Is that weird or what?<P>My husband and I have been doing beautifully. I never thought it could ever be like this. Sure, we have arguements from time to time, sometimes bad ones, but they always resolve something and they usually end with "I'm sorry." I don't know what happened, why he has changed, but I am not going to question it.<P>I know that I am over-simplifying the whole story and process of this recovery, but I really don't know how to describe things--I guess it was true desire to heal on the parts of both of us.<P>It was like night and day when he stopped looking at porn on the PC. He went to counseling on his own and the temper tantrums have all but disappeared. I am really enjoying being married to him now. He is home every night, attentive, loving and helpful. Again, I don't know what happened, it's too good to be true, but it does seem to be true.<P>When there are fights, it's because of me, because I am feeling particularly cranky and I am hit with a trigger. For instance, my husband is planning to go to a new duty station soon. He has been excitedly discussing his possibilities with me. One place he has talked about going because of the great opportunities (and I would like to go to as well) is a half hour's drive from OW's home town. Of course, I started picking on him about it--just to be nasty, I guess. I was in one of those moods.<P>Otherwise, I feel very much in love with my husband--yeah, he has his faults, and I have learned to be tolerant--and I feel that I am nearing the end of the long road I am taking to forgiving him (it's been an on-going process, not and over-night thing.)<P>OW and I have had one or two skirmishes as well on the e-mail. Last word was a few months ago, she told me that I was mentally ill and all I do is cause people misery. I asked her if I was to check into Motel 6 Hagerstown, which room should I get? 69? 'Cause that was her favorite. Grrrrrrrrr.<P>Anyways, after that, I did not check my e-mail but every other week or so (I don't get on the PC anymore, I don't even lurk on this site, I was so addicted and all it did was trigger memories at this point and make me crankier. The only reason I am on here today is that there is another typhoon headed this way and I wanted to check the bearings--and somehow I am here at MB. Hmmmm.) <P>Yesterday, what did I find but an e-mail from HER. The subject line said (aucun) (my account is in French,) so she didn't tell me what she wanted. I freaked all day, the last thing I wanted to do is open it.<P>Husband came home from work, and I told him that his nasty old woman had sent me a letter and did he know what it was about? Was he in contact with her again after all this time? He told me 'no.' He was extremely upset--he told me to delete it without even opening it. (I was sure that was an unquestionable sign of his guilt.) Of course, I kept picking on him about it. He curled up on the couch in a fetal position and fell asleep. He does that sometimes when he is really upset.<P>Later I got up the nerve to look at it while he was sleeping.<P>As you know, my husband is in the Marine Corps, and with the rumor of war in the air, there is no telling what's happening to people in the armed forces these days. Without disclosing my husband's job or identity, he is very much involved in the investigation process of the terrorists that attacked our nation.<P>When I opened the e-mail, I saw that OW had sent me a very brief note, asking me how my husband is doing, and if he's OK.<P>Now how would you respond to this?<P>A) What's it to ya?<BR>B) So why are you asking me?<BR>C) Yeah, he's OK, but you aren't.<BR>D) Why are you concerned about my husband's well being? He's not your problem. <P>It was strange, but I felt an incredible surge of charity and forgiveness towards her. I felt touched that she would be so concerned about him that she would be bold enought to ask ME how he was. (Yes, I know that's probably weird.) I simply told her that he was doing fine and that his career keeps him busy and he is very sucessful and happy with what he does. I told her that he is not expecting to be deployed to the middle east anytime soon, if that is what she was asking. I tried to wake him up off the couch and get him to tell her 'hi.' He refused.<P>Later, I got him up to go to bed--not a harsh word crossed my lips. I was ashamed of myself for being so nasty to him. We curled up in each other's arms for the night. It was very peaceful.<P>I don't know--I think that forgiving OW (something that I didn't think would EVER be possible) was something that I ultimately had to do for myself. I had a burning hatred of her for so long, you would not believe the black ugly thoughts that I had towards her--bordering on violence. Something that I had never felt before in my life. I realize now that she is just a person like me that, like myself in other stages of my life, had a warped thought process. I will leave it at that--I doubt I could ever be friends with her, but I certainly don't hate her anymore, like I used to.<P>Just an up-date.<P>BTW--getting up and getting off the computer did absolute wonders for me and my marriage. I recommend it.

