Glad to see it looks like all is well here again. Below is the update post I tried to post last night and was warned to save just before it vanished before my eyes. (Very interesting bugs in this new forum). Here you are:<P>Well, I haven't been here in ages. It's nice to be here reading. I'm done with work for the day- the hubby's out at a band meeting, the kids are quietly watching tv... ahh... Some "me" time with my puter. <P>Of course I had to come see my friends here. How is everyone? It's going to take me all night to try to check up on people! A new forum, huh? And from the looks of the first post it's brand new. Not sure I like change Steve- the old one worked fine (except for occasional slow downs in GQ2). <P>Anyhow, as for an update on me. I hardly know where or how to begin or even if I have anything to say. I guess that's why I haven't been here. I really have just moved on emotionally. Not dwelling there anymore. In fact I rarely think about it, and it doesn't have but a mere fraction of the emotional impact it used to when I do. I kind of felt like I had to just get away from here a while to see how I did. <BR>I did good. Not withstanding missing the friends I made, I discovered that I am healing, and I really am just fine and pretty normal again, if I ever was normal . <BR>I owe that in such a large part to this forum. You guys were here to pick up the pieces of my scattered marbles on many occasions. I also owe it to all the people that shared thier most intimate and deepest hurts, fears, and experiences that I was given a chance to read and respond to. <P>For those out there who are new, I recommend highly responding to others if you feel you can. It was very therapeutic for me to help all of you and offer my two bits of advice on various situations. It was helpful beyond words to see that I was going through this, but not alone, and my situation was about as common as rain. Even my craziest fears, and even right down to some of the detail, you all shared your stories with me, and I read my own in them. It helped... ALOT. I just want to hug you all. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{marriage builders}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} <P>We are all survivors here, and I know we will all survive. What a wonderful feeling! One back last March 2001 (D-day-s) I would have never imagined possible. <P>I am back to work. I am still with my H. Our family and kids are doing well. My H and I still have trouble sometimes. In general I am alot less likely to take any crap now, that is for sure. It's also not quite yet the same commitment, I'm alot more likely to think to myself, why am I with this jerk (If he's acting like a jerk, which he is known to do), and think of divorce- where as before I never did. <P>But the good news now is that I am in a place where I can think rationally, and if it doesn't work out then it will be well thought out and I can honestly say I did eveything I knew to do to save it, and it won't be bitter and devastating.<BR> <BR>Someday I hope to ge to the point where I will be 100% recommitted - for good - instead of for right now, but till then it's enough to be in a rational place again and not tortured by panick attacks and the like anymore. Amen. I think you know what I mean. <BR>I wish I could say that my h has adopted the principals as easily as I have, or even read all the books deeper than the first chapter. Sigh. <P>But, marriage is a choice I choose to keep, and I do love him, and I have forgiven him the mistakes of the past. If we can avoid the LB's of the future- all should go well. I try not to predict or think to far ahead to be honest. Right now I guess that is how I have forgiven and found a sense of normalcy in life again. <P>Well that's my update 7 months past d-day. Not bad I say. Now to go try to find some folks I know and meet some new ones. Hope I get to come back soon, if not take care all, and thank you! <P>ScaredInNY <P>PS to old timers- anyone ever here from BellDandy after that incident with her H?

Hey NY...good to hear from you.<P>6th months past d-day and my H and I are also still together...and, like you say, the commitment level is different. He still looks like a hunted rabbit and says that he's there but he doesn't want to be.<P>But, we've had some positive moments too. Of course, I just tried to call him and his cell is off...so now I'm all on edge...I HATE the moments of doubt.<P>I just got Harley's new book "Fall In Love Stay In Love." It is a nice compilation of all his concepts.<P>Take care,<BR>Cali

