My wife finally broke down yesterday and called the OM. It had been 15 days since she meet him to end the entire thing. She has been in serious withdrawal every since. She is in a terrible mood, shows no affection at all to me and is getting very little sleep. Now that she has called him...(just to see that he is okay). Will she go back to square one in withdrawal or is it a minor setback ? <P>The only people who know about her A is her Mom, Dad (they are divorced), her Brother and best friend. She doesn't really want to be around her family anymore recently saying that she can't face them after what she's done. Is this normal ? <P>I have been Plan "A"'ing as much as possible and I didn't go nuts when she told me she talked to him. They are now 4 hours apart which i know is to my advantage. <P>What do i do now ? I love this women with all my heart and long to have her back in my arms and loving me !! HELP !!!!

It is great that she told you she contacted him...that should make you feel really good, that she told you, that she had enough trust in you not to LB about it all.<P>Keep it up!!!<P>Jacky

Thanks for the reply. <P>I didn't LB back at her, but by not doing that am i telling her it's okay that she talk to him ? I did express my concern for her that she did this. That this will start over her withdrawal feelings for him and reset things for him. The "phyiscal closure" meeting she had with him 15 days ago was supposed to be the good-bye meeting. Now she is saying that she never said she wouldn't talk to him again. She's been in serious withdrawal every since. <P>Do I encourage her to not talk to him everyday ? How often do i ask if they have spoken ? If they do speak should i be able to tell if she is upbeat ? <P>What prompts people to come out of the "fog" ? Do they come out all at once or gradually ? <P>This OM will never give her up...he is 55 she is 35 and has no friends or family living within 8 hours of him. It HAS to be her, but she is such a caring person that she doesn't want to hurt anyone...but IS hurting everyone. <P>God be with all of us. <P>Any advise would be greatly appreciated !! <P>

My W just called on the phone. She was in tears apologizing for what she is putting me through. She knows that i love her very much and that she loves me. But she is having such a hard time letting this guy go. She can't get him out of her mind and how he made her feel. Most of her wants to come back and work on our marriage and she believes that i can make her happy. But the other side of her wants this guy. <P>She is tearing herself into with this, no sleep, tired. She also knows that i need/want her love and affection and she is NOT giving it and for this she is sorry. I simply asked her what she WANTED. I told her she knew how i felt but the descision was ALL hers to make. <P>She isn't really talking to anyone else about this. She says those that do talk to her try to belittle "their" relationship. She said she just feels like she is in the middle...i told her she WAS in the middle and is the only one who can resolve this. <P>I didn't LB on her as BAD as i wanted to. I did break down once when she was talking to me. I told her i felt so bad for what she is going through and doing to herself. That she needed to solve it soon for her own sake and health. <P>HELP...WHAT DO I DO NOW ?????? <P>

You know, the good thing is she called YOU and not OM ! <BR>This is good!!<P>You have probably deposited major love units by empathizing with her and telling her you felt bad for her. You are creating a safe environment for her to share herself with you.

You are doing perfect. My H came out of fog a little glimmer at a time. It took about 6 weeks of no contact for him to have some clarity.Will she come here to talk?<BR>Dont make OM sound bad, just worry about her, just like you are doing.<BR>Keep up good work!!!

Okay....yes i am doing that. But she can't/won't make up her mind about what she wants to do. She has it all with me now and knows she would have to give it up. She knows that i would fight till the death to get custody of our kids. She has both now, me, the security i offer, the kids, her reputation intact, her friends intact...but those things doesn't seem to matter to her if she loses them. <P>Where is her motherly instinct ?? Why can't she see what she would do to the kids ? Why does she think i will hang onto her forever this way ? Why isn't she afraid of me tossing her out the door ? Why don't these things motivate her to make a choice ??? Everyone KNOWS what they want i think...i know i do...and it's her !!! <P>Any insight to these questions ???? <BR>

You asked a good question when you asked why she is not afraid of you tossing her out. The answer to this is in one of your previous messages. You said the decision was all hers. This implies that you will accept anything and everything. You are wrong. The decision is not all hers.<BR>The decision deals with both of you. Nobody respects a doormat. You should make it clear that you will be making decisions for your life if she is unable to make up her mind. She will respect you and you will respect yourself.<BR>I wish you luck.<BR>

Bryanp, <P>What you said is true to some extent. I have told her i will wait for her BUT not forever. I try to keep her guessing on how long i will wait for her. I asked my MC about this. Will a woman respect a guy who hasn't drawn a line and tossed her out and let her ponder on this thing so long ? Will she ever wake up to all the BAD THINGS i could have done to her and didn't and respect me for it when each thing i didn't do made me feel like a doormat ? I won't be a doormat for her. I asked her the other day if she would even cry if i left....she said she would, but that she knew that then it would be too late. I just can't bear the thought of having to tell my children that we would seperate or worse....that's my worst nightmare.