It was great to hear from you...I haven't seen your posts in awhile. <P>It is always great to hear about couples in recovery. I wish I could say the same.<P>Unfortunatly, we are still headed for a divorce. As a matter of fact...just read a post from SNL about sociopaths that describes my husband to a T. How sad.<P>He attempted to "be here for the kids this weekend". Seemed to make everyone uncomfortable though. He is still justifying his behavior--even tho it is hurting me and the kids.<P>I thought maybe the terrorist attack or the B2 involvement in the terrorist fight would bring him to his senses---but no. Instead, he got an apartment here in our small town with his bimbo. It is so sad.<P>Anyway, hope things continue to go well for you. Good luck on your move.<P>My H was in Guam 2 years ago. He always said he would bring me back there to do some scuba diving. He said it was awesome.<P>Take Care

Hi Girl:<P>I never would have believed that your marriage could ever reach this wonderful place after all you went through with your WS, but I am so glad that it has.<P>I understand about needing to be away from this board after a while...there are so many triggers and reminders here....of the pain that we would like and need to leave behind to make a good recovery...so when we miss your presence it will be for a good reason...a "good" miss...and will know that you are back in the real world...learning to live again...hopefully with the MB principles to guide you so that never again will you have to be here.<P>Good Luck...hope everything continues to work out for you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Faye

How about E)--NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Misery,<P>It's hard to believe that I am half of a "couple in recovery." Recovery is such a process, sometimes with 1 step forward, 10 steps back, that you never know if you are really in recovery or not. It's just a feeling--knowing that you are in a place in your life where you can understand what has happened and you accept it. And then you feel peace because you have overcome it and it has not conquered you. <P>My husband and I have been to hell and back. I used to think he was a sociopath. I gave up on him a jillion times, to the point where I couldn't stand to look at him. The things that he had done to me so enraged me, all I wanted to do was get away from him. There were a hundred times where not only did I think that recovery was impossible, I did not want to reunite this marriage. I wanted to leave and have a happy life on my own, or maybe with someone else. I used to think he was crazy. Maybe he was. Maybe we both were. <P>I used to be a crybaby--utterly weak and helpless, full of guilt over my life prior to being married to my husband. It was that bad.<P>And he was just plain mean. He had a fierce temper and was constantly arguementative, cynical, and distrustful. <P>He yelled and I cried. Then he yelled because I cried. And I cried because he yelled. The police came to our house a couple of times--and a few times, they needed to. These are ugly memories.<P>No matter how much we loved each other, we could not overcome our pasts in order to become a compatible married couple.<P>One thing this past 3 years has done, it's made me tougher. It's made him more compassionate.<P>Misery, take heart. We were on the brink of divorce as well. The papers were drawn up and we were separated for nine months. Nine awful months as I went back to my home town and worked graveyards at a factory in order to feed three kids and my husband lived at the club every weekend and chased girls.<P>He was addicted to porn on the internet, interactive porn or whatever. Websites where you meet other people and get off on each other electronically--you know. This stuff continued long after he asked me to return to him and I agreed--for the sake of the kid only. I had long since withdrawn and felt little love towards him. <P>But I knew that my kid needed a father, his own father, and I wanted my kid to have a rich and happy life. So I returned--and was miserable. For a long time. And I felt robbed of years of my life and efforts to have have a happy marriage.<P>I can't describe what happened that made a change. I guess we both hit rock bottom and realized we had to make it work or else get away from each other (like my mother-in-law said.)<P>It's rare that people change. Sometimes it does happen, though, and I guess that I am one of the lucky few.<P>One thing you should remember: Love really DOES conquer all. Love IS patient and kind, and finds no fault. If you love, then you can endure. <P>Well, I guess I need to go break up a fight--my six-year-old thinks he's a man, and my 38-year-old thinks he's a kid, and when it comes to Playstation, it's utter war. And it's getting on my nerves.<P>Hang tough, Misery