My Counselor says I can't just forgive and I haven't let my anger out. Its true, I haven't. I have been very good at not LB-ing. I'm quite amazed myself at that. Before all this I probably would have ranted and raved and possibly ended up in the psych unit I would have thought. <BR> The counselor says I have to work through my feelings. How do I do that? HOw do I let them come to the surface? I have always been good at burying them. Does anyone have any concrete ideas about how to go about this? She says I can't progress to healing unless I do this. Frankly, I'm scared to. If I let my feelings out, I think I would drive H away. AND, wouldn't that be LBing big time? Wouldnt' it just give H an excuse that he'd be looking for?<BR> nearly two weeks ago, I "ran away" for the day. I LB'd by doing an outburst and couldn't take it. He said "it looks like I have the same old W back , to which I replied "well, I still have the same H, only I am the one doing all the work to try and make this relationship work- You're just sorry you got caught!".<BR> When he talked me into coming home that night instead of waiting till the morning he was supposed to fly out, I agreed. He asked me if I had gone out to get someone else. I told him "when would I have the time"? I am with the kids 95% of the time, except when I have a Dr. appt or go to the gym. He said, well, then you would if you had the time? and I said "No, my marriage vows mean something to me and you are the only one I would ever trust to have sex with". He just doesn't understand that I needed time away from him to process the hurtful things he had said to me. I needed time away from the kids so I could just think by myself and this would have given him time with them all day.<BR> Is there a ballpark figure or timetable on the time it takes to be able to let go of your anger or get your feelings out? D-Day for learning about the PA was only one month ago. D-Day for learning about the several EAs was about 2 months ago.<BR>Mikkey

Hi Mikkey,<P>From your story and timeline, I would say your mind is still in shock. I have a thread called the 5 stages of grieving. Anger is one of those stages. Just as you can not rush your body to heal, you can not push yourself nor can you push your H to recover. <P>It will take time. Here is the thread. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>I think I sent this to you before. It may not have meant as much then. You will be going through phases Mikkey. So will your H. It is hard. Some of us have to live in this angry stage much longer. You know my H called himself the agressor but in reality they both were. 2 negative charges, rushing at each other and eventually LBing each other. Leave them be, they will be each other's worst enemy. Why? Because lust requires more energy than most have to spare. It is like being a race, the andrenaline feels good but it is only a temporary high. A race car may seem more fun but the one that takes you to work, the market, the kids to school, etc. is the one you appreciate, really need and want. Eventually the novelty of the race car (or A) wears off. <P>In my case the OW was an older model race car. Had a few miles and scratches on her. LOL!!!!! Her used looks made H feel comfortable for a while but the ol battlac didn't have what it takes to really make it. But she keeps trying. Somedays I want to give him up to her. Just gets kinda frustarting. But we both know that she isn't the longevity type. She sputters for a while, the spews oil, after she treatens and LBs herself, she tries to cry wolf. Same game over and over. It is getting kinda old. <P>I used to get angry thinking of OW and H together. It still makes me shake but it also looks kinda stupid. So I try to laugh it off. Makes the problem look smaller. Puts is in better perspective. So even now when I suspect that there may be contact, I can hold back better. I ask but not everyday. I need reassurance but I am not getting what I know I need. Yet, I am able to be more patient now. <P>I don't even check his cell phone anymore. If she calls and he is dumb enough to talk with her, I will find out. There are other ways. The eyes don't lie as easily as the mouth. <P>Hope the thread helps. It helped me. Took me awhile to get to the acceptance stage, I slipped a few times but I keep trying to get there. <P>TAke care,<BR>L.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited September 30, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Orchid:<BR>[B]Hi Mikkey,<P>From your story and timeline, I would say your mind is still in shock. I have a thread called the 5 stages of grieving. Anger is one of those stages. Just as you can not rush your body to heal, you can not push yourself nor can you push your H to recover. <P>It will take time. Here is the thread. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>Hi Orchid,<BR>Thanks for the thread. I read Elizabeth Kubler Ross's book "On Death and Dying" when I was in nursing school over 20 years ago. I just wish we could speed this process up. It hurts and I think its sadistic to have to go through this but you learn something from everything you go through in life. That's what gives us our "character" I guess.<BR>I see the counselor tomorrow. H leaves tonight and then maybe we will follow him up there for a few days. Son will stay with Grandma for 2 days. Its going to be very difficult for me when he has to go back to Virginia next month!! I hope I don't have to feel like I'm starting all over again.<BR>How about you, are you taking care of yourself and feeling somewhat better? <BR>Mikkey