My w stopped in today to tell me she was sorry for ruining my birthday yesterday by telling me she was again seeing om and that she had no feelings for me.<P>She then proceeded to tell me how much better of a person I am compared to om and how weak he is. SHe also told him he could not move back in with her or have sex with her until he was divorced.<P>After saying how lousy he is, she still wants him back. She says I'm even better looking than him and our 12yo daughter said he looks like an old man too!<P>But she says he makes her laugh and she still loves him!!!!! <P><BR>How can she on one hand run him down, and then on the next still want him. She thinks he won't divorce his wife.<P> I've given up on her. How can I ever trust her again. Two times we have been in counseling together and in both cases she was sleeping with the guy while she pretended to be working on our marriage.<BR>She also has quit blaming me for not giving her "goo" hugs and kisses, she says they just don't mean anything to her.<P>So Fri are going to my lawyers to finsish off the divorce papers she started back in Aug.<P>She says she will be there for the kids, but had an oppurtunity tonite and didn't take it. I just want this to be over as I don't feel anything but bitterness towards her. She has drained my love banks. <P>I feel I have done everything possible to save our marriage but her heart just isn't in it. <P>I am not a failure even though my marriage failed!!!

sorry to hear about your wife's withdrawal fallout. I was a little concerned when she did not move back into the house with even in a separated state like separate bedrooms or something. I believe it is just about impossible for any betrayer to go through withdrawal on their own without some help and monitoring. If my wife ever gets to that point of wanting to separate, I know I will ask for major steps of separation. <P>It sounds like you want to proceed with divorce, and it also may be time for major plan B (I know, once again ....) You have to protect yourself and make her get all her needs from OM. Sounds like she already sees flaws in OM, but still has those feelings because she hasn't gone all the way thru withdrawal. I hope you take care of yourself, don't lovebust, and be prepared for anything even after divorce. She may still want to come back, and you will have to decide how to handle that.

RWD,<P>I agree with izzy. I am so sorry for your pain. Your W is still waffling in a really big way. She likes some parts of what both you and the OM give her. It is hard to give up that giddy, in-love feeling. It adds an element of excitement that most of us longer marrieds just can't give our S.<P>Plan B sounds good to me. If she has already started to notice his faults, maybe they will become more real when you are in the picture less. This is where I am with my H.<BR>If nothing else, by avoding her, you can at least avoid the emotional pain she is inflicting on you right now.<P>Hugs for your heart {{{{{RWD}}}}}...<P>Roll Me Away <BR>

RWD,<P>I feel for you. You know, sometimes I think the nuts are starting to take over. I also think that my H is so out of control that he is trying to take me with him. Like misery loves company.<P>I know what you mean about your love bank being on empty. The longer the situation drags on the more reservations I have about wanting to get back together.<P>Life is too short for this. This perpetual state of hell is shear torment. Sometimes, I just want to take my life back.<P>Hang in there. Just remember, we are not alone.

Absolutely...<P>It's time to join in with Paul Moyers...<BR>Plan B all the way!<P>You said it <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She has drained my love banks.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We can and will give you support on this... If you've seen Paul's recent posts... the temptation to slip and stray from Plan B is all too easy. Come to ask... ask us... we won't steer you wrong.<P>Like all have said... the flaws she sees in OM will only be amplified in Plan B.<P>I'm praying for you...<BR>Keep the faith... Plan B may bring hr back... if not it will give you the time you need to more appropriately recognize you new life!<P>We'll stay by your side on this...<BR>Stay by our's...<P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<BR>

Thanks for all your support!!! I've appreciated it all the way thru this mess.<P>But the time has come to put an end to all of this and to try and get along in my life.<P>How can I ever trust her after she betrayed me twice, not just once, while we were going through joint counseling to "save" our marriage. I could never feel secure in knowing where she was or what she was doing when she wasn't around.<P><BR>I am facing the fact that she doesn't love me and hasn't for a long, long time and I probabaly haven't loved her with all my heart either. We became distant from one another and separated emotionally a long time ago. She had to have alcohol to just be able to talk to me and have sex. Why would I want to go back to that ?<P>And I know I have blame in this. I don't repond to anger and I do hide my emotions. That is my personality, and while I can stretch it some, I can't really change it.<P>My w yearns for something I can't provide, no matter how hard I might try. If I can't fill her needs, how is she going to fill mine?<P>I encourage all of you to continue trying to save your marriages. While mine wasn't the best, I did everything possible to save it. It just isn't enough. <P>I'm trying to look on the bright side now. I am at the bottom of the barrel now( unless the bottom falls out next year and I lose my job, which is a possibility and I fall even lower) and now I can start working my way up again.<P>I have two great kids that are a joy to be around. I don't know if their mother will remain in the picture or not, she says she will, but since I have trouble believing anything she says now, I' not so sure.<P>But there is nothing that I can do about that.<P>Again I encourage everybody to keep following Harley's principals. I believe they do work, they just didn't for me and my situation because my w didn't want them too.

