no one is really replying to my posts here.. and I would like you too please. I am very distrout and need some advise.<P>Hi you guys? I hope everyone is having a great day.<BR>Well I don't know if you remember me posting here sometime back... I have been getting on here for 5 months just reading and seeing if listening to the responses and advice you give others helps me. <BR>MY situation is my moods changing all the time. My boyfriend and father of my 3 month old _together for 4 years_ cheated on me he says three times with this new found friend of his.. they new eachother for a month.<BR>He has a problem with alcohol and drugs.. and now has been away from me for 6 months - d-day was the end of april- in a rehab which I think is great we needed this time away from eachother. I am a very angry person now and sometimes think I can get over this, but it is very hard trying to talk about it with him just through letters and a two hour visit. <BR>I know he is sincerely sorry and wants us to be a family with our child .. not like both of our parents which had horrible relationships with eachother and ended up in divorce. <BR>I have voiced my very strong opinion about how betrayed and hurt and angry I know am and could not believe he could do that to me after all the love and support I gave him. <BR>His answer is only - I let the alcohol control me- I had no feelings for her and I can't believe I could have done that to you. He doesn't even understand why!??? But I feel I have had no closure and knowing that I should not bring it up so he doesn't have to think about what he did with that slut.. I still find myself writing him or asking him the same questions all over again. <BR>I asked him for details which I know I REALLY don't want to know, and he said why would you want to think about that.. it is insane. <BR>zi can't get over that our intimate relationship was supposed to be ours and only ours and I value faitfulness to the extreme as well as honesty and for two months that this went on I was lied to continusly, abandoned, betrayed, and uncared for. He swears up and done he would never do me wrong again.. even put his hand on the bible. I feel like I can believe him because he sees how much he hurt me and that I keep telling him I dont know what I am going to do... we are at a point that I feel we aren't toegther at the moment and I have never ever broken up with him. I can tell he knows I am serious this time. <BR>I told him I think we should go to counseling and get on this website and stuff and he is more then willing.<BR>Should I believe him? How do I get past this anger and hate? One day I find myself almost reading to love him like I did, but images come in my head and I get discusted all over again. May I let you know he cheated on my while his child was in my stomach.... that really angers me to no end. <BR>I just don't know if I could make love to him and actually enjoy it knowing he "screwed" someone else. <BR>Please make comments and your interpurtation about my situation. <P>thanks, ally <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by abmm12:<BR><B>no one is really replying to my posts here.. and I would like you too please. I am very distrout and need some advise.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Dear Ally,<BR>Most of us hitting this site for support and caring. Ad vice you should get it from MB or professional. The first thing I did after I found Harly's books is call MB to get help. Meanwhile you could read SAA and most of it is in this site, both of you should read it and get help, learn how to fullfill your and his needs. You are lucky if he is willing, POJA should be in place. There is no place for drug and alcohol in the family. You could help him be a better man and H for you through love and caring.<P>------------------<BR>Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

Abmm12-<BR>The only way to get past the anger is to give it up to God, and don't think about it again. I works, truly! I did it, and i am happy to say that since then I am a different person, I have forgiven H for everything before the day I gave it up to God---Half the time, I have to sit very still and think about the things he said or did that were truly awful---or read my journal! But they just aren't there anymore----<P>Can you trust him? that is for you to decide. Alcohol and drugs are a very strong addiction---yes, you will need counseling!<P>Do you think your boyfriend has committment issues? Are there reasons why you aren't married? <P>Any way.....hang in there, and the images of the OW will be gone eventually!<P>Faith n Him

Honey.....I hear you! I can relate to a lot of the painful feelings that you are experiencing. My husband is also an addict.....to drugs and perhaps alcohol. Instead of being in rehab.....my man is incarcerated. He's been clean for two and a half years and is extremely remorseful for the pain that he's caused his family. Any addiction can overwhelm a person's normal feelings which makes for an atmosphere where chaos is created. <P>I strongly suggest that you attend either an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting. If this is not possible, please call your local chapter(s) and get some information sent to you so that you can review the material. Or.....go to an online site (http://www.ola-is.org/) which will allow you to gain knowledge about additive personalities. Then you can see where your SO's affairs may have resulted from his uncontrollable behavior.<P>As for yourself.....the more knowledge that you gain in knowing how these things can come about, the better off you'll be. Do not fail to read the Harley method of rebuilding a relationship. And, by all means, educate your mate. <P>Good luck and keep posting.......and we'll keep posting back <P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

