well, all of your warnings of this new roller coaster, were definitely helpful for me.... but I still am getting used to this ride. sigh.... this may end up kinda long.... sorry<P>We had a good weekend overall - visiting with his family. 11 hours in the car each way was plenty of time for us to relax, talk, just be together, have fun, be quiet, serious talk, etc. We had some very good talks on the way there and back. We laughed, and cried as well. Some withdrawal and uncertainty set in on Saturday, and he became very quiet and grumpy - towards me and his family. But tried to keep my Plan A face best I could. Sunday morning, we talked a little - I couldn't take the grumpiness anymore, and it wasn't fair to his family - whom he hardly ever sees. It was a pleasant and heartfelt conversation. We are learning to communicate. Holding hands, etc. Protecting each other. He appreciated me reaching out to listen to him. We had some fun over the weekend - played some pool, went car-shopping with his sister, stopped by the casino on the way home.<P>He's reading SAA, and I showed him one thread here tonite. He's sleepy and somewhat withdrawn tonite, and is crashed on the couch now. right next to me.<P>I'm going to call and set up an appointment with Steve tomorrow. Why haven't I done it yet? hmmmm.... I don't know. Scared to get my hopes up? Afraid of the hard work? and the ups and downs coming? I don't know... but I'm going to do it. <P>One more thing, the OW has a letter for me. I told H I preferred he not see her to pick it up, so she mailed it today. hmmmmm..... I like to think the best of people, and he thinks it's some sort of apology.... I don't know. She told him is was woman-to-woman stuff. hmmmmm... I can't wait to see this. <P>He's changed his tune quite a bit since last week. I sure wish I had a tape recorder going last week. He is denying saying some of the things he said. Now, he wants to work on himself - clear up his feelings - figure out who he is.... instead of "wanting to give 110% to the marriage". Was VERY hard to not LB when I was hearing all of this!!!! <P>His actions and attitude are much different than last time he came home. He's sleeping in our bed (no affection/intimacy/sf yet), wearing his ring, making efforts to hug me, tell me he loves me, reading SAA. I thank him for all of these things.<P>He's still not agreeing to a no-contact letter. He thinks it is rude and condescending. I clarified what the letter was, and he understood better. sigh.... he INSISTS there will be no more contact - and says the OW "HATES" him. But will think about the letter. I know, I know - lets get on the phone with Steve.. O.K.<P>P.S. SOmeone asked me on another thread how he changed his mind. Lots of things have just seemed to come together. My birthday, his sister moved back from Germany (Army), the U.S. attacks, pressure from OW to make a decision, I think OW's old boyfriend called expressing interest in seeing her again, time (affair has lasted 5 months), my good Plan A for 3 months(behavior changes and no LB's), his conscience, his health is bothering him and is afraid of cancer coming back, fear of actually facing and cancelling his appointment with the attorney on Wednesday, and God's intervention.<BR>

Hi Faith,<P>Good update. Sorry it can't be all positive. Even in the best of recoverys there are still ups and downs. But yours sounds like it is still heading in the right direction. <P>Whatever the OW has to say, is well IMHO, trash.....don't let that affect you or your decisions. She was never your friend so don't expect her to be. Depending on her reaction, well I'd hate to think you have Mrs. Rabbit's sister. But ya never know. These OWs might have a sick sorority of some sort going on and it just makes you want to use At&t to reach out and slap someone!!!! LOL!!! <P>Anyway, you and your H keep communicating. Have a good session with Steve.<P>All the best,<BR>L.

Thanks, Orchid. I was hoping you were still around tonite. Thanks for your encouragement. <P>You said on my other thread that you lost me as your ICQ friend... NOPE... I'm still here. DOn't you dare give up on me. H seems to understand and support MB and my friends on ICQ. SO far. I need it muchly. He is proud of the strength I have gained - and given - here.

