Hi. Really appreciate all the help I've been given since I stumbled across this site a few days ago, right when I needed it most. Thanks. <P>I need help. My H has always been very free with warmth and affection, possibly more so than me at times in the past if I be totally honest. But now, when I need it the most, he acts like I'm "in his face" all the time. Says it feels too close. I know he is withdrawing, and I should give him space, but it seems so unfair that as well as all the pain this has caused me, that I should have to deal with his rejection of me even though he says he wants to be here with me. Confusing signals!! Just words?? I could do with a warm fuzzy right now!! Please tell me how to deal with the lack of contact that goes along with withdrawal, and what it really is like for a betrayer at this time. I need to understand so I can deal with this. Thanks everyone.

When I was in early early withdrawal I felt like my H was suffocating me. It was hard for him to "leave me alone" cauz he had come so close to losing me, and I understood that, but I still needed major space.<P>Some of it is guilt, but alot of it is resentment (at least with me). I had decided to end the affair, but not because I wanted to work on my marriage ... only because I felt that was what God wanted of me -- but I didn't like it one bit ... and I let my H know that.<P>It takes some time to distance onself from the affair itself ... to "come out of the addiction" and begin to see straight.<P>My H was great at letting have that space, and it worked for us!<P>I know it's hard to be patient when YOU'RE the one that's been betrayed, but if you'll have patience and understanding during this time, you will reap the benefits. Just continue to remind him you love him and you're there if he needs to talk. And pray.<P>It WILL end!

SoSad,<BR>To us it's like a light switch has been turned off ( Emotion wise ) with our spouses to them it's been a dimmer switch that has been slowly dimming over time. That is why they found the emotional support elsewhere.<P> I'll bet you H is like my W right now. I want to hold her closer than ever and all she wants to do is push away. That hurts doesn't it? I guess over time it will get better but it's tough just sitting around waiting. What keeps me going is that it took me a lot of loving years with my W to get where we were, I can't fix this thing over night so time is my friend right now.<P>I don't know if this is a factor for you but until my W can forgive herself for this we can't move on. She is so angry and resentfull towards me because of the emotional support I'm giving her right now, Her thing is she wishes that I had been giving it to her like this before her affair. Now she is getting what she always wanted and it only took an affair to do it. See the guilt.... She will have to live with it but if I can forgive her so can she. <P>I hope this was helpfull ..... remember if it is space they want give it to them in a loving manner and don't push them. They will only go in a direction that you don't want.<P><P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Hi sosad,<P>First let me just say THANKS for your response to my "week in hell" thread. It was extremely helpful. It's amazing how similar you are to my wife and how similar I am to your husband. It's like some alternate reality or something! <P>Okay... back to you. First of all, let me just say that it is absolutely amazing to me that anyone can be so patient and wait for their spouse to come out of withdrawal. There's another woman on this forum -- dhj -- who's struggling with the same stuff as you, sosad. Search out her posts and read what she is going through and maybe you can help each other. So far, she's been very strong and I admire that. But I also understand how you feel as well. It must be terrible! It's what my wife is going through.<P>Now I've sorta turned the corner and am willing to be affectionate, etc. But my wife is the one pulling away because now she feels like the "second choice"... Ah... the tangled web we weave! <P>I guess there's one thing you can do. Since you need warm and fuzzies, try to do something good for yourself. I don't know what that would be... um, get your hair done, buy new clothes, have a nice lunch somewhere with a friend, whatever... I know it's not an adequate replacement for your husband's affections, but at least it'll make you feel better about yourself and that is important too!<P>--airheart

My H also felt like I was suffocating. The more affectionate and loving I tried to be, the more he rejected me.<P>Soooo, I started doing stuff like going out on the spur of the moment--without telling him where I was going. I often didn't do much more than ride around, but he didn't have any idea what I was up to. I had already done the makeover thing, but I continue to put extra effort into my appearance. If we go out together, I sometimes go and talk to other men--even flirt just a little (only in front of my H ). I have given him a taste of the medicine he's given me.<BR>I think the former OW did a major lovebuster by maybe making an uncomplimentary comment about my H's sexual performance to a friend of his. Anyway, my H has been far more affectionate and loving to me since the weekend. He has even handed me the TV remote to choose what I want to watch (thought I'd faint!! ). He even passed up watching TV and invited me to sit with him outside, where we just chit-chatted about this n' that for nearly an hour. That meant so much to me!! To know that he just wanted to spend time with me!<BR>And, BTW, we're no longer having any ability problems in the lovemaking department.