to me. Why the ?.<P>Maybe I don't have a control problem but a boundry problem...hmmm....<P><BR>Thanks for the replies everyone.<P>who<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hurtbyhubby:<BR><B><BR>1. Am I willing to go through with this, regardlesss of the actions my S may take? (yes=boundary, no=control)<BR>2. Why do I want this? What motivates me? (for myself to heal = boundary, to try and change things / to make S realize something / to try and change the way S feels = control).<P>get it?<BR>HbH</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>HBH,<P>You've done this before! Actually without any coaching I started trying to think like that several months ago. I have been really confused as to the difference. I'm going to start asking myself these questions when the tough choices come up. Seems so simple.<P><BR>who<P>

One more thought.<P>I just realized that all the times I was angry at my wife I should have been angry at myself for not enforcing my boundries. <P><BR>who<P>