Hi all, <P>Hope the site is up and running! <P>Well, my W told me Tuesday night that she is going to file for divorce. I know she's serious because she cashed in some stocks. I told her that I wish we could agree to a separation, but she said not if it means her leaving the house. I may suggest we sell the house and try a separation with 50/50 shared custody. If she declines, I'll suggest we sell the house anyway right away. I don't see how we can go through a divorce under these circumstances while living together. My resentment for her will only get worse and our daughter will see that. I need to be away from her for my own emotional well being. She needs to see what life without me is like and the affect this will have on our daughter before it's too late. It may already be too late. <P>She asked me if I had retained a lawyer because she would rather send the paperwork to him than have me served at work. I said I hadn't and to just have me served at work and that's it a little too late to worry about humiliating me (I know, an LB, but it's a joke that she is concerned about humiliating or hurting me now). <P>Yesterday was rough. It was my W's b-day and her parents came over. I had to put on the happy face and make the best of it for my daughter's sake. <P>I've been tempted to tell her that I've had access to her voice mail for months and let her know some of the messages I've heard from OM, but if she hasn&#8217;t admitted anything yet, she never will. Somehow she'll find a way to deny anything is/was going on. It doesn't really matter, the bottom line is she doesn't want to be with me or give our marriage a chance. If she won't agree to sell the house and separate, there's not much I can do but move on and prepare for a custody battle. I'm just so worn out. I feel so sorry for our daughter, she deserves better than this. She is going to be crushed, but that's my W's cross to bear. <P>sad dad

(((SadDad))) I'm so sorry. It really makes it so much harder when there are young children. Can you find someplace to live that's really close by? I think that if you do leave, it might make your W really look at what she's been doing. Wish I had more to say, just wanted you to know I'm feeling badly for you.

SD,<P>Sorry to hear that buddy! I do know what you are going through. I just had to leave my house that we just bought just before I came to work. I have three children ages 1, 8 and 10. It is going to be a long row to hoe for me. I don't like the idea of AM being at my house around my children. I am their father and I just don't think it is right. She wants me to file for divorce next time I am home in two weeks. I don't like the idea of that either. I just feel for you and I want you to know that you are in my prayers. I feel your pain because I have the same pain.<P><BR>Regards and best wishes<P>Roughneck

SD, I'm so sorry, hun. But you were ready for something to happen - anything. right? Keep us posted. I agree that bringing up accusations or proof of her A's is basically pointless - other than just to make you feel better.<P>I'll be posting an update on myself asap. I've had major GQ withdrawals.... ugh [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . THings "ain't" going so well for me these days. But I don't think the fat lady is singing yet.<P>Keep hanging in there. You've been so strong. Stay strong for you and your daughter. Here's a big hug for energy. Take care of yourself.<P>{{{{{{Sad Dad}}}}}}}}

Just to clarify something, due to a potential custody battle, I cannot leave. The only thing I can do is hope she agrees to sell the house, we each find apartments and share custody of our daughter equally until while we get through this. Anything else would jeopardize any slim chance I have of custody. I don't want full custody, and would never get it, I just want my daughter to live with me.<P>sad dad

Sad Dad,<P>I'm Sorry what's going down. I have been following your situation, because it's something what I'm going through. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Take Care<P>Dino

So sorry Sad Dad, not much advice, just know I know the pain you are feeling, and my prayers are with you. Sally

Not much time to respond. I just want to thank you all for your support. This couldn't happen at a worse time. My mother has alzhiemers and my sister's and I have to go to court to have her proven incompetant so we can put her in a nursing home. I really need my W right now and wish I had her to lean on. But, I'll deal with that and my divorce and I'll be a better person for it in the end.<P>sad dad<p>[ October 11, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]

SD- sorry to hear that your update is not what you had hoped for. Nevertheless at least you wont have to live in emotional limbo anymore wondering what is is your W has in mind. At the very least you can take comfort in the fact that you tried your very hardest to work things out. That says much about YOUR strength of character. I suppose your W will file under 'irreconcilable differences' thats they polite way that they file to avoid facing the reality of what they did.My H used that excuse when he filed. I think the no-fault divorce rules are so damaging to childrens lives. They reduce the legality of marriage down to a matter of temporary feelings rather than a life long commitment.I certainly hope you file back on grounds of adultery and emotional cruelty. Surely this should have some impact on the custody ruling- I know in OH it does influence many judges regarding custody. Can you name OM in your divorce reply? You should if possible. What about suing him for alienation of affection? Some states still allow this. Ask your attorney about it. lifeismessy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I've been tempted to tell her that I've had access to her voice mail for months and let her know some of the messages I've heard from OM,<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>As tempting as it is to “rub her face in it” you don’t want to go to jail. Yes it can happen. Just keep quiet about it. You know it and she will deny it. Anyway, if you were to bring up the voicemail and she’ll say, “I knew you would hear it. That is why I did it.”<p>[ October 12, 2001: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]

lim,<P>I may file back on the grounds of adultery and mental cruelty. I can't prove adultery, but I can prove their relationship and the many lies to conceal it, that should qualify as mental cruelty. As far as alienation of affection, I'll have to consult a lawyer.<P>I hope she agrees to sell the house ASAP. At least I'll be able to remove myself from a painful situation and move on to some degree. <P>I told my daughter that we would have to sell the house and that Mommy and Daddy wouldn't be living together anymore. She got very upset. She's only 3 and I didn't know if she would understand what I meant, but she did. I probably shouldn't have done this without talking about it with my W, but I wanted to see what my daughter's reaction would be. It's a reality we'll all have to face. If nothing else, this will be a reality check for my W when she talks to her about it.<P>chris,<P>I don't know if it's illegal to check her voice mail, but I agree it's probably pointless. I planted a telephone recorder in the house 6 months ago, and when she found out she said she knew I was listening and said what she did to hurt me. What a crock! <P>sad dad<p>[ October 12, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]