Hi Faith,<P>Oh good. Nice to have your H's blessing. Mine is still a bit can we say jealous? Hm..... Anyway, maybe the 2 can swap how to be nice to the wife stories one day. he he he!!!! <P>H had to go make a long distance courier run delivering urgent medical supplies so he will be gone most of the night. Oh well, better that than yucky ow body part pictures on the i-net.....double yuck!<P>Now I hope you can get some rest. You have toiled with us here many a night. I am just so happy for you. One day when your H feels more comfortable about us night owls here at MB, you can let him know that we are all pulling for the 'both' of you. <P>Take care and pleasant dreams!!!!<P>L.<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Faith1:<BR><B>One more thing, the OW has a letter for me. I told H I preferred he not see her to pick it up, so she mailed it today. hmmmmm..... I like to think the best of people, and he thinks it's some sort of apology.... I don't know. She told him is was woman-to-woman stuff. hmmmmm... I can't wait to see this. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Gee, I hope it's an apology. Good that you have fair warning so you can be "prayed up." I pray that God will strengthen you with His wisdom so you can be strong enough not to reply, if so led! I agree with Orchid, OW has already disqualified herself for friendship. And unless a child was born, I can't see any reason for you to be in contact with her ever again--ever?!<P>Also so sorry to hear about your H somewhat backing down on his promises. I don't think I would sit by in silence and watch him do this. I wouldn't consider it a selfish demand if the words came out of his own mouth. You didn't make any demands? It's about HIS being honest. <P>I don't know, maybe you guys should get some of his promises down in writing so he can remember and not be tossing phrases out in the air to manipulate you...(?)<P>Good luck Faith1, you're making great strides in rebuilding! Hang in there!

Ding, ding, ding. Sorry, sirens going off in my head.<P>Please take that letter with a grain of salt. Think about where OW is coming from, if she really does hate your H, then she will manipulate the truth and make things sound ALOT worse then they are. There will most likely be things in that letter that will untimately add to your resentment because you were better off not knowing (or it may cause you to question your H or cause tension between you - just what she wants!!). <P>Your H HURT her. I doubt the letter will be an apology. Even if it is, I think it will cause you more pain than it is worth.<P>I would throw it away w/o reading it. It is not worth it. She is out of your life. There is nothing she can say that will make things BETTER, but there is ALOT she can say to make it a whole lot worse for you...<P>You're never going to talk to her again, so what difference does it make, she thinks you read it. <P>Either that, or have a mutual friend read the letter (that you can trust), to make sure there is not alot of BS in there...<P>I don't know. It's tough not to read it, can you handle it? I know I am just feeling SO much anger and resentment right now (don't worry it will hit you soon, real soon), that anymore "realizations" would just make me more resentful and make it harder to work things out.<P>I think Harley said that you only need to know the basics, that's one of the reasons for plan B, when you know too much, or too many details (i.e. the affair in your face all the time), the resentment builds up and it takes that much longer to recovery...<P>Let us know if you do read it. I must say, I am curious, just skeptical...<P>Glad things went well for you this weekend!! Counseling with the Harley's should be good. Maybe ask him about the letter???<P>HbH

I am dying to know what's in that letter. It would just kill me to ignore it. H2Y told me to return the letter without opening it, along with a no-contact letter. He said the same things as you, HBH. I just don't know. I'm dying to know. And I don't know how to NOT read it without LB'ing. He thinks SO MUCH of her, he can't stand it if I ever say anything disrespectful about her. If I refuse the letter, he will think I'm being rude. I'm still working on my communication skills on expressing myself to him without being judgmental, condescending or angry. Everytime I say something, it comes out wrong or he takes it wrong.

I'm curious as to what the letter says too... hehehe. I'm pretty evil that way. I'm a '[censored] disturber' so to speak (hehehe).<P>IMO, you should read that letter. Then depending on the content, show it to your H. But then again, what is it that your H wants you to do? Does HE want you to read it?<P>Karen<BR>