Hi RWD -<P>Boy - she's all over the map with her comments now - isn't she!!!!<P>I am sorry that you are experiencing another blow with the waffling.....<P>You know that I don't do well when people call it quits so I don't want to address that part.....<P>Just two thoughts for you :<P>The confusion she is having is right out there in this thread....she contradicts herself left and right!!!!<P>The bond between you two is evident also!!<P>Now I have one thing that I beg to differ with you about:<P>This is not betraying you twice....It is all the process she will go through. Some people waffle back and forth anywhere as far as ten times........<P>Until the confusion is under control and some light breaks through to the bulb in her head enough to wake her up to what she's really doing....it's gonna continue...<P>You have to do what you need for you and the kids!!<P>HUGS, STRENGTH and PRAYERS<P>Sheba

RWD, <BR>This is what plan b is for. Retain a little hope. But tellher that you don't want to see her or talk to her ao anything until she is really ready to leave the OW and never look back. Because if she does you won't ever be there again. Tellher this, then go on with your life just like you said. BUt don't completely lock that door. This is not the time to be making that decision you are hurting too much, but do distances your self from her. It is one of the hardest things to do, I know. I still try to have a onesided contact with H just because I want him toknow that I have not locked the door. I said something I regret, and I feel that I have to let him know that I was hurt and don't really feel that way. (this was before I had read SAA) So now I need to make some love deposits even though he doesn't realize what I am doing. You have been making those deposits. SO now is the time for a true plan B. From everything I have read and with what is going on in my life there hasn't been enough time for your W to face reality yet. You need to give this more time. Please think about it. BUt do know this I still want you to dowhat you feel is the best and you will have all of our support. Lots of {{{{{HUGS}}}}} and prayers.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

RWD,<P>Sheba and SDS are giving you something else to think about. We have all suggested PlanB. You have tried so hard and feel so depleted and used by your W.<P>If you try PlanB, but also leave a crack in the door, that still gives you options. Right now you are really low, extremely hurt and very angry. Not the best time in the world to make irrevocable decisions. <P>If you PlanB abd leave the door slightly ajar, you can do one of two things later: open the door again or slam it shut. Please think about this - doing what you must do right now to protect your feelings from further insult and injury, but ALSO not closing off all your options for later.<P>Wishing you the best...<P>Roll Me Away

RWD - Tell me about it. Your situation is so similar to mine that I really do feel your pain. I know what you're going through. And I feel very grateful to you for keeping us posted on your situation because it shows me what I might expect. The slightly bright side of your situation though is that at least your W seems to be trying to be honest with you in a way that she wasn't before. (I wish mine would be, even if it mean that she said the kind of things your W did.)<P>When you say<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Two times we have been in counseling together and in both cases she was sleeping with the guy while she pretended to be working on our marriage. She also has quit blaming me for not giving her "goo" hugs and kisses, she says they just don't mean anything to her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I could really relate to that. My W did this in our counseling sessions too (we've finally stopped going), which I find simply unbelievable. She still blames ME for our practically non-existent sex life though. (I wish she'd just come out and say that she's not interested instead of making excuses or blaming me.) BTW, sounds like "goo" is a typo for "good"? Although I guarentee, I've given my W plenty of goo hugs and kisses too! (LOL!)<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

RWD, Stop looking for reason and logic from her at this point. Its not there. She has been living a lie for so long that it has been abandoned. She will say and do many more things that will be inconsistant with reality, so it would be best if you would step back and let them pass by you. Instesd of trying to understand each one. <BR>The real kicker is going to be the rare moments of lucidity. And then she will slip back to lunacy. Don't ride it. Stay away and off the subject until she figures it out.<BR>Patience friend....

Thanks all!<P>I guess my point is that in all her confusion, there really has been nothing about me at all. I really believe she feels nothing about me. Its been all about her and her happiness and maybe the om.<P>I guess she's finally talked me into believeing we have nothing left.

Hi RWD -<P>They're all in the selfish little wold right now......You have to go by the whole picture.<P>I know how sad you are....<P>She has shown some lucid moments...and you grabbed them like a life preserver.<P>It takes longer for the confusion to be dealt with.....<P>If you go back and forth with her swings....you will only accomplish three things :<P>1) Making your own emotions crazy<P>2) Not be able to provide the safe and stable environment that she needs to help her through this.<P>3) Bring her waffling into your and the childrens day-to-day life...which you all don't need. It's hard enough.<P>Know what you want...what is good for the family......act accordingly and include her when she is receptive to it.<P>When she gives hope, accept it but don't put all your eggs in her basket so to speak...... Wait to see her consistancy and emotional capabilities. <P>When she start showing signs of less confusion, communicates and then actually stays consistant with her thoughts....that's when you two should really be able to move forward....<P>keep up the counseling, RWD....YOU CAN get through this!!!<P>We are always here and most of us are going through it just like you!!!<P>HUGS, STRENGTH and PRAYERS,<P>Sheba