Hi!! Wow, so great to hear an update from you! Haven't heard from you in a while.<P>thanks so much for all YOUR help. My H and I are back together as well, and I hope to be where you are soon.<P>H is finally out of the fog, OW is out of our lives completely and we're in counseling. Things are going good, although I still haven't forgiven him and I am having lots of resentment/anger...<P>It sounds like it does get better, but it is slow...<P>HbH

Hi guys! i'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond. My inability to get here like I used to is half the reason you haven't heard from me, I apologize.<P>Cali, it's great to hear from you! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You and your H are still together- I am very immpressed, and confused. He's still acting like he is in the A, is he? Are you living together still? If so, you deserve the patience of a saint award. More details! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>HurtHubby, it's great too hear from you too! Your H is out of the fog, what wonderful news! How are things going? What was it that finally snapped him back into reality?<P>NY

Details? hmmm. It's a long story.<BR>There were a couple, well--more than a couple, turning points.<P>#1. Trip to Vegas. Took boys to Phoenix and we drove up to Vegas for a week. Discovered OW had a trip planned the same time. Pure coincidence, but it set into motion some interesting things. Her H discovered our trip and emailed me about it. She discovered he emailed me and called my H and LB'd. Then, I erased some phone calls from my H's cell and he found out. I posted about it and, because OW's H lurks here, he found out she was still calling my H and was setting up a way to contact him in Vegas. This caused the biggest LB session between them on the phone. He had to 'defend' me because I was the innocent party and she didn't like that. During the trip to Vegas, they did meet...but apparently she had been 'with' someone else...and actually told my H about it. (She's got some real issues.) Anyway the trip to Vegas was good for us as we were together almost 24/7. Had some powerful talks, a few LB's and some rocking SF.<P>#2. Once home he was going to leave again, but I begged him not to. Not one of my finer moments. However, at this same time we had a discovery about our boys which was traumatic and I think this propelled H to stay. (I don't feel comfortable going into too much detail on this one.)<P>#3. I go on a weekend conference. I invite H, but he declines to come with me. When I return, we are in the middle of S**, when he asks me if I did 'this' with anyone else on my weekend. I laugh hysterically...but tell him no, only in my dreams...I guess he's starting to realize that if he and I do separate, he's not too crazy about me being with someone else.<P>#4. A former co-worker invites me to go on a trip with he and some other guys over Thanksgiving to visit with some other co-workers...very platonic. H lost his mind over this. REALLY! In fact, the next day I trip and go out for drinks purposefully not telling him my plans. I turned my cell off so he couldn't reach me. H again loses his mind 'cause he thinks I've left on the weekend...he missed the Thanksgiving detail. He was very jealous.<P>#4. I have d-day #2 regarding a really young-un. They just 'talk' and she 'understands' him. Pullease...a 41 yr old and a 18 yr old. Does he really think I'm crazy? Anyway, I get through this with no LB's...just say does he really think someone half his age should really be able to 'understand' him? Does he really think she's not telling all her friends she has a teacher on her tip? And I pressed redial and played the special 'shout out' she had on her voice mail for him. That shook him up.<P>So, he and OW have had little contact. No cell phone calls since Sept 5...but he could be calling her from school. Phone calls continue to Young-un, but they are never longer than 2 minutes in duration. He has taken his wedding ring off and won't put it back on...still says he's here but doesn't want to be...but when I tell him he's free to leave, he hasn't taken me up on it. And, I do mean it...it still brings tears to my eyes, but not as many.<P>I have been really praying for intercession for him...and somedays I can really see a difference. I keep hoping with less to no contact and with the holiday season coming up (a brother and sister he is close to will be here) things will gain a certain perspective for him.<P>And, recently, he did ask me to come with him to SanDiego to a conference he had to be at...I was really surprised! Then we got new cell phones. I asked him not to give out the number or call from it...he didn't like it and I doubt he will do it, but I had to ask.<P>I also have three very strong women at work who work hard to keep my spirits up...I am not as openly Christian as they are...but they have taken the time to pray for me and it does soothe my spirit.<P>I was glad to read that you are still in recovery...<BR>Take care,<BR>Cali

