Hello all,<BR> I've been reading the posts here ofr the last week or so and thought it was finally time to take the plunge. Let me first say that the stories I see here have inspired me with your strength and love. Well,as far as my tale of woe goes... I'm 39 and I've been married to a woman that I'm still passionately in love with for 20 years. I recently had an ugly wake-up call. My wife went off on a "lost weekend" sort of thing about 6 weeks ago and consumated an EA she'd been carrying on for a few months. As devastating as this discovery was, I also discovered to my horror that I've been asleep at the wheel to varying extents for over 10 years. I went to see someone and I've been diagnosed with cronic depression. 10 years of my life pretty much gone, my marriage nearly over due to years of neglect on my part. As painful as the A is, the guilt I feel from what I've put my wife through is much worse. I can see now all of the attempts she made to reach me over the years. We've talked of all the nights she fell asleep crying wondering if she just wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, cleaned our home well enough etc.. You get the picture I'm sure. That I hurt her so deeply for so many years eats me alive! I can fully understand her loneliness and the hurt that led to the A. It makes it very tough to be angry when I feel so very responsible for the beginnings.<BR> Where we are now... My life is changing completely!!! In many respects I feel better than I can ever recall feeling, in spite of my world falling apart. There's a sense of peace I've never had. I've been angry since childhood and the anger was such an integral part of who I was, I didn't even realize it was there until I noticed it's absence. I can only assume that the anti-depressants are doing their thing. I moved out while I started counseling and to give my W time to think. I moved back in after a month (4 days ago now) it is so good to be home!!! I'm not sure where we are right now. I know she loves me a great deal. I know she is incredibly frightened that the depression will resurface, so am I! I'm terrified I will slip back and I wish I could promise myself and her that it won't happen. Fortunately, her OM lives out of state. he calls her every day. So I'm essentially Plan-Aing my tail off and loving her as much as I can!!! There is so much that I've missed and I love her so very deeply, plan A isn't difficult for me right now. She can be affectionate at times but I fear it's a sense of obligation that drives it. My W is one of the most giving people I've ever met and it goes against her nature to withhold affection. It confuses the hell out of me! But I confuse her as well as I now do things simply to please her that I'd not have done prior to treatment. She says I went from a bump on a log to "Tigger on speed". She doesn't trust the changes and sees my actions as simply tring to make points. She's not ready to leave but she's not ready to commit to making our M work either. So many of the things she says I see here. Ironically, she gave me the link to this site and was quite encouraged (we went through the questionaires together and all that) until she read the infedelity portion of the site. She didn't like what she saw so now most of the concepts are questioned. i suppose much hit too close to home for comfort. I have gotten some encouraging signs of late. Her OM has went from "I love him and I may want to spend my life with him or at least explore the possibility" to "He's my best friend and I think we could stay friends.... not immediately but eventually" Of course it depends on what day it is too. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] The roller coaster is running at top speed to be sure! Well thats the whole sordid tale. I thank you all for showing me that I'm not unique or alone in this! I look forward to posting. Thanks!

As you said, you're not alone. This is a great board.

Sofartogo,<BR>I'm still laughing about your "Tigger on speed" description! Perfect!!!I remember it well! BUT, consistancy is the key..the longer you are able to meet her needs and not love bust, the more she will start trusting your actions...soon, she will start meeting you half way. Don't get discouraged..and hang in there!<BR>And, WELCOME.<BR>T

sofar2go,<BR> <BR>You may have "sofar2go" but it sounds like you're on the right course and doing good so far! Ok, so you have read all parts of this site. Good! Be SURE to read the "general welcome" found in the Just Found Out" forum. That will give you lots of important information you'll need to understand some responses to your posts. I can understand why your W is not real agreeable with the info on the infidelity site. This section stresses NO CONTACT with the OP if the marriage is to survive. And am I correct to assume she has no ended all contact at this point? You did mention he calls everyday. <P>sf2g, keep posting, continue Plan A'ing, stay strong and take care of yourself. This is a rough road, lots of ups and downs but so well worth the effort when it works. Stick around and watch the miracles happen!!

