All of a sudden I don't feel so safe posting here. Something happened that made me think that either my H had access to my email or is reading my posts on here (God forbid HE actually post and get advice from anyone other than the OW). Actually, I don't have any secrets to keep from him...my life is an open book, it is him who is hiding all his thoughts, feelings, deeds and has been for a while...according to him always which is why he feels he needs to leave, he feels he has never been able to open up to me. I disagree, I think he has just replaced good memories and is dwelling on the bad, and that his feelings today are coloring his feeelings from yesterday.<P>But I just feel vulnerable. He is trying to convince himself that he made the right decision to leave. He says he knows he is hurting me, he knows I love him, but he has to do this for himself. He says he hurts about all of this because he is not normally a selfish person, but he has to be selfish now because he hurts too bad. I know he feels hurt, I know he feels discouraged. I just want him to have hope that my love might turn something back on for him. It is important to be loved.<P>I LBd today. I was doing good, chatting with him on the phone and I asked him about his new commute and how it was. Turns out that he is going WAY out of his way to pick up the OW and then going WAY out of his way to drop her at work before swinging crosstown to his own. I said oh that's nice, I see....I have to go, bye.<P>But then I had a little panic that I left it on a bad note and I called him back and told him I was sorry for being short, but then started CRYING!! i haven't done that to him for 2 weeks, I didn't want to do it again, he feels alot of guilt and pressure when I do that. I just kept saying I loved him, I wanted to work it out. He said he knows I love him, and he knows I miss him, and there is nothing wrong with me wanting to talk to him. But he is now only going to his therapist every other week, she told him he didn't need to come so often anymore...guess she has given up on our marriage too. And I asked him if he was hapier now...he paused and said "I don't know," and I asked if he really meant that or if he was just telling me that to make me happy...a long pause and then an "I don't know" again (his standard response, he doesn't want to ever figure out or convey his feelings, if they aren't right there on a platter for him he ignores them. I think that is why the OW is winning out, lust and a new relationship has a strong identifiable feeling, it is easy....our relationship is longer standing, more complex, and troubled now, not as easy to understand.<P>Just wanted to come and post my suspicion, confess my LB and just read. Still not recovered, it's just a bad day. Came home from work... Well, I was told to just go home. Have to get some things done here. Just wish I could pick up some peices of this relationship and fit them together...they all fit together if the both of us could work together to do it.<P>Well, if my H is here (he'll know my SN) I want him to know I love him, and I am working on myself and figuring out what I did to contribute to our problems and what I can do to help get our relationship back on track. i still see a great future for us together, we just have to get through this rough patch. I just watched Jerry McGuire last night and that is one of the best phrases I have heard...he completes me...there's a little something special missing from me now that he is gone, he was, is and will always be a part of my soul.<P>OK, thanks you all for listening. I needed it, you are wonderful. Any advice for my situation would help alot!

You're right - they tend to forget all the good times when they are in the fog. Try not to let those hurtful comments bring you down. Once the fog clears they regret they ever said them.<P>Hang in there and keep working on yourself and following Plan A. Also, really spend some time thinking about his EN's and where you may have missed fulfilling some. This helped me with my H.<BR>Good Luck

I wish someone would tell me when the fog would clear (I know no one can). But is he really in a fog? or am I deluding myself. To others (particularly his therapist it seems) he seems dead set on what he wants. Is that fog? just because it isn't what i want, is it fog? I do think it is, I think he is putting on a brave front, or he is just thinking this is what he wants now and he will think differently after time...but maybe, just maybe it isn't fog. How do you know?<P>Also, i know where I messed up with not fulfilling certain EN's. i have studied and restudied and analyzed and reanalyzed. Sure I am still learning, but I have afirm grip on that. But he won't let me in, so I can't work to fulfill them. Or I am just not creative enough to do it separated. We have no reason to talk, no kids, no house, nothing, and when he has something to say he writes an email. I called him today, first time..he actually didn't sound peeved, not annoyed at all. I thought maybe I should pick up the phone sometimes to chat, maybe that will pick up on finding a "friendship" like he said he wished we had before we started dating....<BR>

Hi Bj,<P>Well, if your H does come here he will see you pouring your heart out. Letting him see you sad and hurt is not necessarily a bad thing. It would be under normal circumstances but in the fog, anything goes.<P>So when will it clear? You are right you can not predict the time but you can watch for the signs. <P>The 'I don't know' statement along with the not wanting to hurt you but he can't seem to stop hurting you shows true waffling signs. This roller coaster ride does take it's toll on the Ws. They can't run on the A adrenaline forever. OW can only look new for a while after that the 'ol grey mare ain't what she use to be starts to show up and like a bad penny the LBing from the OW starts. Oh the true OW may come out. <P>You watch for that. In the meantime learn how to be good. The worse the OW gets, the better you get. In time he will see his gem at home and not out there among the rubble. <P>Take Care,<BR>L. <BR>