Hi all. This is a copy of my post in recovery. Sure could use some feedback.<P>Hi all,<BR>Things are going really well, our relationship is flourishing after 6 months of recovery, better than I ever dreamed it would be even in the best of times pre A..we are very fortunate and thankful for the 2nd chance. Never knew I could be so happy.<BR>but..here's the concern...<P>I found a lovenote dated 8/99...written by him (had seen some stuff from her, but never him)...and my heart dropped just like it did when he confessed the A back in 12/00. He was never specific about the length of the A, but I knew it was at least a year. And of course he's on the mainland right now for the next 2 days.<P>My problem? I don't know whether to bring it up when he comes home or not. I know it's over, he's been wonderful and I can't see what good it would be to bring it up...but I find myself wanting to tell him how awful it made me feel and I have this need to hear him say again how stupid the whole thing was, and how much he loves me. I keep remembering when he told me about the A and how he was so "in love" with her. I almost want to tell him "well, I've narrowed it down..had to have started sometime before 8/99"...but what good could this do either of us?<P>I keep wondering how on earth I could have been so blind to it for so long. Am I going nuts? I'm actually doing pretty well reciting the mantra "it's in the past, look at the present" but little thoughts keep floating through my mind. <P>So, BS..what do you do with days like this? Did you bring it up to WS each and every time, or handle it yourself?<P>WS..how do you feel when your recovery is going well and all of a sudden your partner needs some security again? wants to rehash old events and has unanswerable questions like..why? I felt we were so past this, and when I put myself in his shoes...it can't be that great to have yourself questioned all over again...so...<P>not sure if this turned into a vent or what...but needed to get this out of my system.<P>Any thoughts?<BR>T

Hi Twyla. First off, sit on it for a few days. Wait at least a day after he gets back, you don't want to hit him with this right away and it will give you a chance to get your feelings together.<P>Did you snoop, or was it in a place that he will not get angry that you found it?<P>I think you should bring it up, just nicely. Say that you were looking for something and found an old love note of his to OW. It really made some old feelings come back and you may need some extra attention the next few days to help you get through it.<P>You don't realy have to tell him how hurt you WERE or make him feel bad about it, just deal with the present and what he can do to help you through this trigger.<P>Then, maybe you can both burn the letter together??<P>I get triggers like this kind of often (still early) and my H has triggers as well... We try to focus more on making the person feel better, rather than remembering and bringing up old stuff that doesn't really matter anymore because it is in the past and we've already been over it a billion times...<P>HbH

Hello Twyla!<P>Since you have given me such great advice in the past, I hope that I can return the favor.<P>I found and kept many pieces of correspondence. Some of them(well, most), I found to be very disturbing. You know, someonelse saying such intimate things to my H or him saying things to her that he said to me before. I know how this can stir up all kinds of feelings. Also with him being out of town, it kind of adds to that feeling.<P>Six months is early in your recovery. I think that you are handling things very well. What you feel is normal. My feelings didn't start to even out unitl around the 8 month mark. Expect to go back and forth for a while. It's just part of it and it's ok. He should understand. My H was willing to have discussions. Sometimes, they were counterproductive and other times they were very beneficial. It doesn't always feel good to have one of those discussion. I think of it as growing pains. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <P>I told my H that I found some notes. I didn't have to tell him what was in them since he had already read or wrote them. I let him know how it made me feel. He was very good about not getting angry. I think he really knew that I needed to hash those feelings out. <P>I asked, from d-day, how long the A was. He said that it wasn't important. I tried to go with that thought process. I felt that there might be some details better left alone. I do have a tendency to hold onto things. Well, I lasted several months before I decided that I had to know. I had an idea because of certain behaviors etc.. So, I just told him that I wanted to know and that I thought it had gone on for over a year. It eneded up being over a year confirming a lot of situations that I thought were puzzling. I'm rambling, sorry. What I'm trying to say is that I think that we KNOW, deep down. Are you ready for the answer? Is it important for you to know that in order to heal? Some details are better left alone.<BR>Think about it while he is gone. Don't have the discussion over the phone. If you feel that you are ready to ask, find a way to do it without saying "look what I found". You can tell him that this issue is a stumbling block for you and that you are trying heal. You can also tell him how long you think it went on and ask him to confirm or tell you the truth. Yea, its uncomfortable for the WS. But, hell, the whole thing is uncomfortable for the BS too. <BR>If you decide you don't want to talk about it right now, go do something to keep your mind off of the whole thing. You can try doing something romantic for the two of you, when you start to feel down. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Hope I didn't lose you in my ramble.<BR>cleo

Hi Twyla, <P>Gosh I haven't been over on Recovery in a while, I stop in every once in a while. After learning of KSs other 3 As I didn't think I was at all in recovery so I came over here. So seeing your name I got a big smile... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>I did have something to say as well. I think you might mention it to him, let him know how it made you feel. At the same time get rid of the note, burn it, rip it up, flush it down the toilet...Whatever but don't punish yourself by keeping it and reminding yourself with it. <P>I had recorded KSs phone conversation with her friend to learn of the one A and it was a big mistake to keep that tape. I listened to it again when I learned of the other 3 As and I relived d-day. After I listened to it I was devistated again, and all I could think was, that was a big mistake listening to that. After that, KS and I went into the back yard and burned the tapes, never to be heard again.

Hi Tywla, <P>Howzit? My take would be to reverse the question back to you. Can you not bring it up? <P>I mean, if you don't mention it will that show up in your actions on other things? For me, that is one of the reasons why I bring things up and out in the open. I am not very good at keeping stuff like that unknown and unaswered. Being truthful is important to me in maintaining a relationship. <P>My H knows I am like this in other situations as well. So I guess, my question is posed as to how you are going to react if you don't. <P>L.

Hello Twila,<P> Burn the letter and forget about it. Bringing it up won't change the fact that it was written in the first place, but it could do GREAT damage to your recovery. Ask youself what you have to gain by mentioning it. Then ask yourself what you COULD lose. If one outweighs the other go with that one.<P> Good luck<P> jd

Thanks everyone for the responses. In the interim I wrote a letter that I probably won't share with him just sort of venting a lot of feelings. Helped to get stuff out of my head...just wish I could get it out of my heart. This is our first seperation since we started recovery...maybe that has something to do with it....I don't know..I just feel so needy all of a sudden. Not something that I'm comfortable with...well, he'll be home Monday night...so we'll see.<BR>T

Twyla--<P>I agree with jdmac---burn it! Many times, my H and I were on the right track and I found out something or found something, and I confronted him about my knowledge. All it did for him was renew the A, and the bad feeling he had about it (maybe even the good feelings). The real issue is----he is where he wants to be, and you are the one he wants to be with. IMHO, don't bring up the past if you can help it!<P>My opinions only, <BR>Krysta;