Hey everybody. I've posted a few times in the past and always get helpful advice and I thank you all for it. Hopefully there will be someone who has experienced this type of situation and can relate.<P>Ok here's the deal. We were married 10 years with 2 kids. We seperated in Jan 2001, divorced in June. XW had A with her manager. Typical painful story, of course before I found MB I thought my story was very unique, but unfortunately it happens all the time. Do any of you here feel like your lives could be a script for a soap opera? I know I do.<P>Anyway, about a month and a half ago she came to me wanting to work on getting back together. We tried for a few days and everything was going well when I asked her something I should've asked to begin with. "Is OM still in the picture, is he stil a threat?" She told me yes, if he broke up with his girlfriend, it would drive her crazy that he's available and she's not. So I broke it off, I wasn't going to do everything in my power to restore our relationship while she's still having strong feelings for him. Well after about a week or so of very little contact with XW, she came to me again, wanting to get back together. I want her so badly I said ok, we'll hang out some and see how things go but I wanted her to understand that things will never be normal between us until he's gone from her heart forever. She still wanted to be friends with him which I totally hated but thought I'd see how things go for now, hoping I could make her see that I am better than him. A few days went by and she came to me again and this time said that he is no longer a threat. They spoke that day and ended the conversation by saying f*** off and have a good life. She says she has no urge to see him or even speak with him again. This is what I wanted, this is what I waited for for months(seemed like years). <P>So we've been spending a lot of time together. She's spent the night with me and the kids about 12 out of the last 14 nights. I've been extremely happy for the first time in about a year, she's seemed happy. We're talking about our future. She's hinted around about moving in with me. She's telling her friends and family that we're back together. I haven't told anybody on my side, they'll all hate me, but that's ok. I really don't care what they think, I just don't want them to hate me until I'm sure we're going to be ok.<P>Now here's the problem and the problem is within me and that scares me more than anything now. I always knew that she'd come around to wanting me back. Not trying to sound conceited at all, but I've known her for 14 years and I was always very good to her... I knew she'd want me back when she came out of her fog. So her coming around is no surprise. The cause of the problem I'm having is since we seperated I've done a lot of over analyizing of everything, hell, she wouldn't tell me what was going on, it was up to me to try and figure out what she was going through and doing with herself. For 8 months I thought of ways to be a better husband for her. One of the only things she said I did wrong in our marriage was not showing her enough affection or attention(I still think that's in her head but I don't want her to ever feel that way again). Well since we've been working to get back together, the first week or so were perfect, a lot of hugging, holding hands, kissing and just being happy with being around each other. But now for the last couple of days I've gotten nervous. In the past 8 months there were times that we did try and work on our relationship. The first few days would be great then she'd slip back into her fog and things would fizzle. This is the first time she's wanting to be commited to me and get back together, not just "seeing how things go" but actually being committed to me and our lives together. I'm afraid she's going to slip again. I can't help but over analyze things still, trying to look for any indication of happiness or her slipping. It's been hard to just be myself. I want to be the most loving, caring and attentive person in the world to her, but I'm trying too hard. I'm not being the person I was in our marriage, I'm not even being the person I was for the first week in our recovery, where everything came naturally. It's just been the last couple of days. She's commented that she feels like she's on trial. She understands that she has a lot to prove in order for me to trust her again, and she wants to prove herself to me. But she doesn't want to feel like everytime she walks out the door, I'm questioning what she's doing. And I don't question her, I do wonder to myself and she feels that, she can read me like a book. When she doesn't stay at my place she says she feels like I'm driving by to check on her, which I haven't but I do wonder. It's made me try too hard and not be myself, the person she fell in love with in the first place. We have talked about me being paranoid and she does seem to understand that in time that will pass and I will be able to just relax and be myself. But now that I know I'm trying too hard, it makes me more worried that I'm going to push her away by smothering her. I want to be relaxed but trying to be relaxed makes me more nervous that I'm making her feel uncomforable. And also, for the past few days I can tell that it is already affecting her. She hasn't been so enthusiastic about us. She's still talking about our future together but I can tell she's starting to doubt. I don't know what I can do to just be the loving person I've always been to her, to show her more affection, but not seem like I'm trying to be that person. How can I relax and be myself, yet at the same time try to be a better person to her? How can I learn to trust her again without her feeling like she's on trial? I believe that us just spending time together will cause that nervousness to pass, but when she's feeling uncomfortable because of me she probably doesn't want to spent more time with me.<P>So anyway I am very happy that we're getting back together. I know our lives together can be better than it ever was before. I do believe that this won't happen again because we both will be aware that our relationship isn't perfect, and we'll always be trying to keep things new and exciting, keeping it out of the rut it got in. I know I just need to relax, stop rushing things(which is very hard), stop analyzing everything, quit looking for her to fail and just be happy that we're working together on a common goal. But god it's hard trying to just be myself. I feel like I'm on trial too(not her fault). I feel like I need to prove myself to her. Show her why I'm worthy of her affection. Show her that I can keep her happy. Show her that I do love her as much as I do.<P>It's all a lot of stuff to think about, and I think about it all too much. I am encouraged that we'll end up being happy together, but I'm scared to death that I'm f****** things up by trying too hard.<P>I don't know if anyone can help. Really just writing out things here seems to help. But any advice or related stories would be most appreciated. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this.<P>kb4jb<p>[This message has been edited by kb4jb (edited October 04, 2001).]

