yep. I guess we all knew it. We met for dinner tonite, H had been doing some "thinking". In a nutshell, he's confused, and wants to be alone and work on himself. hehe... I was upset earlier, but, I'm much better now. I tried to prepare myself for this. He can't see us ever being happy. He doesn't feel anything for me. I remained calm as long as I could, encouraged him to give this some time, let the emotions settle, finish SAA, lets talk to Steve on Monday.... nope. he doesn't believe anything. He thinks the marriage is beyond repair.<P>I said, what do you want to do? He said we need to start looking at everything, the bills, figuring out what we want to do.... I got frustrated at this point and started to leave. he got me to calm down, we tried to talk a little more. I tried to ask what I did or said to change his mind. Nothing. Then he said, well, maybe in some talking the last few days, I said some things that he thought could never be fixed in the marriage. He asked me this weekend what my needs were and what was lacking for me in the marraige. I tried to be gentle, adn positive, but I guess he was hurt by them beyond believing they can improve. I told him again that anything that was lacking in the marriage can be improved. He is jsut determined to believe that the marriage was terrible and beyond repair. <P>I asked him if he would be willing to give this 3 months - or 6 months. Nope. <P>He said we're friends and he loves me. I said friends don't do this to each other. He agreed.<P>I said, we've been apart for 5 months. You say you;ve been unhappy for a while. it won't all come together in a few days. Will you finish SAA and talk to Steve on Monday. nope.<P>So he started talking about bills and cars and stuff. i couldn't handle it. I got up, smiled, and left the restaurant. Sorry. It was that or start bawling or cussing him out... hehe.<P>So, he's determined to give up. I'm not yet. He still wants to live here until he figures out what to do - where to go or whatever. Fine. <P>Well, so i don't know what to do the next few days. Try to be nice? Don't push? But still see if he will talk to Steve on Monday? I really don't think I pushed the last few days. He came home ready to work - ready to commit - wanted to know what to do next. i gave him SAA and LB, and set up and appointment with Steve. I've plan A'd him pretty well. I feel like I must've screwed up since he came back. But I did the best I could. <P>Ok. Got the letter from OW. It's long, or I would post it. it's an apology. She did soething terrible. She begged my forgiveness. She wished us luck in rebuilding. She respects me for growing during this time instead of focusing on the negative. She respects me for trying to work on our marriage. She will stay away from H. Oh well.... <P>Please help.. what to do now? First instinct was to ask him to leave. no. SO what? apologize for getting upset? continue plan A? go to Plan B? stay out of his way? He's gone out tonite - to give me some space.<P>I'm about done. love bank is about gone. I'm not going to file. And I know I shouldn't make any big decisions until I calm down. (Plan B or asking him to leave)<P>

Faith-<P>TAke a deep breath, and calm down! It sounds like H is still in the fog. He doesn't know what he wants. Do you think H has talked to OW? If he really wanted out, I think he would stay with a friend or find somewhere to live right now. Not wait and see. Try not to LB---try to keep busy, go out with your friends, do something so you aren't so available. <P>Try not to take what he says to heart---let it slide off. I will be praying for you! Take care!<P>((((((((((((((((faith1))))))))))))))<P>Krystal

<BR>Faith. Sounds like he is confused and empty. You might not want to talk about your marriage for the next week or two. Do you have children if you do get into them very close? Try to be very independent of him this is important and don't push a marriage consular on him, not yet at least. He might still be very attached to OW at this point and is afraid of giving her up. Be there for him but be there for yourself first.... He needs to see that. You won’t win back his heart with guilt. I can tell you that SAA is not easy, it can wipe you out. Start preparing and protecting yourself. The more time that goes by the stronger you will become. It isn’t easy but life goes on and all of a sudden you wake up feeling great. I know trust me, I know. I know you love him, but is there quality in your life and will there ever be with him. Let him stay in the house but slowly work on winning his heart again. Over time people drift and sometimes they drift back. It’s a very slow and fragile process. Work on yourself and become independent and strong that does more then you can imagine.

