GM,<P> How are you? A mutual friend told me some of your situation. We seem to be fairly close to the same point. Just wanted to say hello, how are ya?<P> jd

It's been a crazy weekend. I guess this is as good an opportunity as any to give everyone an update.<P>I have been struggling to keep up Plan A, but have been getting worse and worse, simply unable to keep on ignoring the fact that my wife is still giving her heart to another man. By last Friday, I decided it was time for Plan B. Or just to end it. ALl her promises end up being lies, and I was tired of it. My love for her has started to wane, and it scares the crap out of me. So I was driving home, crying, worrying, SO afraid, and I was going to just leave a letter on the doorstep, and then leave, and wait on the beach until she either left, or made up her mind to get her act together and stay. I was so unsure about what to do because just the night before, I read in 1 Corinthians 7:12 "... If any brother have a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away" and those words were ringing in my ears. My wife has been unfaithful, yes, and biblically, I have a right to get divorce, but should I? I was praying, and I asked God, as I approached home, to give me a sign, as to what to do. I needed his wisdom.<P>As I pull up to the house, my sign stood out at me. My wife was sitting on a chair, on the front porch, waiting for me. I couldn't just leave the letter and go. I didn't know what to do. I walked up to her, and she was so happy to see me, and wanted to kiss me and hug me, but I couldn't. I just couldn't keep pretending she wasn't giving her heart to another man.<P>I told her what I had planned. She said that she also had written a letter. And wanted to leave it on the door. I was so scared, thinking she was going to leave, but her letter just told me how much she loved and appreciated me, and was sorry for not being fair to me and promised things would change. I let her read my letter anyway, and she cried, and promised things would change. I didn't melt into her arms like I usually do, though. I stood firm, and asked her what she was going to do.<P>I could see it hit her, and she started crying again, and I told her that I was afraid she couldn't do this. She promised she could, and she wanted to. She said she knew she needed to let him go. I said "completely", she said "yes". I said I wanted an agreement, spelled out, what she was planning on doing to make sure of it. Get rid of internet, accountability, total honest, possible counseling, etc. She said she was willing to do whatever it took.<P>Well, that will remain to be seen. But then Sunday, God really spoke to me. My pastor was preaching a message that totally was beyond me. Seemed to have nothing to do with my trial and I was having a hard time focusing. Then suddenly he stopped and said that someone needed to change their focus. They had been focusing on the wrong things and needed to turn their attention to God. I was like, yeah yeah, and I opened my bible and read "He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, and how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, and how he may please his wife." It hit me like a ton of bricks. All I've cared about is making my wife happy. I mean, since the day I met her, nothing has been more important to me. Not my car, my job, my family, and certainly not God. And where have all my efforts and self-sacrifice gotten me? She isn't happy, and hasn't been faithful. Then my pastor said that these people who lose their focus, end up alone and bitter, and that is just where I am. Completely alone, without a destination or even someone to talk to. I made up my mind right then and there, that I would change my focus. <P>I've been focusing on my wife. All of my focus has been on her. I am not going to let that concern me any more. If she be pleased to dwell with me, then how do I know if she won't be saved as a result of living with me? Her sin and folly will be exposed and she will have her day, but I won't concern myself with anything but God. I need to turn my attention and cares towards him, and if she follows me, then that is what I really want, but if she doesn't, then maybe we will end up getting a divorce or who knows what? But none of that seems to matter any more. I mean, shoot, Bin Laden could end up dropping a bilogical bomb on a couple cities in the US, and I could be dead by next week. Morbid, but harsh reality. I am going to redeem the time, and try and bridge the gap I've created between God and I, while I've been reaching out to my wife.<P>I'm not saying that I am giving up on romancing her. Far from it. I will be a loving husband and continue what will be considered a stellar Plan A. But I will not accept halfheartedness from her. I can accept failure, and I know she will stumble, and I will be there to help her up, but I cannot allow her to control my life, and let my emotions be so consumed, that I forsake all these other important things in life.<P>Tonight, we are doing a POJA. This is going to be hard on her, and it kills me. I love her SO much. But I've got to make her go through this for her own happiness. She wants a happy, fulfilling marriage. And she believes she can have one with me, but doubts her ability to let go of the relationship that she has forged with this loser (sorry, can't just refer to him as a man, I am indulging in anger towards him, hehe)<P>Thanks for everyone's concern, and help through all the tough times. But I really hope that finally, we might be making our first steps towards the road of recovery <P>If anyone wants to email me, in case I don't post on here often enough (work is busy, and I am dedicating my time at home to my wife) you can reach me at aragorn747@aol.com<P>

Wow GM,<P>What a turn around. When you least expected it right? Well sounds like your priorities are settling in. There is a thing as righteous indignation but uncontrolled anger is not healthy. You know what? The OM sounds like a loser so don't waste your precious time on him. <P>You have a lot ahead of you, especially if your W means what she says. You will both need to be there for each other. Look at Sem and KS recovery but still needing encouragment both to each other and for each other. <P>I wish you well in your future. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Definitely when I least expected it. But that's how things always seem to go. Like the Sugar Ray song... "When it's over, that's the time I fall in love again"<P>Just when she realizes that this might be over, she falls in love with me again. But then I back off, and Plan A, and now she called him again yesterday. I am going to start to harp on her a bit, just because she might need it. She needs a good bit of prodding when it comes to things she doesn't want to do, so I am going to give it to her.<P>If she still can't give him up, then I've got to realize, I'm only 27, have a good job, a house, a car and a sound spiritual mind, I can find happiness again.

