I posted previously about my husband, who works away from home (I see him about 1 week per 3 months) having a female friend I objected to. He refuses to cut contact with her, in spite of me repeatedly telling him how hurt and depressed it's been making me. Also, not long after meeting this girl, he turned into an evil twin. A few days ago I asked him to please only communicate via email, essentials only, as it is too stressful to hear his voice.<P>His co-worker wrote me an email. I'll reproduce part of it, and my comments after it in brackets.<P>'He did not cut it off but he switches it off as he had pressure mount over his tolerant in the past months (work and personal life). Never see any one loyal and love his wife like him. Even attemp on hooker to satisfy his basic<BR>need.' (must be talking about sex. I suspect this 'pressure' is actually his relationship with his OW. I phoned my husband straight away after reading the hooker bit, but he says he hasn't been unfaithful to me - he could be lying of course, or he tried and failed.)<P>He never put any one above you or equivalent. (oh really, what about his friend he refuses to give up, even though it's made me suicidal?)<P>But he has many friend to compensate his emptyness. He has me at work but after hour I dedicate my time for wife and kids in my sanctuary. He wanders on the cold street like an old dog with a scary appearance until exhaust and staring at the ceiling of his cheap flat until dose off. No alcohol.<BR>Nothing. I replace his carpet and ready to paint to cheer him up but he turns into vegetable from time to time.<BR>(I see, he was so lonely that he stopped phoning me months ago, and the rare occasions he did he talked about trivialities.)<P>Lucky he earn good money but god know for how long. His company thinking of chopping his position. We will know in 2 weeks time. (this co-worker always worries about losing their job, so this doesn't mean all that much)<P>On the family matter what did he do to deserve all of this lonely as a real man. (I beg your pardon, it was his choice to take this job and be away from home. He's not once suggested I move there with him. And what about me, lonely as a real woman?)<P>There are many sick wife in Sydney. Staying close to her husband and greet him every night with a warm arms and heart and without any condition for herself. Push away any temptation from other distraction until the last<BR>minute of her breath. (yeah, expect me to be a doormat. Besides, he was home with me a month ago, I greeted him with warm arms and heart and he wasn't interested in either.)<P>You are an intelligent woman to know all of this trick from day one with xxx. (Trick??)<P>With many condition you setting it up will turn your married into an end very soon. You will be surprised to sign a divorce paper from a solicitor. ('many condition'? I only asked my husband to stop seeing his friend, as it hurt me so much. I asked my husband just now on the phone if he had considered a divorce and he said 'yes'. News to me. I asked why he would divorce me, surely not just because I objected to him having this one friend? He said no, there was my behaviour lately and other things. He refused to tell me what these other things were, as he was too busy. When I asked him to phone me after work, he said he can only concentrate on work right now, and doesn't want to talk to me as I'd asked him not to phone me.)<P>As the man growing older and suffer every night. He will not tight to his burden as he will need to live for his life. You will end up in the nursing home with $$ for what. Would the poultry or fruit tree feed you. (I am disabled, and without my husband I could well end up in a nursing home)<P>My culture is a wife can not function and serve the husband and refuse to follow him any where for better or for worst then I dump that person by any mean. We do not own each other.' (this co-worker is Asian. I have not refused to follow my husband, it was a mutual decision.)<P>I am shattered. Is this the poison coming out of my husband's mouth, or going into his eager ears? I asked him why he didn't tell me about his many problems with me while he was home a month ago, instead of keeping me in the dark. He said he couldn't talk right then, too busy working. I asked him if his work was more important than our marriage, he just said he was busy. <P>Can this all be due to a fog, induced by his friend?? Oh please pray for me to get through this day, I am broken into a million bits and scared stiff of my future. This man loved me before, and now he's considering divorce but doesn't want to talk to me about it??<P>SAU

SAU,<P>It sure sounds like Fogese to me!!! I think he's gone a step further and spoken that way to the co-worker, too, or the co-worker has misinterpreted what he said, considering the English isn't very good in the email. Also, the co-worker's culture and all, he may assume things, like you SHOULD be with your H no matter what, because Asian wives would be expected to be (just a guess).<P>I'm in Melbourne, I notice you're in QLD, H is in Sydney.<P>A long way apart for you (HAHA - mine's in South Africa, so why did I say that?) Distance is distance, huh? Doesn't matter how far away they are if they're away.<P>I too have a H seriously in the fog, and cannot see what he is doing or saying. it just infuriates me that it's not okay for me to say I have to move on and get a house etc, but HE can do it, and I'm expected to be happy about it.<P>They have NO logic.<P>Out of curiosity, how old is your H? Chance of a MLC here?<P>Thinking of you...I will have a short break now, and be here again in about an hour from the posted time.<P>Take care.<P>JAcky

