First, this is a question from Roll Me Away. Like others, my user name is showing as "yes".<P>I have been here a fairly long time. Although my marriage was not saved, I definitely believe in the principles espoused here. I continue to read and occasionally post, because I believe that there is still alot I can learn about relationships and want to be successful in my next marriage. <P>This is what I am wondering. How can you tell if an annoyance in a relationship will become a "fatal flaw" or not? I hope I can explain what I am trying to sort out. Each of us has annoying behaviors and irritating habits. If we do things right, we fill out emotional needs questionaires with our mates, so we can know what is MOST IMPORTANT. We focus our efforts on those most important needs. Since we are human, and all have our own peculiarities, how then can you tell if something you are doing, which isn't on the top 5 emotional needs, later becomes the "fatal flaw" that your mate focuses on for the reason in wanting to move away from the relationship?<P>I know we are each supposed to work on eliminating annoying and irritating habits, but nobody is perfect, so we each still exhibit some undesirable behaviors to some degree. I just really want to do things right, and have pondered this for a long time. <P>Any thoughts??<P>Desiree

Just so you know, only the cool people get to be "yes" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Hi <B>Desi</B>,<P>Okay, I am married a second time, as you know, and this question is very provocative... I have been reading a book about second marriages, and it discusses this at length.<P>The example it gives is so interesting: A woman divorces her first H who is abusive. Her second H is a sweetheart, not abusive at all. However, they are having problems... why?... because second H does not do yard work... first H was a great landscaper, and it was one of the things she LOVED about him. <P>My H and I discussed this right at the moment I read it, because we had just had a similiar situation...<P>I am not sure you can "cover" all the bases with regard to these "little things" that can become "fatal flaws"... whether it becomes fatal depends on the receiver (like LB's, which are determined by the receiver). <P>I suppose it would behoove a person to do a thorough search of their likes/dislikes and try to determine, ahead of time, what the most important "little things" are. That is besides the all-important EN's.<P>Great Question!!!!<P><I>formerly known as "new_beginning"</I>

Sheryl,<P>Thanks! I appreciate your perspective. I know I can't cover all the bases. The example you give is right on. Annoyances or little things can definitely become big sources of irritation in any relationship.<BR>I was already wondering this and then I got Steve Harley's email newsletter. His featured article got me thinking even more on the subject. You are supposed to address things right away and eliminate things when they are first voiced. Problem is that people don't change overnight, and habits are somewhat ingrained. If you are busy working on the EN's, you can't "fix" all your little problems.<P>I think a part of me is somewhat paranoid about this. I just want to be successful the next time around - I really, really do!<P>Sounds like you are doing well in your new marriage, and I am happy for that. Also, you, like me, are still trying to learn as much as you can. I think of this educational process as giving us the best chance possible to be successful.<P>Take care, Desiree

Desi,<P>Go to "my profile" and change your display name -- it will change all your posts to Roll Me Away... I'm sure you'd get more responses if people knew this was you... it's SUCH a great question!!!<P>Yep, we're learning all the time, aren't we???

Sheryl,<P>Thanks for the technical advice. I did it and it looks like it will work.<P>Take care, Desireew