O.K. 2 weeks ago, the shi* hit the fan. I found out that my H was talking to OW again. I confronted him; he told me this deep, dark secret; that they had made a sex tape, and he kept going back to OW out of fear that if he really broke things off with her, she'd send me the tape. Once he got that out in the open, he ended things with OW, on the hope that I would give him "one more chance."<P>When this all happened, my H told me that if I found that I still wanted him and the marriage, he would do ANYTHING to make all of the last 8 months up to me. I think his words were "I'll spend the rest of my life living for you." While I knew that this was a bit of an exaggeration, I did feel that he'd finally made the decision to work on our marriage.<P>After 2 weeks, he's starting to withdraw. He was over last night and he told me that he's afraid it's going to be too hard to fix things. He said he doesn't want to go to counseling; doesn't want to read any books; doesn't want to fill out any "stupid" questionnaires. He said "could you get over this even if I can't change the things about me that you need me to change?"<P>So, essentially, he's asking me to forget all about the issues I had that made me angry over the last 2 years, which ultimately led to him leaving home and having the A. I've made my changes, now he'd be happy if he could come home and have things the way they were "before I got angry." <P>I actually said to him "when do you think you'll have the courage to just TELL me you want a divorce?" He claims that's not what he wants, he just doesn't believe we can get through this.<P>I told him that I loved him. I told him that since the beginning I have wanted to work on repairing our marriage. I told him that I STILL want to work on repairing our marriage, but that I certainly couldn't MAKE him want those things.<P>What do you all make of this??

Someone...Anyone...Any help would be appreciated...<P>MOM

I am sorry your here. <P>Your post said He said "could you get over this even if I can't change the things about me that you need me to change?"<P>It sounds to me that your answer is No, you could not get over this if he can't change the things about him that he needs to change. I hear it in your words on the post the answer is no. It sounds like you are afraid of losing him. I don't blame you for that. But you can't take him back at any cost... at the cost of your sanity, at the cost of your feelings, at the cost of your morals, at the cost of all you have learned from this experience. You don't want to have gone through all this pain for nothing. The pain of the A will be worth it if you have in front of you a better marriage to look forward. Not the same marriage that lead to the A. <P>Be strong. Say no. but be willing to accept the consequences that comes with it. You can work the Marriage Builders Principles without him. It is harder. But you have to be Radically Honest with him and with yourself. The answer is no. He will not respect you if you don't respect yourself. Respect yourself enough to say no. He does not get off scott free. He has to work to restore the damage he caused or the answer is no. It may take time but I think when he realizes this he will accept the responsibility and be more willing to work at the marriage. But if not you have to be strong enough to follow through. <P>If you love something set it free. If it comes back it is yours if it doesn't it never was. <P>You are not being unreasonable and hard. This is part of the consequence of the decision he made to have the affair. You have choices. Don't let anyone take your choices away.<P>Hang in there and keep posting.

(((((MoM)))))<P>About change, I had one small epiphany one day while working through this. That there is a difference between wanting a person to change HIMSELF and to change HIS HABITS. My H had some pretty bad habits. I wanted those eliminated. I did NOT want him to change himSELF. In essence he was still the same wonderful man I had fallen in love with all of those years ago. But with time, had picked up some bad habits. <P>Maybe what you are trying to get across is that you want him to stay exactly WHO he is, but change WHAT he's in the habit of doing... <P>Just another way of looking at it. <P>Prayers, <P>Snow<p>[ October 16, 2001: Message edited by: Snowwhite ]

Thanks Notheard and Snow. You're right. Maybe my H thinks it's overwhelming to think of being someone new. The gist of what I've told him I need is for him to be more admiring, respectful. He has never put me first in his life. It's always been him, the kids, his friends, his truck, his boat...If he has time or feeling left for me, then it's me.

Snow has a point.<BR>Your H may be absolutely scared about how he has to change and that he just can't do it, or doesn't know how - but he needs to know that you don't want HIM to change. You fell in love with HIM -but that habits and actions need some changing.

Hi MOM<P>I agree with Snow White about changing SELF or changing HABITS.<P>I think your husband did pick up some bad habits along the way, and these are what need to be changed. If he feels he has to change himSELF, he's gonna run. Men generally don't like change. They always feel that women have to change to fit <I>their</I> schedule or plan or whatever.<P>In his cas, I'd say you need to clarify what exactly you want changed, in this case maybe his bad habits which are LB and causing you grief. It's not something you will easily forget, but it can be forgiven.<P>He has to be repentant.<P>Good luck and we're praying for you.