My dear Faith,<P>Even the best of them, stumble and fall..... Yes he is confused. At least he admits it. He needs to sort his mind out. He says he feels it is over, loves you, wants to be friends? Yep yup, greatly confused. <P>You my dear continue doing what you can. There is other things bothering him. Guilt with OW? Is she trying to get to him via being nice to you? Becareful of her. <P>Should you never get mad? No. See if you look too perfect, that fog head of his may think you are too good for him and maybe you are. Why? Because he has become so bad. Can he get better? Well yes, but it is up to him. <P>So ask him, what part of his words the last few days were a lie? He may tell you he is not feeling well. Mine did. Says he is mixed up. No feelings for anyone. Asked me if we would be better off without him. I said in some ways, yes. Hm..... Asked him the same he said he would hurt either way. Yep I said me too.. Stale mate? Nah. Just reality. <P>IMHO, I think this is your H's hard time. Don't push going to do anything. Let him see that lovely girl we have come to know. He did miss you. Hm.... that fog makes their memory go fast. Gotta get them that 'senior moment' vitamin memory supplment. <P>{{{{hugs to you}}}} Can't say you did anything wrong. This is about him, Faith not you. <P>Let me know if you want to talk....ok?<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Faith,<P>Be very proud of yourself tonight. You did the best you could. <P>Your talk sounds like the last one me and H had, it brought tears to my eyes, and a pain to my heart.<P>I would recommend that you keep away from him as much as you can the next few days. You are hurting, and that might make you do and say things you'll regret.<P>Be strong.<P>Jacky

well, H came home, and thank goodness I was calm. He wanted to talk. He wanted to know what my friends recommended. I told him i didn't want to tell him, because I feel like he is asking me for all the answers to our situation, and I don't have the answers he needs. he said ok. I said, I can tell you my feelings, but I think you should find some of the answers yourself. I told him I love him and want to make this work, but I can't do it alone. I spoke from my heart, told him how much it hurt, but I'm willing to try, willing to be whatever he needs - if he needs time and space here, and married, I will give him some. I won't push for anything right now. He is making all his decisions based on feelings, and hopping from one decision to another. And, as a friend, I would tell him to stop doing that and put some logic, reason, and action into figuring out what he wants. <P>Then I told him my "friends" told me to not give up on him, to not put his stuff out on the lawn , and that his behavior and feelings are normal. I said, now, you probably don't like to be grouped into something "normal", but that I hoped he would find some comfort in his confusion that his feelings are OK.<P>We started tlking about light stuff - freindly stuff - just chatting and getting along. <P>We'll see what tomorrow brings.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited October 04, 2001).]

Gosh Faith1,<BR>What a trip. WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM!!! Grrrrrrrrrr! Okay, I'm done, now to give you my two cents... I think you should just keep the appointment with Steve for Monday with or without H. Maybe let him know that you are going to go through with the appointment with or without him but see if he has any specific questions? Who knows, he may just change his mind and join you at the last minute. Let him know it's open if he changes his mind, you know, give him the option.<P>I think he is realizing your road to recovery is not going to be all smooth sailing and he is perhaps just doubting himself a little bit. It IS a test of what his love & character & commitment is made of, that's for sure. But I think if he can somehow be reassured of your love and forgiveness that you guys can make it.<P>He just needs to realize that YOUR FEELINGS DO COUNT and he will have to deal with them as they come and go and change. Maybe he is also afraid of hurting you again... I think maybe he just needs reassurance of God's love AND your love (& forgiveness)...(?)

D,<P> Get drunk...lol....hey it worked for me....cept the next day...just kidding of course.<P> Stay strong, don't make any rash decisions. You know the drill. I think he will come around. But even if he doesn't, you'll be the better person and get through it better by not rushing out and doing something on the spur of the moment.<P> Keep us posted.<P> {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{FAITH1}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P> jd<P>

I honestly don't think this is over. Not by a long shot. I'm not sure this is fog, or what. It's obvious that he and the OW are really "over". Now you are dealt with the problem of dealing with the core issues that brought this affair about in the first place. He is unsatisfied. If you guys can work it out somehow, this can really work. But he's got most of the "figuring" to do.<P>You're doing perfectly, though. In my not-so-humble opinion, anyway. I *love* what you said when he asked what your friends thought. He needs to figure out what he wants, and not worry about what others think.<P>Give him an armlength's space. Wait. Watch. Plan A. If there is no chance of repair, as he says, then the next week or two are crucial.

Thanks... he was so friendly late last night and this morning... just sorta silly. <P>BtDt, thanks for the suggestion. You are right. I had NOT even thought of keeping the appointment - I don't know WHY I was going to cancel it. duh... I can call myself, can't I? ANyway... we'll see how it goes. GREAT suggestion - thank you.<P>I know it's not over.. it just felt like it at the time. We had such a nice, open talk as friends when he got home last nite - as I already described a little. I wanted so bad to ask "what now?" - for a commitment or something. I'm so glad I didn't. hehe....<P>roller coaster.... wwwhhhheeeeee.........