Thank you for the support! I think this site may be what keeps me going in the days to come. Had a pretty rough night last night. We went out on a date, dinner and a show. First time we've been to a drive-in without the kids since we were dating, it brought back some nice memories to be sure! I gently rubbed her neck through the entire movie and it felt so very nice just to be close to her. It wasn't erotic in that sense, I just felt connected. At the end of the movie she looked at me and all I saw was the same cold distance that I seem to always see these days. I guess the full import of our situation came crashing down on me and it was all I could do to keep a quiver out of my voice on the way home. How could I have felt so very close to her yet she feel almost nothing for me? this is very hard but I guess I have nothing to do but continue. Thanks again for the support!!!!

Hi sf2g,<P>Wow, kinda scary similarity. Mine is the reverse of yours. My H (we believe has and is suffering from depression - runs in his family) is the WS. I am the BS and tried so hard in the giving and forgiving area, it almost killed me. Now I get to deal with depression bouts with me as well as with H. Go figure!!!!! <P>I am a fighter of sorts and tho' I know I have fallen in the depression hole, I can climb out. H on the other hand is trying but refuses to make guarantees. This is where I would like to begin my comments to your situation. <P>Regardless of who has the depression vs who has or had the A, those feelings of I love them to I still want to be friends with the OP lingo, will happen anyway. That is the A stuff talking. You and I could talk that way if we allowed ourselves. Yet you are combating depression more than your W is. <P>Ah....did all the past issues cause her to be depressed also or have symptoms? Maybe, if yes, is there help? Could be a simple as brisk walking excercises so she can learn to feel good about herself. <P>I can tell you that my H gave me those same lines for 8 months and only recently has he started to refer to the OW as selfish and greedy. H even told that to her. <P>There is great guilt that the WS carries as they try to recover. The infidelity slate is not automatically wiped clean without a trace. There will always be a trace. Knowing that and moving on helps the recovery process. Trying to erase that and not being able to hide it completely, will hinder recovery. <P>How to deal with your W's moods? You have to give her space. Try taking the emotional needs questionnaire together. See if she is agreeable to a phone counseling session with Jennifer or Steve. Read his needs/her needs together or separate, whatever works for the both of you. <P>She needs to reconcile within herself. Give her that time. Use that time to work on yourself. <P>It may hurt your W to come here and read the stories, they are very painful. But they can also be healing. We can view it as a tool to help us heal. I know that my being here has actually saved my H's life. Literally. H does not come here and read, yet he benefited. If your W does come here, she may benefit more. <P>I think you are off to a good start. More comments will come from others. Hang in there. ..... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>L.