Thanks Jacky,<P>Yes I'm in QLD. My husband is 48, so it could be a MLC. Does that change them overnight into an evil twin though? We've been married 17 years, happy ones I'm pretty sure.<P>I'm trying to hang in, I'm so stressed I don't know what to do with myself. When I told my husband on tuesday about only email contact, I was actually starting to feel a bit better. Then I get this email from his co-worker, and I find I'm in an even bigger mess than I imagined. Stupidly, instead of following the advice to 'not do anything' I rang my husband straight away. (Also breaking my Plan B). I mean, reading about the hooker, that just drove me nuts! And the divorce bit! <P>Do you know any good internet sites about divorce rules in Oz? Would he have to pay spouse maintenance 'cause I'm disabled and unable to work? Could he take our house away from me, so I have nowhere to live? We have no children, luckily. Can you believe it, this co-worker writes about how much my husband 'loves' me, and then I'm told he's thinking of divorce (and me ending up in a nursing home)?<P>This is all such a shock, next thing you know he'll divorce me and marry the OW - who is 25, beautiful, and from an Eastern Block country. (makes me worried she's after my husband so as to become an Oz citizen by marrying him). <P>There is no comfort to be found is there, the man who always comforted me is gone.<P>SAU<P>

Hi,<P>I haven't been to this site, so I am not sure what it offers, but my dad was looking up child support there and said it was very informative. Try searching for a aite called "ScalePlus". I just haven't got to it yet...avoidance thing I suppose!<P>That bit about divorce...I would say it is an idle threat...you know, he said to co-worker, "She'd better start doing things my way or she'll get a surprise from the solicitor." <P>He has obviously presented this story in the best possible way for him...mightn't look good to his buddies if he leaves his disabled wife at home alone, so he makes up a tale of how you wouldn't come with him, and everyone feels sorry for him. <P>MLC does indeed change them from loving to hating seemingly overnight, try to look up some websites about it as they can be very good. They describe classic MLC symptoms, nearly all of which my H has shown. There is a lot of depression with it too, but men tend to hide it by refusing to talk. Most don't seek help for the condition. I have found these sites to be helpful, but i haven't bookmarked any...there are a few mentioned here somewhere. Maybe you could do a topic search here for some sites.<P>As regards to Aussie divorce laws, I have read that it doesn't matter why you are divorcing, the main aim of seeing the solicitors is to come up with a fair deal to both parties, and to make it legal. None of the stuff you can claim in America which might get you more money. However, I do know they have to provide for children who are termed dependants, you might be classed as dependant, because of your disability...but you should be able to get increases in your pensions and disability allowances if you divorce. Do you have Centrelink in QLD? They'll know all that stuff.<P>Hope that helps.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky<P>PS: Do you want to tell what is your disability? Don't worry if not, I'm probably being nosey!!!<BR>

SAU,<P>Have a look at this link, where Nomo has cut and paste a couple of MLC articles:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum5/HTML/001703.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum5/HTML/001703.html</A><P>Also this site:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.bestyears.com/midlifecrisis.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bestyears.com/midlifecrisis.htm</A> <P>and <BR> <A HREF="http://www.midlife.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.midlife.com</A> <P> <p>[This message has been edited by Nina too (edited September 28, 2001).]

Thank you for these great articles and websites. I have pasted them to read totally later. I am surely convinced my WS is in the middle of a MLC. Whew! There is a slew of information here. Thanks so much!!!!<BR>Mikkey

Dear S&U,<P>{{{hugs}}} I am sorry you are hearing such bad news. Maybe your H is too confused and is babbling to a friend also? I am sure you are wondering what the intentions are from this friend. Are you willing to correspond back with this friend? Sounds like the co-worker has invested time with your H (if what he is saying is true). If this is so and the friend is really the co-worker and not the OW impersonating a co-worker, then see if you can further identify this person's real reasons for speaking to you. <P>I am not trying to alarm you. This could be really the co-worker. Women who use men are very cunning. Did your H know who you were talking about when you told him about the e-mail? It is kind of unusual that the friend said they had to spend time with their family. Then proceeds to say that your H wanders the streets. <P>Just my thoughts. Want you to be educated and not taken advantage of. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Thank you all,<P>I will research the sites you mentioned, but I'm feeling very hopeless right now. What does understanding him do for me, he's still the evil twin and I can't get through to him. He's obviously twisting everything in his mind, helped along by his co-worker. I'm definite it IS his co-worker, it's a work email address and the OW can't use that.<BR>I don't think there's any point writing another email to the co-worker, he's obviously vicious and does not have my best interests in mind. My husband does not know about this email I was sent, I don't know if I should let him know about it either. It might just turn him even further against me, what I do know is that it won't turn him towards me. Nothing is.<P>My plan for now is to find out my rights if it comes to a divorce, so that I can prepare for the worst. I'm so stunned, my husband who always said he'd NEVER divorce, who didn't even want the word mentioned between us. Apart from that, I will do nothing but look after myself. Obviously communicating with my husband leads nowhere, except to make me more upset. So now I'm in a limbo. <P>You can probably tell I'm still not all with it, <P>SAU<BR>