I am here only to share my experience, which does not mean it is applicable to all of you.<P>My H left two years ago. We had all of the ups and downs of D-Day, Plan A, Plan B (I was a reader not a poster, and a reader of lots of other advice as well), and he ultimately left and is still with OW.<P>We were married 18 years (we married in our early 20s). I thought he was going nuts. I thought he was in an early MLC. I thought he was the most selfish man and I still loved him and wanted the marriage to work for me and our two children.<P>I have learned a lot since he left. Many of you may not wish to hear this, but some of you may be open.<P>My husband pursued an OW. I have all the facts now and I have the distance to understand them. He was the man who was married to me and had made his vows to me. During the time I wished to win him back, I hated the OW with a passion that I could never describe, but I am sure you all feel, and I blamed her for breaking up my marriage.<P>From everything I learned, I now know this is not true. My husband pursued her. I now know that she did try to break it off a number of times but each time he would bring her back in. The last two times he broke it off were after D-Day. I forced him to write a no-contact letter but it was not from his heart. He wrote it to appease me. He did not want a messy divorce and yes, he still loved me and cared about me.<P>But this is the difference. He could not envision a happy future with me anymore. This was the hardest to understand. We had a good past, but we had come to such a lull in our emotional life in our marriage. We were stagnant as a couple for a long time. I thought we were fine. I got a lot of emotional fulfillment in the children. I didnt' feel like him, and I couldnt understand how he could throw away what we had.<P>Here is what I learned: He felt like he felt. I felt like I felt. I could not force his feelings. He could either come around and believe in us, or not. I tried it all. He was truly done.<P><BR>Today I am proud of me because I have moved into acceptance of what happened and I do not blame either of them anymore. I love my husband (ex) and I TRULY want him to be happy. If he feels he cannot be happy with me, well, he shouldnt be with me.<P>I spent a lot of time hating the OW. I forbade the kids to meet her, I spoke poorly about her, etc. Now I know how much I HURT MY CHILDREN that way!! I turned them against their father!!! Dont say that I shouldnt blame myself for this, I am very based in reality. I badmouthed her every chance I could get and made it very difficult for my children to make up their own minds and love their father when I was around. This is my biggest regret.<P>I have spoken to the OW recently, for the first time without hatred. We finally came to understand each other. She fell very much in love with my H because he showed her his best side, and because they were able to dream of a future together. <P>I called it a fantasy and a fog. In the end, it didnt matter what I called it. What mattered was what he felt about his life. He is building his new life, I am building mine. As soon as I stopped hating and started focusing on pursuing my own happiness wihtout feeling like my happiness was dependent on his, I was able to start to live again.<P>I love my life right now. And I believe I will fall in love again. I am worth it. And I am Proud of me!

I'm proud of you, too. You've come to KNOW that one of life's secrets.."You can only depend on yourself to make you happy"...actually it true. I'm sooooo impressed.<P>------------------<BR>It's not how bad it is. It's how good it's not.

I don't understand why you think some may not want to hear what you have to say here. I think it's important... extremely important.<P>Not all of the marriages on here are saveable. The point of plan A and B is for YOU. At the same time, it is also the best way to go into recovery... if that's meant to be.<P>You're still a Marriage Builders Survivor. There's no doubt about that. The end result of your MB experiences is that you're a better, stronger, more self aware individual. You'll be able to take all of this into a new relationship, if and when you're ready.<P>I"m proud of you too! <P>Karen<BR>

This is just another poor argument for the “feel good” syndrome. I don’t “feel” like getting out of bed today, so I won’t go to work. I don’t “feel” like being moral or responsible today, so I won’t. My XW was a live-by-my feelings kind of person. But that was to be expected from an eight year old living in an adult body.

Proudofme,<P>What a great SUCCESS you have becomes!!!!! <P>I truly understand how you feel. If you get stuck with a bowl of lemons, it is wonderful to make the best-tasting lemonade that you can!!!<P>I, too, am impressed with your positive attitude. With an open heart and an open mind, you WILL find peace, happiness and love again.<P>Congrats! Desiree<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hi POM, Congratulations on your success. Right now, I can honestly say I don't want to consider my marriage to be over. Not that I don't want to hear about your recovery but because I'm still at the stage in my ordeal that I still believe that there's hope.<P>I just have a few questions. Did you and your H ever separate? Did he go through denial, not wanting to let ANYONE know? Were you still very much attracted to one another? Was he the typical angry WS? Did he ever believe there was a chance? Did you find MB at that time? Your answers would be quite useful for me. <P>Thanks very much.

Call me cynical if you wish, but has it occurred to anyone else that this post might have been written by an OW pretending to be a BS?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nellie1:<BR><B>Call me cynical if you wish, but has it occurred to anyone else that this post might have been written by an OW pretending to be a BS?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>lolol, that was my first thought!<P>

I hate to think that someone would do that, pose as a BS but really is an OW. Yet after reading the post again, my gut feelings are with Dana and Nellie. <P>I apologize if I'm wrong, POM, but there's something about your post that doesn't feel honest. <P>Jo

I believe that she is right and I agree with her. Sometimes people drift after so many years of marriage. You have children and mortgages, bills and the stress of everyday living. What happens as a by product of that is that we drift from our mates the ones we love. Then we accept the status quo. We don't want it to happen but it does. Then the walls go up and are nearly imposable to bring down.<BR>This is how A happen. We meet other people who make us smile and tell us what we want to hear and then no matter what happens, whatever the BS says isn't enough. Then the communication stops.<P>It’s about how he or she feels now and not about the past memories that we share with our WS. Feelings don’t lie. My wife doesn’t see a happy future with me, I don't understand it, just five months ago we were happy. But I do see a happy future for myself and my three children and I'm just fine. Sure, I would like it to be other wise more for my children then anything else. But that won't happen. I could blame it on her coming from a broken home, both parents had affairs and are married to different people. I can blame it on a lot of things. But the truth is people become complacent with each other for any number of reasons and then it just happens to be too late, for most.<P>It is about how we feel about each other that counts and it takes two to dance.<BR>I believe in Marriage Builders and if I had known about this site last year it might have helped. Affairs are mighty strong poison and sometimes whatever medicine you use isn't enough.<BR>