You say you have a 3 month old. Your mood swings could be part of your post partum recovery. I've heard that just as it takes 9 months to create a baby, it can take the same length of time to get back to your old self again. I tend to believe that. I've had 3 pregnancies, and that time frame is right for me. My youngest are 7 months old now (fraternal twin boys), and I'm only now feeling like my old self again.<P>I would imagine that if you are breastfeeding, that your hormones would stay 'screwy' (lol) until you're done. It's hard to say, as everyone is different.<P>Your H has a lot of proving to do to you. He needs to earn your trust back, and that takes time. IMO, if you want to work things out, you're going to have to let him do the things he says he is willing to do. Actions always speak louder than words.<P>Karen<BR>

abmm12:<P>You say your BF has been away from you for 6 months. Where is he now? Still in rehab? Living elsewhere?<P>His willingness to work on your relationship is a good sign.<BR>Obviously, he has to give up his dependence on alcohol and drugs. If he will not or cannot do that, it would be too damaging to your baby to have him around.<P>If he can stay clean, introduce him to the MB concepts here on this site. In addition to giving up alcohol and drugs,<BR>he must break off contact with the OW for good. If he will do these two things, then you can start to rebuild your relationship.<P>Keep us informed on your progress.<BR>Estes

abmm:<P><BR>So sorry i haven't been around to respond to you. i almost left this site (which I really needed) because noone responded to my post.<P>You are just starting & I would be a liar if I told you it gets any easier.<P>The questions get worse, the answers get unanswered.<P>Your boyfriend sounds like he has a lot going on (in his head). I think it's great that he wants to do counseling. What about AA or AlAnon for yourself. You'd be surprised at how good those meetings are. And they're free.<P>I never thought I'd ever go to any of those meetings...I'm not one of "those" people. Well, guess what I am exactly one of "those" people. Especially at ALAnon. They are people just like you that have a loved one in their life that is draining them of everything. Love, life, laughter & happiness.<P>Encourage your boyfriend to read the post & the Harley's material. It's not for everyone, but there is plenty to choose from.<P>How old are you? How long have you & B been together? Any previous marriages or relationships? Has he had addiction problems for long? Do you have any family/friends to support you & the baby?<P>Don't feel lonely...your not. My H of 16 years cheated on me when I was pregnant with our 3rd & our 4th child. He said it didn't mean anything...that's just the problem it always means something & that's where talking/therapy/groups/MB helps you find out what that something is.<P>Lisa

One more thing, about the anger and hate: <P>Even though it is very hard to give up these feelings, think of it as self-defense. The one who suffers most from these feelings is you (and indirectly your baby because you are upset). Try to forgive him for yourself and your baby, not necessarily for him. Forgiving does not mean forgetting or accepting or tolerating his behavior. It means that you consciously will these intense feelings out of you thoughts. Whenever they arise, force yourself to think of something else. And as Faith n Him said, ask God to strengthen you in this effort.<P>Take care.

Hi,<P>Here is something that may help. It is called the 5 stages of grieving and as the betrayed spouse, you will go through periods of anger and mood swings. In addition to post partum issues may make it a double whammy. <P>Here is the thread: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>Here is also the general welcome package: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>Even though you have been reading a while, take a look at the welcome package. It show the tools offered here, books, questionnaires, phone counseling sessions, discussion of plan A vs plan B, etc. <P>Hope this helps. It does require that one put some time into reading the info here but it will be time put to good use. While the goal for many is recovery, the goal should also be how to better yourself as a person. This in turn will provide yourself with the support that you need to sustain yourself. <P>Take care,<BR>L.<P><BR>