Orchid, Thanks for your support. I do think my W has been suffering from depression. In fact in many respects I have to actually thank the OM... The whole time my W was trying to drag me out of my hole, I was pulling her in deeper. The OM provided a wake-up call for her and she, in turn did that for me. There is a great deal of guilt on both sides. My W is a wonderful mother and the A has done a significant amount of damage to her relationship with our kids. In essence she's put the lie to all the virtues she's tried to instill in our kids. I've tried to do some damage control in explaining how very lonely she's been and take responsibility for creating the atmosphere that allowed the A to begin but it doesn't seem to help. It's created a role reversal of sorts which is sort of strange. I've been in the USAF 20 years and for better than 10 years was gone 6+ months a year. She has been THE parent in many respects for years. It has given me a chance to build a relationship with our kids but it's devastated my W. She's always felt that being a good mother and wife was her primary responsibility and in both respects she's always been fantastic! Now she feels that is all gone and she's wasted her life. The guilt usually manifests itself as anger which I tend to catch the brunt of. I try to be supportive, it hurts me terribly to see her in pain. I've only badly LB'd once.. She was venting about our daughter thinking all would be well if OM went away and that was more than I could handle. I think she set me up for failure intentionally. She's very afraid that the "sad angry little man" she's known for years will resurface and my outburst of anger reaffirmed that. She's been looking for reasons to end our M I believe so she doesn't have to deal with the fear. In some of the moments I actually see the woman I love she has said that if she gives me another chance and I crawl back in that hole, it will kill her. I think it could very well kill us both were that to happen. I can't blame her for her fear and scepticism. It's very confusing to be so very hurt over the A but feel guilty for my shortcomings and also feel her pain. It makes it hard to give her space. I want to hold her and make it all go away. I also lost 10 years of my life in many respects and feel an urgent need to make up for lost time. That space is definitley something I'll have o work on! We sat down several weeks ago and did the EN questionaire together. It must have taken us 4 hours to do it as we honestly discussed every need in the process. I'm working on me... That perspective is all that prevents me feeling like a door mat and keeps me going some days. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear sofar2go,<BR>What an amazing story about your recovery from depression. It's amazing how you and your marriage survived 10 years! Wow!<P>I think you have an amazing wife to have hung in there with you through this illness you have had. Glad that you are feeling much better.<P>All you can do is like the others have said about consistency and proving yourself over time. Ten years is a long time to have to prove yourself different. In other words, your marriage didn't get to this state overnight and it will not snap out of it overnight. <P>I'm soooo glad that you have snapped out of your depression tho. You could have died! Do you realize that? Amazing...<P>So anyways, good that you guys have gone through the questionnaires, you probably should go through the love busters again as they change as the days go by. No need to take hours out, you can spread out the questionnaires over several dates so as not to overwhelm your W.<P>You sound like you have a lot of love and patience and it will take time, esp. if you feel your W may still have feelings for the OM. Just think of it like a marathon and not a sprint, and pace yourself. I believe there is a lot of hope for your marriage to recover from this! Your attitude is commendable. Keep us posted! {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Something else came to my mind as I was rereading... Think of your marriage like this: You have needs, your wife has needs, and the marriage has needs. Marriage is like a little baby that constantly needs nurturing from both of you. Your marriage was starving for attention and because of your fragile state and absence, your marriage was malnourished.<P>When someone is starving or on a prolonged fast, they cannot just immediately start eating solid foods because they will get sick. It is like shoving a car in reverse while you are speeding down the freeway, you know? They would have to gradually ease back into a normal, healthy diet. Probably just starting with a sip of vegetable juice every few hours or so and gradually build up to solids.<P>I think that is why your wife is taken aback at your going for the gusto approach. Steady as she goes! It's going to take time to nourish this baby back to health... Good luck & a lot of prayers from me to you! You'll get there.<P>Another thing to consider is that just the way God has restored your (mental) health, He is in the business of restoring marriages. He is fully capable of raising up your dead marriage! Trust Him! He may do it suddenly, or He may require you to trust Him for every little step of the way, in any case, I do believe you'll get there! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks Binthere... Yep my W is truly amazing in so many ways. She's a very special lady and I'm deathly afraid that I woke up too late. I honestly believe that she kept me alive. The recovery is on-going, odds are I'll be on meds for life due to the length of the depression and family history. I have looked at myself quite critically of late and find that I don't have her strength. I'm not sure that I could have done what she has. I honestly don't understand what keeps her here most days. One of the valuable things I've gotten here has been the article on finding out if your spouse is in love with you. I find the question "Should your spouse be in love with you?" to be very profound and terrifying in it's simplicity. Well it's the answer that is so frightening! I have to answer with a resounding no today. I decided that what I need to do is ask myself the question every night as I write in my journal (part of my therapy) and be brutally honest in my response. I figure that my only chance now is to be able to say that I have done enough to warrant her love today. One day won't matter but I fervently hope that day in, day out, the difference will mount! I'm not sure why she stays after all the pain I've caused her over the years. I'm not even certain that I can deal fully with the guilt I feel over everything. She says that It wasn't me yet I can't release the guilt. In reality if I don't take responsibility, then this becomes a crutch and I'll not allow that to happen. The love for her I surely have, patience is another issue. I've come to believe that one of the (many) lessons I need to learn from this experience is patience. Your analogy to a baby is thought provoking and makes a great deal of sense. I'll have to apply that thinking in the future! I'll start a new thread with an update. It's been an ugly few days... Thanks again for your support!!! The best of everything to you.