Wow, it was like major withdrawal not being able to get on here these last few days. My H hit a major rock bottom last week, when I caught him (yet again) in continued contact with OW. I think it's finally over though. H had a big secret he was keeping from me, and says that's why he continued to re-contact and start things up again with OW. It seems they'd made a sex tape, and she wouldn't give it to him. He was so afraid that we'd be well into recovery and that she'd send it to me, and he thought I'd never get over that...<P>Funny thing was, I already knew there was a tape! Back in May when my H broke it off with OW the first time, I was listening to his voicemails at his apartment. I heard a message where OW was crying to him that "the broken tape I gave you IS the tape." Well, turns out it wasn't.<P>So my problem right now has been my lack of trust. Most times I believe my H is being truthful, but I'm so afraid to open my heart yet again, only to have it stomped on.<P>My H is currently staying with his sister to give me time to see if I still want to work on recovery after the last 2 1/2 months of his continued lying and renewing contact. I know that I still love him, but am so afraid.<P>How do we get past this?

Hi - yup, I too missed the forums. Nothing like discovering continued contact to warm your heart! I had a similar discovery in August (d-day 2). You know, I have really learned to trust my gut. With each discovery, and each of H's claims to want to "work on things", the distance would start to creep back in within a few weeks. You know, some good days, but I always felt something between us. Well, turns out it was true. I discovered hidden e-mail accounts (2 of them), and evidence of chat room connections (anyone familiar with "Lavalife". The shock of it all was very difficult, however H (only when cornered) did admit to all of this stuff. Gave me access to e-mail where I found several on-going flirtatious discussions with 3-4 women, one reply from a hooker (he claims no direct contact with her), and, the best one...e-mails from a couple he was trying to set up a threesome with on a night he was out-of-town for business (it happened to be my birthday!). OK, I'm venting. On the positive side, all of his confessions (I got a few more that were volunteered) and his emotional plea for me to stay with him - he wants to end all of the underground stuff - has lead to a rather nice 10 days. We're taking it one day at a time. I just wanted ALL of the garbage on the table - this discovering something else new and terrible every couple of weeks/months has really paralyzed me. I wish you the best of luck, and I encourage you to have faith in how total honesty (no matter how painful) can be very healing. For the first time since D-day 1 (Jan 2001), I am feeling like I can begin to trust again - the feeling between us is different - more genuine. I sure hope I'm right. I wish you truth and eventual trust as well...

Myownme,<P>Yep, that blackmail stuff gets them almost everytime. OW in my case threatened to tell me stuff if H did not return her house key in person. Hm.... dumb H. H fell for that line and when he returned her key (he was going to mail it, didn't know he even had it -I think she planted it in his truck) and left, OW left a 'nice' voicemail for me pretending to be leaving a message for H. Hm..... she tried that again a few days ago. <P>So it happens. Coupled with withdrawal makes recovery hard. Hang in there. Not much more to say than just get in as many hugs from the H as you can handle. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Thanks so much for the replies. It was really hard not having all of you to talk to this last few days. I've done a lot of praying and asking God for discernment, guidance and truth. I'm at peace most of the time, but then there are times when my mind starts replaying the last few months; all the lies, all the emotions, all of it. It's so hard. I could use some more advice from others who have been here.

Our dday was Aug 20,00..and the contact continued for 3 months,he never saw her again but talked by phone and E-Mail. He was in withdrawal and had ended it on his own by the time I discovered it.<BR> She has attempted to contact him many times since then. I phoned her myself in Dec..didn;t make her stop. He called her in March, with me on the extension,and did a good no-contact. <P>But then I screwed up...I had a seminar around the corner from where she wroks and I went into the store and told her I was there by E-Mail. She and I had a five day long E-Mail cat fight basically. She "loves<BR>him and will wait forever, is what I got out of it.GREAT...but I didn't tell my H.<P>He says he "Felt" that I had been in contact with her and didn't want to ask me...hmmm...so he called her this last July...to tell her his AIDS test was negative,on the surface,but he says it was REALLY to see if I had been in contact. He didn't tell me he called her...until again,cornered.They had a pleasant 20 minute long conversation!! But all he wanted was information..Yeah,right.<P>I have said to him that I feel he has/had a hidden agenda. He feels so sorry for her...she has left her M and is living with her parents..She changed from being a "step above white trash" to a "poor thing again.YUCK.<BR>He say I opened the door..but I feel he could have told me his feellings and asked me if he could call her to verify.But he CERTAINLY knew that if he had done, That I would have #1-told him I had talked to her and#2-he wouldn't have gotten to talk to her.<P>She didn't contact him after she and I talked but she DID contact him AGAIN on Sept.11,I feel, because HE opened the door.He blames ME...because i wasn't honest.<P>I guess I'm venting...sorry...