Dear sad dad,<BR>All I can offer you are big hugs and my condolences. It's so sad and soooo preventable when both parties are willing to try... I'm so sorry your wife feels this determined to leave your marriage behind. I will also offer my prayers of support and believing that your recovery from all this will boost you to a whole new level of contentment and love because your standards are being reshaped. It just may take a while to cross the line (like jogging a marathon rather than running a sprint.) You'll make it! One step at a time...

sad dad,<P>My heart goes out to you. {{{{{sad dad}}}} Ok, I know that hugs are not a guy thing but I know that we secretly need them. I admire your devotation to your daughter and your efforts to reconcile. I can see you've grown and learned a lot coming to the site. Don't forget though that your daughter still needs her mother. I know you are being strong but remember not to come between them, even on your bad days. Take care and peace. I'm working my butt off trying to avoid what you are about to experience. If nothing else, I feel like I have single-handedly paid for the new computer upgrade that MB put in. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<BR>SG

sg,<P>I would never stand in between my W and my daughter. My W is a wonderful mother, and up until the last year she was a wonderful W.<BR>As things go on, if I feel my daughter would be happier with my W, I may have to let her go and just appreciate the time I will get to spend with her. My daughter has been the most important thing in my life since the second she was born. Everything I've put up with this past year and everything that the future holds will be with her happiness first and foremost.<P>sad dad

Well, I talked to my W about selling the house. I asked her if she hasn't already filed, would she consider a separation if we sell the house. She said she'd think about it. I said in any case (separation or D) it's something we will need to do anyway and I'd like to do it ASAP. I think I sent the message that I'm ready to move on, yet keep the door open. I'll keep you all updated. Right now, I just want to be away from her, for my own well being and to give her a glimpse of life without me and to see the affect this will have on our daughter.<P>I've tried to find out if contact with OM is continuing, but have been unable to find anything. I assume they're just being very careful. I'm not naive enough to think it's over.<P>sad dad<p>[ October 15, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]

It's been over a week, and my W still hasn't filed. The check she received when she sold her stocks is still where she put it the day she received it. What is she waiting for?<P>My W starts a junior achievement program after work today. That's where she met OM last year and how this all started. She knows I know this. I should know soon if he is again in JA with her. If he is, it just shows her total disregard for me or our marriage. It'll be time to move on.<P>I'm going away for a "guys" weekend. When I get back, I'll bring up selling the house and separation again. I will also suggest we start severing the financial ties. It's time for me to take control of my life and stop waiting for her to do something.<P>sad dad

SD- I'm glad you updated your situation. I have been concerned about how things are going with you.YOur W is like my H was in the fact that they both claim to insist they want a divorce but they dont want to face the financial actual consequences of it. I wasnt surprised that your W filed on you as I told you in a previous post to you because she was STUCK and not making any kind of attempt to work on your marriage. She also probably was hoping YOU would file on HER as my H wanted me to do- so to lessen their guilt about filing first. I personally think your W may come to her senses when she starts seeing the ACTUAL consequences of what she is doing. This is why I took a firm stand with my H that if he filed on me I was going to contest it all and there would be no 'being friends' from then on. So far your W has been living in two worlds and not had the consequences hit her over the head. Hopefully when it happens she will 'wake up!!" like my H did and SEE what she is DOING!!!!Like your W my H refused to tell our kids that he filed on me and wanted a divorce. That is yet another piece of evidence that they are not in REALITY LAND. I hope your wkend away does some good for your emotional health. Take care- lifeismessy

lim,<P>You wrote "I wasn't surprised that your W filed on you". I don't know if this was a typo or not, but my W hasn't filed. <P>I think I have to make it clear to my W that although I do not want a D and that this is her choice, I am prepared to sell the house, sever the financial ties and begin to get on with my life, while not closing the door on our marriage.<P>You are right in that so far my W has yet to see the consequences of the choices she's made. She's been able to stay in our house and reap the benefits of my income, which is about $25k more than hers. I'm not saying that our house and my income is a reason for her to stay married to me, but it sure makes it more comfortable for her as she rides the fence and keeps me twisting in the wind.<P>sad dad

I suggest you go to a lawyer, a good one, and start the paperwork for divorce. The wheels of the court can grind in your favor, whether you want to bring her back or not. It will certainly force her to face her choices. If not today or tomorrow, most certainly at deposition time.<P>Until that moment when the clouds break and the bright light of day shines upon her life and she can do nothing but face it, square and without denial, you'll be facing the greatest rancor and lie-fest you've ever seen.<P>It took my wife reading her deposition, and my lawyer was really good, to realize what she had done.<P>Good luck!<P>Bama

SD- You're right- I do realize that your W HASNT filed on you yet though she says that she is going to. I know you are curious to why she hasnt done it yet when she says she will. Personally I am betting that she is like my H in that she has the idea that it can be amicable, simple, a relief etc to file. My H kept begging me to agree to a dissolution type divorce to save money- we'd had both have to agree that we had irreconcilable differences I told him I would NEVER agree to that type of divorce. He'd have the whole enchilada or nothing at all. Do you think OM is pressuring your W to divorce you? That certainly contributed to my H filing on me- it was lots of pressure from OW! If I were you I WOULDNT file for D on your W first. Why should YOU do her dirty work for her? If she wants in the mud she can get her hands dirty first.lifeismessy