kb-<P>IMO, you are afraid of getting hurt again (very understandable)! But if you want things to truly workout between you and your XW, you have to be willing to go through it again (hopefully it will NEVER happen). It is a chance that we all take when we try to recover from an A.<P>Tell her what YOU need to feel "safe" in the relationship. If she is willing to do this for you, then by all means, let yourself go. Trust is a very difficult thing to get back, but you have to start somewhere. <P>Would it help you if she called you when she left the house? Could she call you when she got to her destination? Is she willing to take extraordinary precautions to get your trust back? <P>Just figure out WHY you are feeling standoffish. If it is the getting hurt thing, then you KNOW that if it ever happened again, then you could get over it--hey, you have already done it before. I don't think your family will hate you for making yourself happy. There might be dissapointment, but they are just caring for you (the one they love). Tell them that this is something you need to do for yourself, and am willing to give it another chance----no regrets.<P>I think families want the best for us, but only you know what will make you truly happy! I'm not saying that you won't get hurt, but are you willing to take that chance again? We are all very vunerable to anyone. So, if you started a NEW relationship with someone else, aren't you in the same boat?<P>Just tell your XW what YOU need to get past these feelings---and she can tell you what she needs as well. You will get past this---You will look back and say: Look what I have been through, but look at the M I have now---It just might have been all worth it! <P>Hugs to you, <BR>Krystal

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Faith n Him:<BR><B>IMO, you are afraid of getting hurt again (very understandable)! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yep, that's true. I am afraid of this failing and being hurt but I have been through this already(like you said), and I know I can get through anything now. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Would it help you if she called you when she left the house? Could she call you when she got to her destination? Is she willing to take extraordinary precautions to get your trust back? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm afraid this would make her feel more on trial. And besides she uses her cell phone. I'd never really know if she is where she says she is. She gets very defensive very easliy(has always been like that).<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Just figure out WHY you are feeling standoffish.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think it's mainly because we have tried in the past months to restore our marriage but because she wouldn't commit at all, it always failed. I don't want it to this time, it's the most real attempt on her part to get back what we had. We're closer than we've been in a long time to things being back to normal.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I don't think your family will hate you for making yourself happy. There might be dissapointment, but they are just caring for you (the one they love). Tell them that this is something you need to do for yourself, and am willing to give it another chance----no regrets.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>They've already told me that if we get back together, they'll disown me. But it will be their loss. If they don't want me around they won't be around my children either, which they all love.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>So, if you started a NEW relationship with someone else, aren't you in the same boat?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Very good point. I haven't even thought of that. Maybe it would be better for me to treat this like a new relationship and not a rebuilding process. We could rediscover each other and learn things about each other we didn't already know. Heck she didn't even know I could juggle until she saw me juggling for the kids the other day.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Just tell your XW what YOU need to get past these feelings---and she can tell you what she needs as well. You will get past this---You will look back and say: Look what I have been through, but look at the M I have now---It just might have been all worth it! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you for the encouragement. I do believe with all my heart that it will be worth it. I just need to get past my feelings of doubt and fear.<P>Thank you again Krystal!<P>kb4jb<P>