You wrote, " Especially if the WS and OW use it as bait to try to make the BS stumble." You were talking about LB's. What did you mean?<P>You also said my H is very confused, and "One day, when your H wakes up, he will need that type of support." He says he is not confused. He says he knows what he wants. He wants to be out of our marriage and to be with his OW. I can't understand how he can want to be with her. LBing comes from selfishness, right? Well she deliberatly ruined a marriage and stole my H. She took advantage of a marriage in trouble to get what she wanted. What could be more selfish than that? She is an evil, selfish B***h. Why can't he see that? How can he care about her? If she is fundamentally the type of selfish person who would have an affair, not caring who else she hurt, than she can't possibly meet his needs, right? She must be LBing all over the place. <P>He can't possibly be happy with somone that selfish, can he?

You know, I actually used that line on my wife, not long after D-Day. I said "You actually think you could be happy with him? He cheated on his wife!" and she responded, without hesitation, "I cheated on you, didn't I?" and I immediately knew what she meant, and felt about two inches tall.<P>The truth is, your husband cheated on you, and you still love him. Why would you want to be with someone as selfish as he is, not caring who else he hurt, and couldn't possibly meet your needs? It's harsh, but sometimes we BSes need to put ourselves in the WSes shoes. The reason you still want to be with him is because you love him and know in your heart that, in spite of all the pain he caused you, you still can be happy with him.<P>Don't assume the OP is LBing all over the place. Assume they are doing a perfect job. Just do your part, and don't LB. Above all, paint the picture of the happy marriage you and your husband want, and hang it before him, every moment of his life. As long as he is confident in that marriage being achievable, he will make the efforts to attain it.

I guess this is what I just don't understand. I know my H is fundamentally a good, caring, loving person. That's why I love him and believe in our marriage. We were married for almost 20 years with complete fidelity. He believes in fidelity, and he believes in investing in a marriage. He is not fundamentally a selfish person. <P>His actions in having an affair are obviously selfish, unbelievabley so. But I know they are based on his own depression and midlife crisis. <P>His OW, however, IS a fundamentally selfish person. The only person she cares about is herself. She deliberately set out to get him to leave our marriage as soon as she knew we had problems. She is known for taking delight in hurting other people. How can she possibly make him happy? How can they possibly have a good relationship?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by wantstobemarried:<BR><STRONG>We were married for almost 20 years with complete fidelity. He believes in fidelity, and he believes in investing in a marriage. He is not fundamentally a selfish person....but his actions...are based on his own depression and midlife crisis. <BR>How can she possibly make him happy? How can they possibly have a good relationship?</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hello, Wants...<BR>I am in exactly the same place you are. My WH is a great guy (you described HIM)! Never a hint of infidelity or suspicion before the day he left! He went to an atty 3 weeks after our 20 yr anniv. and 1 month TO THE DAY after our Anniv. I found div. papers in the mail and him gone! I KNOW he never called her, SHE pursued HIM. DOesn't matter.<BR> He's with her now. I don't understand, either, IF or HOW she "makes him happy." IT DOESN"T MATTER! Stop focusing on that aspect of their relationship. My WH (and maybe yours, too?) was feeling very "neglected" in some areas, and she filled them. YOU undersatnd that she MUST be a selfish person to pursue and get involved with a MM, BUT if he doesn't see it, there is NO POINT in trying to "educate" him. All it does is make you look bad, and jealous, and "clingy" and "desperate" and, yes - even selfish.<P>They may have a "good relationship" for NOW. Have you read SAA? There is no way this thing is going to last, so just relax and watch it "unravel!" My WH's "relationship" is unraveling now, I can tell....so just work on YOU, on what YOU can do to "fix" yourself, and let him go with it....it'll die under its own steam. I felt - <B> from the very beginning of their A </B> that the very worst thing I could do was try to "bust them up" by pointing out HER bad points! I KNEW that would give her ammunition to bad-mouth ME and make me their "common enemy" - which of course, <B>SHE</B> would use to the fullest extent. Better to let HER try to be his "be-all and end-all" while he's feeling <B> guilty</B> (yes, they do!) and <B> sad</B> for what he's done.<P>I honestly believe that the "good guys" have the best chance for recovering from their A's because the guilt kills it relatively early-on. WHEN my M is restored, I'll have more to base THAT on! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Hang in there, you're in for a long ride, but there IS hope at the end of the line.<P>Lupo