I need some advice. A little background on our past. H had an affair about a year ago. About four months ago, he told OW he couldn't talk to her anymore or see her anymore because it was costing him his family. (I had left him for one day.) I found out two months later that he had started up talking with her again. We all three had a big discussion in which he said he chose her. The next day he changed his mind to seeing "if we could work things out". Still in Plan A, I knew he was still having contact with her. She e-mailed him a month ago ending their relationship, but still calls "every once in a while" (as far as I can see about once a week) "to see how everyone is doing". H has been telling me that he hasn't talked to her in two weeks. I don't know if he has talked to her, but I do know she has called by *69'ing the phone. I have no proof of anything so I don't know if he's hiding it again. H is telling me he loves me and has stayed out of chat rooms for two weeks (another one of our major problems). I'm to the point where I can't look at him without thinking "Is he lying to me again?" <P>Now to my question-I'm going to ask him for a no contact letter tomorrow (he's at work right now) and a commitment to our marriage. If he doesn't give me this, I'm leaving--no discussions anymore. If he decides to write a no contact letter, could someone give me something to help him in writing it. Maybe some examples or some questions I could ask in helping him write the letter???<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

Hi Dumplin,<P>Do a search on No contact letter and do it by topic. You will find a lot of info back to 2/15/00. <P>Hope it helps. If not at least the thoughts on it will give you some guidance. <P>L.

Thanks Orchid. I looked and there are alot of different examples for me to use. Hopefully, I will be showing them to him today.<P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

Help! I must not be looking correctly, I cannot locate info on no contact letters. Please include site location if possible.

The no contact letter is one that still comes from the heart and must contain heart-felt reasons why no contact must be forever. I would suggest that he write the no contact letter and show it to you before presenting it to her. This would give you an idea of 1. If he is willling to do it, 2. Where is heart is, 3. Some sence of wanting to build the relationship back. You can always show him some examples but if his is heart-felt, you wont need to.<BR>Good Luck

He refuses to write a no contact letter saying he hasn't talked to her in a month. He says it will just stir everything up again and cause her more hurt. That pissed me off. I then asked him if he would put a block on the phone blocking her number in case she ever got the urge to call since they weren't talking anyway. He also said he wants to see more change out of me before he does anymore changing. The main changes are not snooping and to quit bringing it up all the time. He initially refused, but now he's saying that I can do it. My question is-do I look at this as a good thing since I had to fight so hard to get it? Another thing--will I ever trust him without having to go behind him and check up on him? I'm tired of living like this. <P>------------------<BR>Dumplin <P>E-mail ajowens@dfa.state.ar.us

rollrbladr123,<P>Go to search, type in 'no contact letter' choose search by topic and submit. It will take a while. <P>gastonp,<BR>You are correct. These letters/words/thoughts,etc. need to come from the heart. Those excerpts out there are just that. The examples have been helpful to many especially those not prone to letter writing. <P><BR>dumplin,<BR>Your H is saying the he will not change until you show more change? Sounds like he is trying to control you like before. Hm...... think about this and be wise in your actions. Don't give in too easy. He may not see the need to stop contact if he is given his cake and can eat it too..<P>Mine sort of tried that. Mine admitted manipulation so I would ask if tha was what he was doing. This let him know that I knew what he was up to. Trying to keep his OW door open. Slam!! I closed it quickly. If he wanted that open door he could have it, right after I closed mine. <P>You could ask your H to put himself in your shoes or let him know how difficult it is for you right now. Rebuilding trust should have dual benefit. If he wants that benefit, then there is shared care that needs to be administered. Even though he may feel like he doesn't want to send the letter, if that is what you need to heal then what? On the other hand if his healing is not being reminded, then maybe you could lighten up. Is that doable?<P>L. <P>

I am a new member here but have read marriage builders and followed its plan as best as I could. I will ask you not to make the mistake I did, but this is just my opinion.<P>I forced my H to write a no contact letter. He felt that he could do that to appease me and buy himself some peace, but soon enough he contacted the OW again ( I found out months later that he was the one to initiate contact). Research no contact letters and ask for people's experience before you resort to it. It is my experience that unless he truly sees the need to end contact with the OW, he still wants both relationships to continue.<P>Good luck.

WSes know that their relationships with the OP need to end, but most of the time, they are unable to let go of those warm, fuzzy, satisfied EN's the OP provides. It's beyond an addiction. It is a primal need.<P>When they realize that they can find everything they need in you, then they will lose the desire to go to the OP for those needs.<P>My wife is also trying to keep the mindset that her no contact letter (that she is supposedly writing today) is just a temporary thing, to keep me at bay, until things cool off, so she can resume her relationship with him. But I am not accepting that. I tell her that if she is going to give me 100%, then go ahead and fulfill the promise, and turn your heart towards me, and allow me to be everything to you.<P>But so long as she holds a little place in her heart for the OM, then I plan on being hurt again, and discovering that they are maintaining contact. How long I will be able to tolerate that remains to be seen.

She will always have a place in her heart for the guy, what she does with that remains to be seen. I will always have a place in my heart for OW and it takes every ounce of strength to maintain the no contact. But, it is a commitment to wife and family that is the key. Will I have all my needs met with my wife? Probably not, would they have been met with OW? Fantacy tells me they would, but probably not. You may need to plan A or B her so that you can have piece of mind.

That's all we can do, is Plan A. Seems so helpless. I can't Plan A forever. Eventually this needs to become real, or nothing. I can't keep pretending she isn't giving her heart to another man.

You may have to set a date for plan B. The hope is that she will realize then the reality and reasons for a no contact letter that is heart felt and it wont be written just to apease you. Remember, as long as she is distant, foggy, in the ozone layer, she still is... no matter what she may tell you differently.