So I drove past my H office today, it is really on the way to the grocery store for me. The two of them were outside having a smoke. I stopped of course. I had asked my H if he could not quit his job right now and had to work related contact with her to make sure that it was only that. No friendly hello's or goodbys, no socail meetings. He agreed. So today he tells me that they were just having a smoke and that he had to remain freindly for apperances sake. It is a small office and he does not want anyone to know or he will get fired. I told him that it was unaccaptable to me that he is remaining a friend to her. That he either had to make it very clear to her that they could not be friends or he had to leave me. That I can't live with him being friends with the person he slept with and betrayed me with. He asked for time to think, I asked him how long he needed and he said we would talk tonight, after our son is in bed. <P>Now, as scared as I am that he is going to come home and tell me he can't just stop the friendship I am afraid I will back down and not make him leave. Any insight here will help. <BR>Am I right, I can't just let them be friends, no matter how often he tells me nothing will ever happen again, how can I possibly believe him AND, I do not trust her not to try and start things up again.<P>Having a really bad day,<BR>Needing

Needing--<P>I think it is a respect issue. Does he respect you enough to "give up' his friendship? I know what you mean about backing down, but you need to decide what you really can and can't take. Can you share him? I think not! Is he really committed to this M? Are your feelings important to him?<P>I would want my H to quit his job, too! That is not unreasonable on your part! We all know that recovery is very difficult if there is contact with the OP. If it can be done at all!??<P>I hope you hold true to your boundaries, and will be saying a prayer for you!<P>Sorry you're having a bad day!<P>Hugs, Krystal

I haven't posted in a few days but I had to reply to this one. needing, Faith n Him hit this one right on the target. It's about respect and committment. If he really respects you and he's really committed to making the marriage work it there are no alternatives. You need to establish boundaries. More than anything, I have learned the concept of boundaries here at MB. I have just moved from 4 months of Plan A into Plan B. I have insisted that until no contact is established I will not see my WS. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done but I need to be able to look myself in the mirror each day. I too, asked myself if I was willing to share her with him. My answer, "No, I will not". Should I have to accept their ongoing "friendship" while we try to recover? My answer, "No it is not acceptable". I realize that I have taken a huge gamble, that I may have pushed her towards him but in my heart I now believe that there is nothing more I can do or say. I have completed my Plan A with no LB's and no regrets. Now, she has to make up her own mind. She has to come back on her own. If that means that she has to let the A run it's course then so be it. Having her return under any other circumstances will doom our chances to fully recover. Believe me, I know that this is a terribly difficult time right now. For myself, there were no other options. Each time I learned of contact I was devastated. Each time it chipped a little away from my ability to lover her. I need to preserve what love and committment I have left. I had to switch to Plan B and demand no contact. I hope that my experience helps in some way. Remember, you need to be able to look yourself in the mirror each morning. Keep the faith.

I agree with the respect issue. And I will add it is a measure of respect for you too! You need to set the limits and boundaries and stick to them!! If you set up limits and don't follow your own plan, he will see no need to respect you, because, you don't respect yourself enough to follow your own rules. If you are going to set the limits, just like parenting, follow through, no matter how angry he gets or how much you hurt! YOU have to be the strong one, because he certainly isn't!!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Thanks Guys, it was exactly what I needed. I told him that the ball was now firmly in his court, that I could not work on our M while they remained friends. I told him that I understood that I was likely pushing him back to her, but, if he could not tell her that they could not be friends then he had to leave. He said that he did not think it was an unreasonable request but that he thought he needed to leave for a while. So I have given him until next Monday to find a place. Right now he thinks he will just get a Budget Suite for a couple of weeks. I told him that he could not come home until he could say that he will not be her friend.<P>I also did a very stupid thing, I told him about one of our mutual friends that I had slept with before I knew him. He became very upset saying that the friend and I had been lying to him for 10 years. I did'nt even know my H when I slept w/this person. I have never cheated on my H and have no desire to. I know I said it to try and hurt him the way I have been hurt, but in his current state of mind (fog) he is taking it far to seriously. We had never disclosed to each other all of our past relationships, and he had alway made it clear to me that he did not want to think about me being with anyone else, even if it was before him. We had both valued our friendship with this person and now I am afraid we will have to give up his friendship as well. Very Stupid of ME.<P>My plan for the rest of this week is to just be calm. I will discuss with him what times he wants to see our son and try to be caring and logical. Yes, I am hoping he changes his mind before Monday, but I am not counting on it.<P>I have my first appt w/ a counselor tonight. Thank God. He is one who uses MB concepts, so hopefully I will gain some perspective and insight.<P>Thank you all again for your support and strength.<P>Needing