GM,<P> Well this seems to be a good turn of events. You know what you can expect while she goes through the withdrawal stages. <P> No contact with the OM is very important for you to get accross to her. After that things will start to improve.<P> I am praying for you GM. You have held on for this long. Don't give up now that you have seen this change in her thinking. <P> I apologize for starting this thread and not getting back to you before now. My world had turned upside down the last couple of days. I won't bore you with the details for now though.<P> jd

It's ok JDM, thanks for the concern, though. <P>I know what to expect from my wife. She's proved it to me plenty of times. I figure, by now, she's proved it to herself, as well. If she has, then she knows what she needs to do. The only question is she willing to do it?<P>She says she is, but hasn't taken action. Every time I try and sit down and have a quiet talk, she tries to avoid it. She is stalling, and it's wearing me thin. But you're right... I've come this far, it would be stupid to bail out now, when she is finally showing signs of life. But I also don't feel like she is doing this wholeheartedly. Maybe she will, and I love her enough to give her as much time as it takes to make sure she's had a chance.<P>So what's been ailin you, man? This is my thread, and I say you can barge in

Hi GM;<P>I may be the last person to comment on infidelity. I have cheated on my husband too. In fact, I did it twice. I am definitely not proud of it. I hated myself for it. All I could do was drop to my knees and beg God's forgiveness. When I took it to my husband, I can't tell you the pain I saw. He was so hurt, it was like a physical hurt. Like the pain in him effected his physical body. That tore me apart. It has been six months now, and I swore never to do that to him again. I never thought that I could hurt another person so deeply.<BR>I'm not sure why your wife cheated, but for me, it was a weak way to make up for things I didn't have in him. I tried convincing muself that I was right for doing it, but I know that there was nothing right in what I did.<BR>My husband is not a believer, he has no interest in saving himself. I reasoned that he is not very romantic at all, and he hardly ever communicates with me. Those were my reasons for cheating on him. But he loves me GM! He loves me! He is attentive, though not what I thought was romantic. He is a wonderful father to my son, though he isn't his biological father, and he does anything he can for me. (Sounds familiar GM?) <BR>The problem isn't my husband. It's me. I didn't appreciate him enough. <BR>I forgot about the days he stayed home to care for me when I had the flu. I forgot about the times he picked my son up from school just so that I could come right home. I didn't think about the times he made dinner because he thought I did too much around the house alone. I forgot about the days he came to my job (45 miles away from home) just to have lunch with me for an hour. And even though I kept saying "you're not romantic at all", he was very romantic in his own way. I found fault with him giving my a roadside emergency kit for my birthday...he just didn't want the woman he loves stranded out there alone. I complained when he gave me an umbrella for our anniversary...but he thought about how mine had ripped in a storm and I didn't replace it. He gave me a bowling ball for Christmas. I hit the roof, because I know he's the bowler between us. But he wanted me to be a part of something he likes. I nagged over the breakfast he burned, forgetting that he cooked the breakfast just so that I could have breakfast in bed. And how did I thank him? I cheated on him. I was the problem, not him.<BR>I needed to realize that I should thank God for my husband. I needed to realize that those things was his way of romance. Its not all about flowers and candy and candlelight dinners and expensive gifts.<BR>We went to the "I Still Do" conference to reaffirm our marriage and get it right (I suggest this confernce, it is bible based and annointed), and we are going to a married couples weekend seminar in November (offered by the same group that offers I Still Do, which is Family Life).<P>I love my husband for the sake of Jesus Christ. I prayed to God that he works on me and change me, so that I may love my husband like a wife should. I want to be the "Proverbs 31" wife to him. Through my actions, I hope to bring him to Christ. I'll never get him there if I do all the things I know that I shouldn't do.<P>I don't know your wife GM, but if she has never tried to put fault on you as to why she does it, then maybe she is going through what I did. Not really knowing how to appreciate what's right in front of her, and not being able to accept that she doesn't know how to appreciate you. God dealt with me on this issue in my marriage. But I never would have known any of this if I hadn't watched my husband go through what he did when I told him about it. I watched my husband with my heart, not my eyes. It was at that moment that God started replacing the love in my heart that I lost for my husband. <BR>I will pray for you GM. I'm not just saying that because I am Christian, and it's the right thing to say, I MEAN IT. I will pray for you! I pray that the Lord heals all of us on these posts, and around the country. We need Him and His love and mercy now. I will be keeping up with you.<P>Your Sister in Christ,<BR>Noni<BR>