My wife has moved out of our home two week ago yesterday. She is staying at her sisters, which is only a couple of miles from our house. My d-day was 05/07/01. W is WS and was in an affair that lasted over two years before it was revealed. I am a Christian and found forgiveness on day three after d-day. I read many books and other material and developed a pretty good sense of the whole A thing.<P>My problem is that while I agree with the SAA on returning love to the marriage through this plan A stuff, I was only capable of doing it about 75% of the time. I had and still have to a point, an absolute obsession with having my W see the A and the OM as I do. How can any good man carry on an A with a respectful Married woman for two years? In my mind it just ain&#8217;t going to happen. Although my W stayed in the house I could always tell she cried and yearned to be with him. This makes me sick. I am a good man, we have a good family, we have a great church family we have a great life, but I guess we don&#8217;t have &#8220;love&#8221;.<P>W says she has not contacted OM in the 5 months. Tells same to her family and our church leaders. I kinda believe her but have no reason to. She has now moved out to be honest with her self, which is something I was pushing for (her to be honest&#8212;not to move out). She now tells me he is in her heart and always will be. She must pursue him or will be forever wondering (this is even making me sick to write). She is now seeking some kind of legal separation because she believes she can&#8217;t contact him until she has something in writing. For some crazy reason she thinks it will me ok with the church if she is legally separated, she does not understand this is not going to be biblical no matter what. <P>Sorry for rambling, here&#8217;s my question. I want my wife and son back in our home. I understand I need to let this thing go and give God time to work on her heart. She now is convinced that she as made that first move and is not &#8220;turning back&#8221;, although it was always supposed to be some time to &#8220;sort things out&#8221;. I am a married man. I am a stayer, not a quitter, that is how I am wired. I have now convinced myself to try to win her back. We spent some time Wednesday together taking a walk and having dinner at church. I tried to follow up and she is now turning on me like I am messing with her head. I am really getting crazy here. I don&#8217;t know if I can swallow anymore if she does reestablish contact with OM. She seems to now ignore me and my advances. So what do you think--- full court press or pull my head out of the sand and move on?

need2know.<P>Plan A'ing 75% of the time is GOOD especially in the early stages...hey nobody can possibly keep Plan A up 100% of the time.<P>And you forgave her after three days? Well, I seriously doubt that, cos I thought I had forgiven, over, and over, and over again. The reason I didn't was because I kept finding out stuff, and that would put me back to square 1.<P>Now, you seem to have a good grasp of the concepts here, and you have probably read that if you push the WS, they will always and without fail pull in the other direction. So you need to stop pushing. Leave her be, and that is hard I know, especially when it goes completely against your values. But if you try to convince her to come back, forget the OM, it won't help.<P>The A must be allowed to die a natural death. If you force it, she will always balme you and pine for him. At present, she says it has been five months since it ended...things change in five months. He may have someone else. He may not WANT her now she is "free"...the thrill of the chase thing, y'know.<P>Let it go, let her go and make mistakes, and she may come out of her fog. But from all I have read here, you push, and all you do is push them back into the fog.<P>i hope I don't sound too harsh!!! Just want to help!<P>Love and light<P>Jacky

need2know,<BR>Stick with it, you have to be patience. Until she is in recovery you can not demand anything or expect anything. You have to give, think of it like unconditional love that Jesus has. Even Bible tells you that one spouse could save the other!. Forget about her action or word or her state of mind, she is in the fog, it is about you when you are in plan A. Do anything to get her back in the house or at least prepared so that she feels welcome any time she wants to come home. It is a lot easier to do plan A w/ close proximity but it is very hard on you. Keep praying and ask God to give you strength for the 25%, avoid anything about her A in front of her. Rejecting you once in a while is normal, do not get discourage.

Thank you very much. It really hurts but I believe you are right about this natural death of the A. I just don't know if I can recommit after an above board slap in the face. Also, I am not sitting on the bench to see if I make the team. I know that is not the best way to stay married but I hope for the best. Please pray for me and my family. Peace, Love, Hope.

But if you try to convince her to come back, forget the OM, it won't help.<P>The A must be allowed to die a natural death. If you force it, she will always balme you and pine for him. At present, she says it has been five months since it ended...things change in five months. He may have someone else. He may not WANT her now she is "free"...the thrill of the chase thing, y'know.<P>Let it go, let her go and make mistakes, and she may come out of her fog. But from all I have read here, you push, and all you do is push them back into the fog.<P>i hope I don't sound too harsh!!! Just want to help!<P>Love and light<P>Jacky[/QB][/QUOTE]<P>this is great. thanks. but do you mean i should try to get her back and forget the OM or not try and see if she comes out of the fog? the problem is i don't think i can wait if she reconnects to OM. thanks for your comments, i really apreiciate them. love,joy,peace.

If she only moved out 2 weeks ago, I think you are probably still in shock! At least you are still in an adjustment period. Don't make too many decisions! It is way too soon for that!

need2know<BR>this is my first post here, although I have been lurking for six months or so. I just had to respond. <P>I too am a Christian, actively involved in my church since childhood. I am the WS in our marriage of almost 17 years. Though my A was physically short-lived, my heart was involved for much longer. I can honestly say that if my husband had not been patient with me, letting me mourn this loss and come to grips with "reality", there is no way I would be home now. <P>Please, do not let your impatience with your wife hurt this situation any further. Your marriage is a worthy goal, worthy for you, your son and your wife. When you feel your impatience bubbling up, try to step back from the emotion, let God handle it all. Her heart, your heart.<P>God is still actively working in my life and my husbands, however, I believe that sometimes the temptation is to get in there and "help" Him out. Don't do it. <P>Artemis

[God is still actively working in my life and my husbands, however, I believe that sometimes the temptation is to get in there and "help" Him out. Don't do it. <P>Artemis[/QB][/QUOTE]<P>Thanks. I know you are right, I must let God change us. It's really hard and I would really apriciate you praying for us. God bless. Love,Joy,Hope