Yesterday my WS told me that she was at least partially committed to recovery and asked if I would be willing to enter into joint therapy based on that much. I told her at the time that I would be willing to but not unless "no contact" had been established with the OM. FYI, they are still in regular phone and e-mail contact. No decision was reached yesterday. We just said that we'd think about it overnight and talk again. We talked again tonight and now she is saying that not only is she unsure about the no contact condition but she still can't decide whether "to stay or to go" at all. She says that without a decision on those two issues she is not ready to start counseling! What in the world is happening here? One day I think that there is reason to be hopeful and the next day I'm back to "I'm not sure if I want you or not...". I realize that she is still perched high atop the fence but this back and forth is killing me. I went there tonight to re-state my position on no contact, to tell her that I will continue to Plan A with all my heart until the no contact is established. and I look forward to starting therapy as soon as no contact is estalished. Instead, I'm sent home emotionally with my tail between my legs. Holding back the LB's was really tough tonight but I managed. What whal I get next? Why in the world is she hell-bent on throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to her (me) over an A that she has admitted was for all the wrong reasons and the desire to live a lifestyle that she is afraid that maybe I won't like. Why won't she even try? We got into this situation in the first place because she wouldn't tell me what she wanted in life and now we have a chance to make it right and she might walk away again without telling me what she wants. This is killing me.

Sorry!! You don't deserve that! This is the emotional roller coaster ride of your life! Been there---still there....<P>I think she doesn't know what she wants. Confusion--the contact with the OM is probably the main reason in this. I can tell you that when my H isn't talking to OW, he is a totally different person from the one he is when he is in contact with her. <P>I don't know what advice to give you, but you will have to continue in plan A until you are ready (if it goes there) for plan B. Hopefully we all will NEVER have to go into planB, but it still is a possibility.....sad to say!<P>I hope your W realizes what a special H you are, and how lucky she is to have you.....just remember, you cannot recover from this until the OM is out of the picture for good----she has to do that. Hopefully she will!<P>Hugs and prayers, <BR>Krystal

Hi There:<P>I started to use you initial but decided not too. <P>Sorry I need more inf....are you separated? I couldn't tell from your post. If you are separated and no contact is a condition of her coming home and she is still hesitant then I don't see where counseling could hurt. Remember these A are like addictions...not easily given up....and certainly not until the WS is ready.<P>Please try to step back and see this as more your wife's problem then yours...the affair is her fault...she has to work her way out of that...the marriage and your contribution to what resulted in the A is your problem...yours and your WS. She cannot work on that until she has resolved her A problem...but you can begin the work on yourself and the marriage by yourself...in preparation for the time when she's ready. And in the process you will be giving her an incentive to make the right choices...right now she may have reasons for wanting to leave the marriage...even if they are invented reasons...you need to give her positive reasons to stay....and that takes a strong positive attitude and belief in the marriage (and yourself)...and right now that has to come from you. <P>Please review the Plan A and Plan B material until you have a firm grasp of the principles and then keep up the good work and try not to get discouraged by the ups and down of the rollercoaster. <P>Faye

StillHangin,<P>Imagine that your wife is a recovering alcoholic. She's not had her fix for a couple of hours, days or whatever, she's suffering some withdrawal symptoms but coping. Then, she gets a wiff or worse a taste of the bottle again. Bang, she's back to square one and has to start all over again.<P>In an A the OP is the drug, so an email, a telephone call or any contact puts the WS back to square one. No contact with the OP is like making your W go cold turkey. She's going through a lot of emotions and is struggling to cope. But her emotions have nothing to do with you or how she truly feels about you.<P>My suggestion is to start thinking of your W as an addict and the OP as her drug. Keep them apart and she has a chance. You can build into your Plan A a replacement drug if you want - which can be you. What is it that your W needs and is getting from the OM? Do you know?<P>StillHangin, hang in there man, you're doing great. Hold on to the thought that she wants to try it with you - get into counselling with her, spend time with her?<P>- Freddy

StillHangin,<P>just had another idea - Harley recommends that couples spend at least 15 hours a week together. This means together, no kids, no friends, no relations. Just the two of you. If you're not spending this time together then the chance of an A is high.<P>I wasn't even spending 2 hours a week with my W!!!!!! Now, we're starting to spend between 10-12 hours a week together. It's not enough but the change is doing us both a lot of good. Even though we argue, we're tallking. <P>Last night we had some time together and we avoided the bad topics and kept to neutral territory. We have a long way to go but it's better than what it was.<P>What you could do, if it's possible is make sure your Ws schedule is full of things with you. If you're spending time with her, then she can't spend it with the OM. Also, you could get her flowers, send her cards, leave her notes, send her SMSs, basically flood her life with you. <P>At first, she'll resist and say she needs space, she needs time. But that's the fog, so say fine, that's ok with you, and just keep doing your thing. Don't quit. <P>good luck,<P>- Freddy<P>

Thanks for the opinions guys. FYI, we are separated and have no kids. What my W is currently battling is an internal struggle between a lifestyle need (goals and dreams) that she feels are critically important to her self-worth versus committing to a relationship with me that she feels may stand in the way of her goals and dreams. She has said that beginning a number of years ago she began to feel that her lifestyle needs were not being met. Rather than ask for change she simply dis-connected emotionally from me and fell out of love. She has admitted as recently as today (via e-mail) that her lifestyle needs are #1 in her life. But she seems to be very uncomfortable with position. She feels selfish as well as guilty and afraid of making the choice to seek out her lifestyle dreams only to find out down the road that our love was more important. Hence the fence-sitting. She has decided that her current therapist is not right for her. I think that the decision to seek another therapist is a good one even though it will slow the process. I'm honestly not sure where the OM fits in emotionally at this point.