Hi Faith,<P>Reading her letter may be like my reading those cruel e-mails. This one you have in writing, even her fingerprints for evidence. Like Topie, I have an evil side too?!@?!?! LOL! Nah, just a cautious one. <P>It is the woman thing in us. I would read it. Vent here if you need. I did. Those e-mails of OW's were mean and nasty. I kept them and periodically read them whenever H would say nice stuff about the OW. Ya know, he would make the craziest excuses about why she wrote such cruel things. "oh she was in a bad modo because h upset her". Even better was the one that "Ow was in a bad mood and basically threatened me because I was mean to her on the phone". Let's see, Hi may I speak to OW? Is mean? I think when she said F U, now that was mean. Oh yea, it's the fog, he was getting the script mixed up.<P>So you see, you gotta be strong and if you think you are, then read it if you need to. It does etch itself in your mind though. Kinda hard to get rid of. Be prepared for that hon.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Hi Faith,<P>I've got a hunch there's NOTHING in that letter that's going to be good for you. I think you should give it to someone you trust to read it and censor it first.<P>Hmmmm, "Woman to woman" ??? Sounds like she wants to give you more HURT. I suspect it will contain "details" that will cut like a knife through your heart.<P>You may think you can get "over them" - but the truth is that the words you read will then be in your mind and heart FOREVER. Remember, this is WHY we flee sin.....so that it can't pervade our soul and corrupt our very insides. This letter will DO that to you. I vote do NOT read it. And I'm a curious person too! I would probably want to read it myself, if it was mailed to ME, but - in this circumstance, I would hope I had enough strength to RESIST. There can be no good thing in there for you and H.<P>I doubt it's an apology, although he wants to think that because he's still "fogged up" and thinks she's a good person. <P>Hang in there, sis. You're doing great! It WILL be OK.<P>Lupo

THanks for all your input on the letter. I still don't know yet. It should come today. I feel like I can handle whatever it is. I'm going into it deciding that it doesn't matter what it says - I can't believe ANYTHING it says.... good or bad. So, I'm just reading out of curiosity. We'll see. H wants to read it too, well he asked me if he could read it. I said I don't know. I said, I should let you read it, becuase we should be open and honest about everything. <P>Well, we have an appointment with Steve Monday afternoon. Can I survive till then? I am just trying to take things slow, not push, not talk about "us", but trying to get him to talk if he wants to. I'm so stressed out, but I'm trying to fill the EN's he'll let me. I'm doing pretty good at avoiding LB's also. He is reading Love Busters and SAA, so that is good. I hope I am doing everything I should be. I feel like I have dropped the ball since he was so committed last week, and seems to be waffling now. I know it's not my fault - it's his decision - but I FEEL like it's my fault - that I did something wrong - or didn't do something I should have.<P>I know, Faith1, relax. Enjoy the moments together - remain upbeat, and fill those EN's.

Faith, he will waffle. As long as it's not waffling TOWARDS OW, you should be okay. Lots of OP waffle as to not knowing if they want the marriage or not, they see how horrible they have been to you, and it scares them. <P>However, if you were to pose seperation or divorce at this time, I bet your H would freak and do whatever he could not to have that happen. (not a suggestion, just a realization)<P>You have to realize your H is coming out of the fog, it is terrifying to look back and REALIZE what you have done!! My god, imagine??? Plus, you may have the added problem of withdrawal from OW, I didn't have that this last time, but some people on here do, and that will mess with you as well...<P>Just stick with it to the best of your ability. If you are too tired, just try your best to not LB. The Plan A stuff can come later if need be. <P>I still vote for not reading the letter. I think lupolady hit it right on the nose, although I didn't want to be that blunt with you. She said exactly what I felt.<P>I think you are not being honest with yourself. You CAN choose not to read the letter. You CAN choose to just get OW out of your life permanently. Hold the letter over a candle and burn the dam* thing. DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT WOULD FEEL??? That she doesn't have the POWER to get to you anymore?? My god, talk about healing!!<P>Good luck, you know I will respect whatever decision you take, and I will be here if it is really horrible and you are not able to get her words out of your head 2-3 months from now. We are all just trying to save you from pain that we have experienced ourselves.<P>Sometimes you have to learn on your own though. God bless Faith, I really do hope the letter does not hurt you if you do choose to read it. <P>HbH

I agree that reading the letter could really be more than you want to know. Although like some of the others my sickness would also make me want to check it out. I like HBH's idea to burn it up. In fact I'd like to burn a lot of things. I think it really would feel good. <P>I hope things continue to go well. I know that the roller coaster ride sucks but buckle in and hang on tight. Take care and good luck with whatever you decide to do!!