Gastonp, this is my reply from my other thread...I was hoping to get a response from you.....<P><BR>Do you guys think I should share your responses with my H....especially your reply...gastonp? Since you have been where he is now....I just wish he could see the harm he is causing by continuing to work with her...he doesn't want to admit to anyone at work that he has been involved with her in an inappropriate way....hey, they have eyes...I gurantee you that they already know that something is going on between them...he thinks that no one at work has noticed that they were constantly together, breaks, supper, meeting after work, her hanging around after work to talk to him and so on....he thinks this will be a BIG suprise to his bosses and co-workers....I am sure he has looked like a fool running around chasing her.....anyway, he doesn't want to request an immediate move due to being involved with her...doesn't want to deal with the fall out such an admission would cause....he would rather go through the normal channels of requesting a transfer...this could take months.....in the meantime I am to just I guess accept the fact they are together everynight and put up with it....he doesn't care how much this hurts me and I am to just TRUST that he is not having any contact with her that is not necessary other than to direct/assist her with her job....<BR>Gastonp - isn't it just about impossible for him to stay close to her at work and not be pulled back to her???? He tells me - he can handle it....yeah, right....he hasn't handle it so far......am I suppose to just say OK, you can handle it...and wait for the next bomb to fall!!! I have told him he is setting himself up for failure and he won't listen to me.....any suggestions???? anyone please respond! <BR>Thanks<BR>Dianne<BR>------------------<BR>always-faith4us<P>

I think since he has admitted to you he had an inappropriate relationship with her then you should make your request a different way. I think you should tell him this is something you want him to do for you. Its not that he is a weak, insecure, incompetant man (although he is - don't tell him that). It is just a way for trust to be rebuilt. It has nothing to do with her and him, it has to do with you. and it is a way for him to show you he is committed to working on the marriage. <P>You can ask him to read the thread but realize that ALL WS think their situation is unique and different and NOT AT ALL like all other affairs.<P>Me personally, I would put my foot down. I would tell him he has 1 week to transfer or he is out of your house. But only you know if you are strong enough to follow through because most likely you will have to follow through with that. <P>Are you on anti-depressants? There is something called FLMA - it is a family leave medical act which is by the federal govt that says if you have a dr's request you can take a leave of absense from work up to 12 weeks and be guaranteed your job back (usually only 3 weeks with pay and the rest without but some pay the whole 12weeks). If he doesn't want to tell his superiors about the affair then he can take a medical leave of absense until a transfer has gone through. He doesn't have to say WHAT it is. As long as the dr. who prescribed the anti-depressants will sign off. Mine did. This would push along the transfer quicker.<P>Also, cushion your boundaries with compliments. You are not doing this to punish him or treat him like a child. You are doing this because you love him and you want your marriage to work. <P>

I think since he has admitted to you he had an inappropriate relationship with her then you should make your request a different way. I think you should tell him this is something you want him to do for you. Its not that he is a weak, insecure, incompetant man (although he is - don't tell him that). It is just a way for trust to be rebuilt. It has nothing to do with her and him, it has to do with you. and it is a way for him to show you he is committed to working on the marriage. <P>You can ask him to read the thread but realize that ALL WS think their situation is unique and different and NOT AT ALL like all other affairs.<P>Me personally, I would put my foot down. I would tell him he has 1 week to transfer or he is out of your house. But only you know if you are strong enough to follow through because most likely you will have to follow through with that. <P>Are you on anti-depressants? There is something called FLMA - it is a family leave medical act which is by the federal govt that says if you have a dr's request you can take a leave of absense from work up to 12 weeks and be guaranteed your job back (usually only 3 weeks with pay and the rest without but some pay the whole 12weeks). If he doesn't want to tell his superiors about the affair then he can take a medical leave of absense until a transfer has gone through. He doesn't have to say WHAT it is. As long as the dr. who prescribed the anti-depressants will sign off. Mine did. This would push along the transfer quicker.<P>Also, cushion your boundaries with compliments. You are not doing this to punish him or treat him like a child. You are doing this because you love him and you want your marriage to work. <P>

Hi Faith4us,<P>A's are about as unnoticeable as when an ostrich puts his head in the sand and thinks not one can see his but sticking straight up for the world to see. You are right, but the fact that he is going home at night with her is worse than him working with her. <P>How does he expect to withdraw from her if he is spending his nights there? That is where it needs to stop. Not just at work. <P>Trueheart was a WS and has helped many. He wrote a letter to other WSs and I shared it with my H. Now my H had a bad attitude and called it pompous. But it was not. Trueheart did a big turnaround. Search for his name, you may find the letter. If you can not, let me know and I will go look for it. <P>L. <BR>

bumped up looking for more input