Good grief Cali!<P>I am in awe that you even still care to save your marriage, you must be below dry in your love tank. My heart just sinks and goes out to you. <P>I hope your H understands TODAY, what a jewel of a wife he has and finally breaks out of this fog and treats you like you deserve. You deserve a whole jacket full of medals, and to be placed on a pedestal, and treated like the Goddess you are! How do you do it? (and you don't have to answer that due to your circumstances, but I will reflect on it).<P>Thank you for the update, I haven't had time to read even close to enough on here lately, and the one night I did it wasn't working. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Hang in there- you are my hero. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <P>NY [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <B>TODAY</B>

An interesting script error caused my bold on today and shocked faces to nt appear where they should- I will write it in tech posting- soory. The shock faces go on top and the word today in my reply I tried to bold, not repeat. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] LOL, gotta love technology.

Hi. Well, I know you can kind of see where I am from my other post, but here's a few details:<P>As you know, H went PA in June (and we talked on the phone). It only lasted 3 weeks and when he thinks back on it now, he absolutely HATES the OW and thinks she used him like there was no tomorrow (she did) when he was in the lowest point he's even been at in his life (true).<P>We make fun of her all the time now, it's kind of fun actually. She was pretty gross... I know that sounds horrible, but it's a way that we heal. H has so many triggers now, it's unbelievable, and all of them just trigger guilt, hatred towards OW, and anger at himself.<P>Anyway, I think sex with her really was the turning point. Here was this women who wasn't as wonderful as his mind made her out to be, then there was me, still here, waiting for him to grow up and figure things out. <P>Counseling had a huge impact as well. He started that while in EA (after PA ended), and I think that really helped him to realize I wasn't this monster he made me out to be. <P>My H has real issues with tranferring his anger for OTHER stuff on to me (as you can see from my other post). Apparently this is alot bigger than I thought it was, I knew he did it, but I didn't realize the extent of it. It's not good at all...<P>But, we're in counseling, I still have my doubts that he will stick with it. I think he will run away or give up. That's why episodes like my other post really hit home. There he goes running away again cuz' he's mad at me because I don't love him after he had an affair.<P>So sorry. I am a person, y'no??<P>Thanks for asking...<BR>HbH

Hi. Well, I know you can kind of see where I am from my other post, but here's a few details:<P>As you know, H went PA in June (and we talked on the phone). It only lasted 3 weeks and when he thinks back on it now, he absolutely HATES the OW and thinks she used him like there was no tomorrow (she did) when he was in the lowest point he's even been at in his life (true).<P>We make fun of her all the time now, it's kind of fun actually. She was pretty gross... I know that sounds horrible, but it's a way that we heal. H has so many triggers now, it's unbelievable, and all of them just trigger guilt, hatred towards OW, and anger at himself.<P>Anyway, I think sex with her really was the turning point. Here was this women who wasn't as wonderful as his mind made her out to be, then there was me, still here, waiting for him to grow up and figure things out. <P>Counseling had a huge impact as well. He started that while in EA (after PA ended), and I think that really helped him to realize I wasn't this monster he made me out to be. <P>My H has real issues with tranferring his anger for OTHER stuff on to me (as you can see from my other post). Apparently this is alot bigger than I thought it was, I knew he did it, but I didn't realize the extent of it. It's not good at all...<P>But, we're in counseling, I still have my doubts that he will stick with it. I think he will run away or give up. That's why episodes like my other post really hit home. There he goes running away again cuz' he's mad at me because I don't love him after he had an affair.<P>So sorry. I am a person, y'no??<P>Thanks for asking...<BR>HbH

Hurt,<P>I'm sorry I took so long to come back and find your reply. Good over-all news, I'm happy for you. Thank you for filling me in! I'm real glad you guys are seeing counselors! Any diagnosis?<P>Hang in there!<P>NY [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]